Blog for Michael Ceely, LMFT

Leadership Styles Mirror Parenting Styles: How to Spot the Authoritarian

Sat, 28 Feb 2026 21:27:28 GMT

The parenting we received early in life shows up in how we manage people.

I was recently at the San Francisco airport, and I picked up a leadership book to pass the time during my flight. While reading the book, it confirmed something I had been noticing for years: leadership styles map almost exactly to parenting styles.

Think about it. Can you recall a boss you had who was a tyrant, or a pushover, or disengaged? It's highly likely that your boss first learned about leadership from his parents.

There are four parenting styles that leaders tend to emulate, but in this article, I’ll focus on the authoritarian leader. Because whether you are one (hopefully not!) or you report to one, understanding this style will increase your leadership awareness.

Watch the Video: The Authoritarian Leader

Why Parenting Styles Are a Useful Lens for Leaders

As a psychotherapist and executive coach , I regularly ask leaders to examine how they were raised. The behavioral patterns internalized early in life show up directly in how we manage people, motivate teams, and respond under pressure.

Mapping those parenting patterns onto leadership can give you a concrete, actionable framework for understanding how you lead and why your team responds the way it does.

Having this kind of self-awareness is advantageous, not just in your career, but in how you act in leadership situations in your personal life.

As I mentioned, there are four parenting styles that mirror leadership styles. Let’s take a look at them.

The Four Parenting Styles: A Quick Overview

Authoritarian : Rigid, directive, high control, "my way or the highway."
Authoritative : Clear expectations paired with genuine investment in people. This style is the most effective and sustainable approach.
Uninvolved : Checked out, distant, minimally engaged.
Permissive : Overly agreeable, conflict-avoidant, wants to be liked rather than respected.

What Defines the Authoritarian Leader

The authoritarian leader typically rose up through the ranks by having relentless drive and a fierce will to win. Unfortunately, those same qualities are often the ones that push team members out the door.

Key characteristics of the authoritarian leader include:

High, sometimes excessive, confidence in his own decisions.
Low openness to feedback or dissenting viewpoints.
Rigid thinking. The tactics that worked before are assumed to work again, regardless of new conditions.
An aggressive interpersonal communication style . Criticism is common, genuine recognition is rare.
A focus on correcting employee mistakes rather than developing their strengths.

Sound familiar? You might recognize some of these traits in your own leadership, or in the person sitting above you on the org chart.

The Continuum: Functional vs. Dysfunctional Authoritarianism

Authoritarianism exists on a spectrum, meaning it’s not always a bad leadership style.

On the functional end of the spectrum, an authoritarian leader can drive short-term results, keep teams aligned, and maintain order in high-pressure situations. In a crisis, that kind of clarity of command can actually be an asset.

But when this style tips toward dysfunction, the costs compound quickly. There can be high employee turnover, employee disengagement (aka quiet quitting ), and a reluctance to contribute for fear of criticism.

Dysfunctional authoritarian leaders resist feedback, become defensive under scrutiny, and fail to adapt as conditions change. The irony is brutal: the control they seek actually undermines their results.

Spotting the Authoritarian Leader: A Checklist

Ask yourself these questions honestly:

Does the leader dismiss suggestions quickly without really listening?
Is the leader's feedback delivered almost exclusively as criticism?
Does the leader get defensive or make excuses when his decisions are questioned?
Does the leader micromanage, or often refuse to delegate?
Do team members hesitate to tell the leader about bad news or innovative ideas?
Is there turnover or low morale because of the leader's management style?

If you answered yes to several of these, you are either looking in the mirror at some of your own traits or realizing that your boss may have an authoritarian leadership style.

Practical Steps for Leaders Who Recognize Themselves Here

If you see authoritarian tendencies in your own leadership, the good news is that you can change. And you don’t have to become someone you're not.

Start small with a few disciplined, measurable habit changes:

Ask for feedback in private from one of your team members. Practice receiving it without defending or deflecting. Just listen.
Balance your criticism with recognition. Instead of only pointing out what your team does wrong, make an effort to praise them.
Delegate a low-stakes task and resist the temptation to micromanage.
Work on your emotional tone. It’s fine to be direct but also try to have a warm and supportive tone.

The goal is not to soften your edge, it’s to sharpen your full range as a leader.

Some leaders who have perfectionist traits may come across as authoritarian. Read more in my article Perfectionism in High Achievers .

If You Work for an Authoritarian Leader

Reporting to an authoritarian leader can be a real test of your patience and resilience. First of all, don’t take things personally. Remember, it’s just a management style.

But to keep your sanity, it’s important to create some boundaries and structure for yourself:

Document your boss’s expectations so you have a clear reference if expectations shift.
Deliver feedback and present ideas with data. Give the authoritarian something concrete to evaluate.
Find a mentor or coach outside your organization who can provide an honest perspective.
Be clear about your self-worth and standards. If the environment is chronically toxic and your growth has stalled, the most strategic move may be transitioning to a role that actually supports your goals.

Working for an authoritarian leader is possible with the right attitude and structure, but not if it comes at the cost of your long-term career development.

The Way Forward

Authoritarian leadership can win short-term battles, but it usually loses the longer war. Good people leave, innovation dries up, and performance plateaus.

The alternative is for the authoritarian leader to gain self-awareness and decide to work on leadership skills.

Final Thoughts and a Dose of Empathy

The reason I decided to compare parenting styles to leadership styles is to show that we are all trained in paradigms. And paradigms can seem like “the only way.” They are rarely challenged. The authoritarian may be totally unaware of how his rigid style is affecting others. And if his parents were also rigid and inflexible, how could he know any other way of leading others?

This is not to excuse bad behavior. On the contrary, having empathy for the authoritarian helps you take things less personally. Or, if you’re an authoritarian leader yourself, you can have empathy for yourself. It’s not your fault, and in knowing this, you can change.

In summary, there is hope for all leaders. We can all be more self-aware and understand that at the end of the day leadership is a skill. And new skills can always be acquired.

For more on workplace dynamics, check out my article Three Ways to Set Better Boundaries at Work .

If you're interested in discussing work or career issues, check out my Career Counseling services page .

Frequently Asked Questions on Authoritarian Leadership

Three Ways to Set Better Boundaries at Work (Without the Guilt)

Sun, 26 Oct 2025 05:39:18 GMT

Once you understand workplace dynamics, you can start to set boundaries in a fair and reasonable way that helps everyone.

If you're ending each workday feeling stressed, resentful, or drained, you're not alone. As a therapist who specializes in helping high-achieving men manage work and career challenges , I've seen how poor boundaries can impact even the most passionate professionals.

The good news is that it’s not too late to start setting better boundaries at work. And it doesn't require a complete personality overhaul on your part.

In this article, I'm going to share three practical strategies that my clients use to protect their time, energy, and their passion for their work. Whether you're an employee or a business owner, these strategies can help.

Watch the Video: How to Set Better Boundaries at Work

The Hidden Cost of Poor Boundaries

Picture this… you're finally getting into a productive flow at work when your colleague drops by with a request: "Hey, something came up. Can you cover for me in the Zoom meeting today?”

Your internal dialogue kicks in. Part of you wants to say no. Your colleague has pulled this stunt before. To be honest, you’re fed up. But before you realize it, the words escape your mouth: "Sure, no problem," you reply.

After the Zoom meeting, you're stressed, resentful, and wondering why you can't just say no. Sound familiar? Read on...

Understanding Your Workplace as a Dynamic System

Before we get into the actual boundary-setting strategies, let's talk about why boundaries matter.

Think of your workplace like a family system. Everyone has defined roles, responsibilities, and expectations. When one person fails to fulfill their role, others compensate to keep things functioning.
In family systems , when compensating becomes chronic, we call it enabling.

For example, when an alcoholic father doesn't fulfill his responsibilities, family members often compensate. If he’s hung over, they might call in sick for him so he doesn’t lose his job. They mean well, but over time, their good intentions turn to resentment. And the father’s alcoholism continues unaddressed.

The same dynamics can play out in the workplace. When executives don't lead, when colleagues don't deliver, or when roles and responsibilities are unclear, others fill in the gaps. The organization keeps functioning, but at a cost. Employees burn out, there’s turnover, and eventually the business starts to decline.

The solution to all this chaos? Healthy boundaries. And when an organization doesn’t have the structure to encourage boundaries, it’s up to you to set them for yourself.

Now that we understand the nature of workplace dysfunction, and why boundaries matter, let’s learn some strategies.

Three Ways to Transform Your Work Boundaries

Boundary Strategy #1: Master the Art of Delegation

For men in leadership positions, the biggest boundary problem I see is the inability to delegate. Maybe this is a problem for you as well. Because you're good at what you do, you find it's easier to just handle something yourself.

But here's what happens. You take lunches at your desk, you work on weekends, and you take on more and more responsibilities that aren’t yours. Resentment builds and your motivation declines.

It doesn't have to be this way. You can start to train yourself to say no and delegate more. How? Start with small "delegation experiments."

Try this delegation experiment and see how it feels:

Choose a low-stakes task that you normally do and decide to delegate it instead.
Accept that the quality may be below your standards but focus on the time you'll save instead.
Assess the actual outcome of your delegating. Did anything bad happen? If not, keep delegating.

When you start to delegate consistently, your team learns to step up, and you free up your time for more important work.

Resistance to delegating can be a sign of perfectionism. Read more about perfectionism in my post, Perfectionism in High Achievers .

Boundary Strategy #2: Saying No Without the Drama

Many of us default to saying yes because we want to be helpful and be seen as team players. But this pattern slowly erodes your boundaries until you're everyone's go-to person for last-minute requests. Essentially, you’ve trained people that it's okay to dump things on you.

If you want to stop saying yes to people's requests, here's a few scripts you can try:

"I'm kind of busy right now, can I get back to you in an hour?" (This buys you some time to say no)
"I'm working on a deadline, I can't really drop this right now." (You're not lying because everything has a deadline)
Or just a simple, straightforward, "Sorry, I'm busy, I can't."

If you have any guilt about doing this, remember that you're saying no to this person just this one time, not forever. You always have the option to help in the future.

Here's another trick. I call it the "role-reversal test." Imagine you ask a colleague for help at the last minute and they decline. They say they're too busy. Would you think your colleague was being selfish or unreasonable? Of course not. You'd probably understand. The same standard applies to you. It's okay for you to say no.

Boundary Strategy #3: Asking for Help Instead of Doing It All Alone

The third strategy is to literally ask for help without having to justify it. As in, it's kind of nice to have people help you! Maybe this is a new concept for you. It is for many people.

Especially for high-achieving men, we fear that if we ask for help, it makes us seem weak or incompetent. We might also worry about burdening others.

But here's the truth: asking for help is essential to creating a functional, collaborative workplace. If you're the only one who picks up the slack, you're robbing other people of their chance to step up, and moreover, you're setting yourself up for burnout. And if you're burned out, you're not very useful!

Feeling burned out at work? Read my post Don’t Quit Your Job Yet: Understanding Work Dynamics and Burnout

For Leaders: You Set the Tone

If you're in leadership, everything starts with you. When you model healthy boundaries, you give your entire organization permission to do the same.

Modeling healthy boundaries might mean making some tough decisions. You may need to hire additional support, reorganize roles, or in some cases, let go of people who fail to fulfill their responsibilities.

These aren't easy choices, but they're essential for creating a functional organization where everyone can thrive.

Your Boundary Action Plan

For anyone struggling with boundaries at work, here's a homework assignment for you:

Identify one task you can delegate. Start with something small and specific.
Practice saying no. Use the scripts mentioned above or create your own.
Ask for help on one task, even if you don't need the help.

Treat this assignment like a fun experiment and collect data on it. How did people respond? How did you feel afterwards? If your coworkers are basically reasonable, most likely your boundary homework will not upset anybody. And you might even free up some time for yourself.

Remember, boundaries aren't about being difficult or rigid. They're about creating clarity and sustainability in your work life. When everyone understands and respects their roles (with room for occasional flexibility) the entire system functions better.

The Bottom Line on Boundaries

Setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you've been the go-to “yes person” for years. But here's what my clients consistently discover: when you set clear, reasonable boundaries, people actually respect you more. You feel less resentful, more energized, and surprisingly, you become more valuable to your organization, because you have more time to focus on things that matter.

The stressed, overwhelmed version of you isn't serving anyone. By protecting your time and energy through better boundaries, you're not just helping yourself, you're contributing to a healthier, more functional workplace for everyone.

Michael Ceely, LMFT, helps high-achieving men build sustainable success. If you're ready to set better boundaries and create lasting change in your work life, book a free 15-minute consultation today.

Finding Your Own Version of Work-Life Balance: 5 Strategies That Actually Work

Sat, 30 Aug 2025 23:56:10 GMT

Busting myths about work-life balance, so you can dial-in your life on your own terms.

You scroll through social media and see people who seem to have it all: the thriving business, the perfect family, the athletic achievements, the exotic vacations. Meanwhile, you're working late again, missing another family dinner, wondering if you're doing something wrong.

Here's the truth: all those perfect people on social media have plenty of problems. The Instagram version of work-life balance is a myth, and chasing it will leave you feeling frustrated.

But that doesn't mean you're stuck choosing between success and happiness. You can create your own version of work-life balance, one that works for your life.

Watch the Video: Busting the Myth of Work-Life Balance

The Myths That Keep You Stuck

Before we talk about how to dial-in your own version of work-life balance, we need to address all the confusing myths that are out there .

1. The "Having It All" Fantasy

Society sells you this dream that somewhere out there is a perfect life where everything is 100% balanced. Like running a successful business while coaching your kid's soccer team and training for a triathlon... all the while you and your spouse work eighty hours a week.

Of course scenarios like this don't exist. Those social media highlight reels are selectively curated moments, not reality. When you chase fantasy-based standards, you set yourself up for disappointment.

2. The False Choice Trap

On the other end of the spectrum from the “have it all” myth is the belief that you have to sacrifice one thing for the other. For example, you have to choose between money and happiness, health and wealth, or family and career. This kind of black and white thinking traps you in false either-or decisions.

The truth sits somewhere in the middle. You make compromises, yes, but not the soul-crushing kind that leave you resentful and wanting. You get to choose your own balance. You make your own trade-offs based on your own values and priorities.

Getting Real About How Much You Can Actually Do

Let's illustrate how these myths can be overcome using an example. Imagine you're a triathlete who wants to qualify for the Ironman in Hawaii. At the same time you also want to expand your business.

Both goals are possible. But pursuing both simultaneously at maximum intensity? That's where reality needs to enter the conversation.

You can pursue both goals but you need to honestly assess what that looks like. What's the realistic outcome if you're training twenty hours a week while trying to scale your business?

Maybe instead of 10x growth in your business, you aim for increasing your revenue by twenty percent. Maybe instead of winning your age group, you aim for a top-ten finish.

This isn't settling. It's setting yourself up for success by acknowledging the actual constraints you're working with. You see, you’re creating your own version of “having it all.”

Understanding Life Domains

Let’s bust the work-life balance myth with another reality check. People's lives consist of multiple domains: career, family, health, hobbies, spirituality, friendships, etc. When you're engaged in one domain, you're not spending time in the others. You can't be in two places at the same time.

Every hour you spend building your business is an hour not spent with your family. Every weekend training for a triathlon is a weekend not working on expanding your business.

When you accept this reality, you can make intentional choices about where to invest your time.

Understanding the Human Factor

Another reality check: you’re a human being. That's right, you need to sleep. You need food. You need social connection. These are universal human requirements.

You have the same twenty four hours per day as everyone else. You'll likely have about eighty five years on this planet if you take care of yourself. Working yourself into the ground shouldn't be the goal.

If you're working too hard and feeling burned out, take a look at my blog post Understanding Work Dynamics and Burnout .

“I’ve learned that you can’t have everything and do everything at the same time” – Oprah Winfrey

Five Strategies for Building Your Version of Balance

Okay, now for the practical part. Let’s talk about how to create a sustainable work-life balance that fits your actual life, not someone else's highlight reel.

1. Accept Your Limitations

This might feel counterintuitive, but accepting your limitations actually increases your capacity for success.

When you acknowledge that you need seven hours of sleep to function optimally, you stop wasting time being inefficient on five hours. When you admit you can't work effectively for 14 hours straight, you stop pretending and start working smarter.

So catch yourself when you're working at 2 AM and telling yourself you'll sleep when you're dead. That's not dedication. That’s denial of your humanity. If it’s late, go to bed. Tomorrow you'll accomplish more in six focused hours than you would by cranking out “just one more hour.”

For more on creating sustainable success in your life, check out my blog post, Transforming Men's Mental Health: The Power of Slowing Down

2. Make Clear Agreements

Do you take on too much? Stop saying yes to things you know you don’t have time for. Have the difficult conversations with the key people in your life and set some limits.

Tell your spouse exactly what your work commitments require. You might say, "Hey honey, I need to work Saturday mornings until noon for the next quarter so I can launch this project." Of course you may need to negotiate, but start with your ideal scenario.

Have the same clarity with your boss or business partner. Say something like, "I don't respond to emails after 8 PM or on Sundays unless it's a genuine emergency." Remember to define what constitutes an emergency.

These conversations can be awkward, but temporary discomfort beats long-term resentment. When everyone’s on the same page, stress levels go down.

3. Live by Your Calendar

While spontaneity sounds good on paper, true freedom comes through scheduling. This applies to everything, not just meetings and deadlines.

Schedule your workouts. Schedule date nights. Schedule time to think strategically about your business. Schedule vacations months in advance. And yes, schedule time to do absolutely nothing.

A pro tip here is to add “buffer zones” between events on your schedule. Do you really want three back-to-back meetings? Probably not. Allow extra time for transitioning between events.

Your calendar is also your boundary enforcer. When someone asks if you can take on another project, you can say, “let me check my calendar.” If the time isn't available, the answer is no.

“The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.” – Stephen Covey

4. Maintain Firm Boundaries

Speaking of saying no, let’s talk about boundaries. This is another strategy for maintaining balance in your life.

For example, when you're working on a weekend to meet a deadline and a friend invites you to dinner, politely decline. When you're at your kid's recital and your boss texts you, don't respond. When someone asks you to join a committee and you're already stretched too thin, say no thank you.

Remember, every time you say yes to one thing, you say no to something else. Make sure you're saying yes to what matters most, not just what's “urgent” as determined by someone else.

Think of boundaries not as walls, but guardrails. They keep you on track with your own priorities and protect you from everyone else's.

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

– Prentis Hemphill

5. Prioritize Self-Care Every Day

Another way to ensure you stay balanced is to have a self-care routine. Just like your car needs regular maintenance, so do you.

Self-care isn't about being lazy or taking lots of vacations, it's about consistent, daily practices that maintain your physical and mental health.

This could be starting each day with twenty minutes of exercise or ten minutes of journaling. Maybe you take a real lunch break instead of eating at your desk. Maybe you turn off all the screens in your house an hour before bedtime.

Find what works for you. For some people, it's an intense workout. For others, it's quiet meditation. Some folks need social connection, while others need solitude. There's no universal self-care formula, only what works for you.

The key here is consistency. A daily ten minute walk beats sporadic workouts here and there. Even small, regular investments in your well-being compound over time.

Your Life, Your Rules

Work-life balance isn't about achieving some mythical state where everything’s perfect. It's about consciously choosing your own priorities and values, not someone else's expectations.

So yes, you can build a successful career and have meaningful relationships. You can pursue athletic goals and grow your business. You can be ambitious and also be present. But you can't do everything at maximum intensity all the time.

Your version of balance will look different from everyone else's. Define success for yourself, make conscious choices, then be proud of those decisions.

The strategies outlined in this article are simple. Use your calendar. Set boundaries. Take care of yourself. Like any new habit, start small and build momentum.

Start with just one strategy this week. If you're feeling exhausted, start with self-care. If you're overwhelmed with obligations, start saying no. Small changes, consistently applied, will create sustainable balance in your life.

For more on getting started with better balance in your life, check out my morning routine for success.

And if you're interested in exploring your work and career issues more in-depth, visit my Career Counseling page.

Perfectionism in High Achievers: Pitfalls and Solutions

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Fri, 25 Jul 2025 21:16:06 GMT

5 Perfectionist Traps and 3 Ways to Overcome Them

In my counseling practice, perfectionism is a common issue I see in the executives and entrepreneurs I work with. High-achieving people often have a hard time recognizing their perfectionist traits.

Perfectionism can be mistaken for high standards or a diligent work ethic. While these traits have their merits, they become problematic when applied in an overly rigid manner. They cease to be merits and instead become obstacles that limit progress and decision making.

In this article, I'll highlight the five most common perfectionism traps, and offer three simple solutions.

Key Takeaways

5 Common Perfectionism Traps:

Overplanning - Getting things "just right" before executing on a task.
Procrastination - Waiting for the "perfect moment" to do something.
Micromanaging - Wanting to oversee every detail and avoid delegating.
Fear of Sharing “Rough Drafts” - Refusing to share ideas unless fully polished.
Tying Self-Worth to Outcomes - Viewing mistakes as personal character flaws.

3 Ways to Reduce Perfectionism:

The 80% Rule - Experiment with doing things 80% perfect instead of 100% perfect.
Delegate Without Editing - Assign tasks at work and resist the desire to micromanage.
Share Something Unfinished - Distribute ideas or concepts before they're perfect.

Understanding the Belief in Perfectionism

Many perfectionists don't see themselves as having a problem. They say things like, “I just have high standards” or, “Unless I do it myself, it won’t get done correctly.”

While these statements may feel true to the perfectionist, they lack perspective. They keep the perfectionist trapped in a standard of achievement that's overkill. Even though 80% perfect may be good enough, the perfectionist is unable to accept less than 100%. Eventually, perfectionism becomes exhausting and leads to burnout.

At its core, perfectionism is driven by fear of failure. But more importantly, it's the meaning ascribed to failure. For example, if you believe failing at a task makes you a failure as a person, then you're going to cling to the safety of perfectionism. Or if failure means others will reject you, or never forgive you for your mistake, then perfectionism makes "perfect" sense, right?

While insight into the causes of perfection is important, insight alone is not curative. What's needed is a way to practice "lowering your standards" to provide proof that perfectionism isn't necessary.

Before we get to the solutions, let's first look at how to identify perfectionism in some of its disguises.

Five Common Perfectionism Traps

Based on my work with high achieving people across multiple domains, I have come up with a list of five behaviors that commonly show up as perfectionism. Here they are:

1. Overplanning
Perfectionists often spend excessive time getting things “just right” before starting. The result? Momentum stalls, and progress is thwarted.

2. Procrastination
People with high standards often wait for “the perfect moment” before executing. Of course the perfect moment doesn't exist. This delay tactic is often justified as due diligence, but it’s really perfectionism in disguise. Learn more about procrastination in my post, Stop Procrastination. Tame the Tiger and Get Momentum

3. Micromanaging
High performing people often prefer to take ownership of every detail due to their discomfort with delegation. As a result, innovation suffers and burnout sets in.

4. Fear of Sharing the "Rough Draft"
Refusing to share ideas or products publicly unless they’re fully polished. This delays feedback and forward progress.

5. Tying Self-Worth to Outcome
High achievers often believe that a less-than-stellar performance is a personal character flaw. Mistakes feel catastrophic rather than something to learn from.

These behaviors don’t mean someone isn’t talented or hardworking. In fact, the opposite is usually true. The reality is that these are compensatory behaviors in response to a false belief that anything less than perfect is unacceptable.

Behavioral Experiments Are the Solution

If any of the above perfectionism patterns resonated with you, try the following behavioral experiments . Think of these experiments as “mini reps” in the mental gym. Use them to build a more flexible and pragmatic approach to performance.

1. The 80% Rule

Pick one low-stakes task this week and submit it when it’s only 80% perfect. This could be an email or a simple report. Trust that good enough really can be good enough. After submitting it, wait and see what happens. Ask yourself afterward, “Did anything disastrous happen?”

2. Delegate Without Editing

If you're a manager, assign a task to someone on your team, give clear instructions, and let the final product go live, as-is. Use this as an opportunity to observe where your discomfort stems from. Again, you can ask yourself, "Did anything disastrous happen?"

3. Share Something Unfinished

Post an idea, concept, or behind-the-scenes update before it’s perfect. Let others respond to the raw version and notice if your assumptions were true about how “ready” it needed to be. You will likely receive feedback. Notice if you take the feedback as criticism or helpful advice.

Why This Approach Works

What each of these experiments does is create low-risk test scenarios where you can observe and challenge your perfectionistic patterns. Just like in therapy or coaching, meaningful change occurs not with insight alone, but with real-world practice.

It may feel uncomfortable at first, but small shifts like these strengthen your ability to choose progress over perfection. For more on this, check out my post, The Cure for Perfectionism is Progress, Not Perfection

Final Thoughts

As perfectionism begins to loosen its grip on you, notice how you begin to feel more relaxed. But be careful here, your perfectionism may protest. It might whisper, "Don't relax. You're supposed to be perfect all the time."

But stick with your "de-perfection" training. Remember, performance is not about flawless achievement. It's about moving the ball down the field and delivering a result that works.

If you’re an executive, entrepreneur, or business owner who’s realized perfectionism is holding you back, I offer career counseling and coaching programs designed to help you reach your goals.

Mastering Ambition: A Therapist's Guide for High-Achieving Men

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Tue, 01 Jul 2025 02:42:53 GMT

Ambition drives achievement, but too much ambition causes unnecessary stress and can lead to burnout.

High-achieving men tend to have these three traits: competitiveness, a desire to optimize, and high standards.

These qualities fuel success, but when taken to extremes, they can cause stress, self-criticism, and burnout. Understanding how to harness these traits in a healthy way is key to not only achieving your goals but also enjoying a more balanced and fulfilling life.

In this post, Michael Ceely, a psychotherapist specializing in work with high-achieving men, offers his insights into mastering ambition. Drawing from his experience as a former competitive athlete, Michael explains how to keep your ambitious traits in check and also use them to your advantage.

Key Takeaways - Common Ambition Traps for High-Achieving Men

Stuck in Competition: Viewing your wins and losses as a never-ending struggle instead of focusing on progress.
Endless Optimization: Never allowing for “good enough.” Wasting energy on minor tweaks.
Rigid Standards: Seeing high standards as “correct” and beating up on yourself when you miss the mark.
Outcome Addiction: Tying your self-worth exclusively to external achievements.
Ignoring Burnout Signals: Pushing through physical and mental exhaustion. Never allowing time to recharge.

Watch the Video: How High-Achieving Men Can Reduce Stress

The Three Core Traits of High-Achieving Men

If you're a high-achieving man, you likely recognize these three qualities in yourself:

Competitiveness: A natural love for competition, striving to push yourself and compare yourself to others.
Optimization: The drive to continually improve, tweak, and enhance your performance.
High Standards: Holding yourself and others to rigorous expectations, which can lead to self-criticism if those standards aren’t met.

These traits, like fire, are powerful forces. When harnessed correctly, they fuel remarkable achievements. But if overused, they can turn against you, leading to anxiety, perfectionism, workaholism, and strained relationships.

1. Harnessing the Power of Competition

Competition is an energizing and motivating force. The word competition comes from the Latin competere , meaning “to strive together.” Viewing competition in this way brings out the best in yourself and others, and can change how you experience wins and losses.

Here are some tips for keeping competition healthy and productive:

Embrace the spirit of striving together: See competition as a shared journey rather than a cutthroat battle.
Keep perspective during wins: Winning is exciting, but it’s important not to get overly full of yourself. Remember your broader purpose.
Reframe competition as a mission: Whether in business or sports, remind yourself that competition serves a larger purpose: helping others, inspiring people, and delivering value.
Handle losses gracefully: Losses are inevitable. Staying grounded in your mission helps you avoid self-criticism and keeps you motivated.

2. When Excellence Becomes Over-Optimization

The desire to optimize is a hallmark of high achievers. This trait is important in business, athletic performance, and personal development. But the challenge arises when optimization turns into perfectionism. Recognize when “good enough” is truly good enough.

Key insights for managing optimization include:

Accept “good enough”: Not every product, service, or performance needs to be 100% perfect. A lower standard often satisfies customers or audiences just fine.
Know when to stop: Over-optimizing can waste valuable energy and time. Sometimes pushing further won’t yield any significant improvements.
Focus on impact, not ego: Optimization should serve the people you help, not feed your own need for control or perfection.

3. Rethinking High Standards as Targets, Not Ultimatums

High standards motivate you to deliver excellence, but they can also lead to self-criticism when things don’t go as planned.

To shift this mindset, consider these reframes:

See standards as targets, not pass/fail tests: Standards are targets to aim for, but missing them occasionally does not mean failure or personal inadequacy.
Maintain your standards without self-criticism: Holding yourself to high standards is valuable, but it’s equally important to practice self-compassion when outcomes fall short.
Use standards to inspire growth, not guilt: View standards as guides for continuous improvement rather than rigid measures of worth.

Putting It All Together: Mastering Ambition Without Burning Out

Competition, optimization, and high standards are essential qualities that drive success, but they don’t have to come at the cost of your well-being. By reframing these traits, you can reduce unnecessary stress and self-criticism. Start seeing competition as collaborative striving, try doing something "good enough," and consider using your standards as targets, not ultimatums.

Experiment with some of the ideas in this article. Select some low-stakes situations. For example, try sending a quick email instead of one with perfect grammar. See how it feels, notice the discomfort, then let it go. You might start noticing that "good enough" often is just that.

FAQ: Mastering Ambition for High-Achieving Men

Q: How can I stay competitive without feeling resentful or burnt out?

A: Embrace the spirit of “striving together” in competition. Focus on your mission and see wins and losses as part of the growth process rather than personal judgments.

Q: When should I stop optimizing and accept that something is “good enough”?

A: When further tweaks no longer add meaningful value to your clients, customers, or performance. When optimizing is serving mostly your ego, it’s time to stop.

Q: How do I deal with falling short of my high standards?

A: Reframe standards as targets rather than pass/fail tests. Missing a target doesn’t mean failure; it’s an opportunity to learn and adjust.

Q: Can therapy help with managing high-achieving traits?

A: Absolutely. Therapy, especially cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), can help you develop healthier perspectives on competition, optimization, and standards, leading to less stress and more sustainable success.

Q: Is it possible to be successful and still enjoy a balanced life?

A: Yes. By mastering your ambition and reframing your traits, you can achieve your goals and maintain well-being, happiness, and meaningful relationships.

Transforming Men's Mental Health: The Power of Slowing Down

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Sat, 07 Jun 2025 15:00:04 GMT

Just like a sports team takes a timeout, men also need to mentally regroup to function at their best.

In today’s fast paced world, many men find themselves trapped in a cycle of busyness and stress, constantly sprinting from one task to the next without a moment to pause. This lifestyle often leads to burnout , leaving men feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

As a licensed therapist specializing in men's mental health , I’ve seen firsthand how this pattern can take a toll not only on mental wellbeing but also on productivity and overall life satisfaction.

Drawing from both my professional experience and personal journey, I want to share with you a transformative approach: slowing down to speed up . This concept, though it might sound like a paradox, is a powerful strategy that can help you achieve more, while reducing stress.

In this post, I outline three practical strategies that can help you break free from burnout, regain control of your time, and improve your mental health.

Key Takeaways - How Slowing Down Can Improve Men's Mental Health

Plan Your Day the Night Before : Spend 5-10 minutes reviewing the next day’s schedule. Estimate the actual time needed for your most important tasks, then cut any non-essentials tasks.
Establish a Morning Routine : Create a consistent 15-20 minute weekday practice including physical activity, sunlight exposure, and mindfulness.
Learn to Say No: Prevent overcommitment at work by pausing before you respond to requests. Communicate boundaries and protect your time.

Watch the Video: Transforming Men's Mental Health

Why Slowing Down Is Essential for Sustainable Success

Imagine waking up on a Monday after a fun weekend, only to find yourself behind schedule right from the start. Your inbox is flooded, meetings are stacked up, and your to-do list feels insurmountable. By the end of the day, despite your best efforts, you feel like you haven’t accomplished anything.

This scenario is all too common, and it’s not just about external pressures piling up. The root of the problem often lies in how we manage our own time and energy.

When you’re always rushing, saying yes to everything, and reacting to demands as they come in , you’re functioning in a reactive mode. The idea of slowing down to speed up is about shifting from frantic busyness to intentional productivity. It’s about making deliberate choices that allow you to work smarter, not harder.

Strategy 1: Plan Your Day the Night Before

The simplest yet most effective way to slow down and regain control is to spend 5 to 10 minutes each night reviewing and adjusting your schedule for the next day. This might sound nerdy or like an extra task you don’t have time for, but trust me, t’s a game changer.

Here’s how to do it:

Review your calendar or to-do list: Whether you use a digital calendar or prefer writing things down on paper, take a clear look at what’s planned.
Be realistic: Estimate how much time you’ll need for each task and meeting.
Tweak your schedule: Cancel or postpone non-essential meetings, and block out time for breaks or even a quick workout to break up your day.

This proactive approach allows you to mentally prepare for the day ahead, reducing surprises and stress. By making your schedule leaner and more intentional, you're able to focus on what truly matters.

Strategy 2: Establish a Morning Routine

How you start your morning sets the tone for the entire day. Yet, many men fall into the trap of immediately diving into work or obligations. This reactive start fuels stress and makes it harder to perform at your best.

In my therapy practice, I encourage my clients to develop a consistent morning routine during the weekdays that slows you down and centers your mind and body. This doesn’t require hours of your time. Just 15 to 20 minutes can make a profound difference.

Your morning routine might include:

Physical activity: Even a short workout helps get your blood flowing and releases feel-good hormones, creating a buffer against stress.
Sunlight exposure: Getting natural light early in the day helps regulate your circadian rhythms and boosts your mood and focus.
Mindfulness practices: Journaling, meditation, or prayer can help align your mind, reduce anxiety, and increase your presence throughout the day.
Gratitude journaling: Writing down things you’re thankful for shifts your focus toward positivity and programs your subconscious mind to appreciate what's going well in your life.

Personally, I’ve found that even on days when I feel too busy to engage in this routine, skipping it leaves me feeling scattered and stressed. But committing to this practice, even when it feels like a chore, grounds me and equips me to handle my day with greater calm and clarity.

Strategy 3: Learn to Say No

One of the hardest skills to develop is the ability to say no. So many men fall into the role of the “fixer” or the hero, always saying yes to help others. This habit creates an endless cycle of interruptions and obligations that overwhelms you.

To slow down and reclaim your time, start practicing setting boundaries and saying no. Here’s how you can approach it:

Pause before responding: If someone asks for help, don’t feel pressured to answer immediately. Say, “Let me get back to you on that,” and give yourself time to assess your availability.
Evaluate urgency: Mentally categorize requests as either emergencies or non-emergencies. If it’s not urgent, it’s okay to say no or delegate.
Communicate clearly: When you decline, be polite but firm. For example, “I’d love to help, but I don’t have the capacity right now.”
Low-stakes experiment: Start small by saying no to minor requests and observe the reaction. Often, people will understand and respect your boundaries.

Remember, saying no doesn’t mean you’re being selfish. It means you’re prioritizing your energy for what matters most. Saying no also prevents burnout by ensuring you’re not constantly overcommitted.

Putting It Together: The Sustainable Model for Men’s Mental Health

Planning your day the night before, having a morning routine, and learning to say no combine to create a sustainable model for managing stress and enhancing productivity.

Here’s a quick recap:

Nightly Planning: Spend 5-10 minutes reviewing and adjusting your schedule to set yourself up for success.
Morning Routine: Dedicate time each weekday morning to physical activity, mindfulness, and gratitude.
Boundary Setting: Practice saying no and prioritizing your time to avoid burnout and maintain focus on what matters most.

By adopting these habits, you’ll likely notice a reduction in stress and a greater sense of control over your time. You’ll also be able to accomplish more in the long run without sacrificing your mental health.

Frequently Asked Questions: How Slowing Down Improves Your Mental Health

Final Thoughts

Slowing down to speed up is more than just a catchy phrase. It can transform how you approach your work, relationships, and mental health.

By planning ahead, taking time for yourself each morning, and setting healthy boundaries, you can create a sustainable, satisfying, and productive life.

I’ve been where you are. I’ve struggled with burnout and the pressure to do it all. These strategies have helped me reclaim my time and sanity, and they can help you too. Start small, be patient with yourself, and watch how your life begins to change.

If you want to dive deeper into managing stress and preventing burnout, consider seeking support from a therapist who understands men's mental health. You don’t have to do this alone.

Discover Your Inner Hero Through Men's Therapy: A Journey of Healing and Growth

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Thu, 22 May 2025 00:58:54 GMT

Men's therapy is being redefined. Now is the time to consider the benefits of individual therapy, group therapy, and men's retreats.

Men's therapy is evolving, redefining what it means for men to seek mental health support and emotional growth.

In this article, we'll explore the insights and wisdom shared by Marc Azoulay, founder of Men's Therapy Online. Marc was on my High Performance Podcast , and we had a great conversation about men's mental health.

This article addresses the challenges men face, the transformative power of men's therapy, and the stages men pass through on their way to healing and self-actualization.

Whether you’re considering therapy yourself or seeking to understand more about men’s mental health, this article offers an honest and practical look at the topic.

Watch the Video: Discover Your Inner Hero

Understanding the Need for Men's Therapy

Many men experience a disconnect between their desires for meaningful relationships and the reality they live with. Often, men want to connect deeply but find themselves feeling lonely, confused, or stuck in patterns that don’t work. This is partly because societal expectations and traditional masculine norms do not always provide clear feedback or emotional guidance.

Marc Azoulay explains that this lack of honest feedback can leave men feeling isolated and misunderstood, which is why men’s therapy can be so powerful. It creates a space where men can receive that honest feedback and use it to grow.

Marc Azoulay’s Path to Therapy

Marc’s journey into the world of psychotherapy is a story of reinvention, struggle, and healing. Growing up as a self-described nerd, he faced bullying and a lack of male role models. His adolescent years saw him get involved in a punk rocker lifestyle filled with drugs and risky behavior.

His turning point came after a drug overdose in college, which led him to therapy. His breakthrough came with a male therapist who provided a compassionate, engaged, and emotionally authentic connection, something Marc had not experienced before.

This personal experience fuels his passion for men’s therapy today, especially the importance of creating spaces where men can be truly seen, heard, and supported.

The Unique Challenges Men Face in Therapy

Men face unique hurdles in their mental health journey:

Societal Expectations: Men are often expected to be stoic, self-reliant, and emotionally controlled, which can make vulnerability feel risky or shameful.
Lack of Emotional Role Models: Many men grow up without older male figures who model emotional intelligence and healthy masculinity.
Conflicted Masculinity: Men may struggle between bad habits like angry outbursts and a desire to express authentic emotions in a more productive way.

Men’s therapy addresses these challenges by providing a structure where men can explore their emotions honestly, challenge harmful patterns, and practice new ways of relating.

The Power of Men’s Groups and Retreats

One of the most impactful aspects of men’s therapy, according to Marc, is the power of group work and retreats. These settings create unique opportunities for men to:

Practice Honesty: Groups encourage men to share their true feelings, including anger and vulnerability, in a safe environment.
Receive Honest Feedback: Unlike many social settings, men’s groups provide a “clear mirror” where peers can call each other out on their behaviors and blind spots.
Experiment with Conflict: Men can practice healthy conflict resolution and emotional expression without fear of judgment.

Marc compares men’s groups to a dojo or martial arts gym where men can “spar” emotionally, learning how to engage with conflict and connection in productive ways. This experience is especially valuable for men who have developed avoidant or explosive patterns around conflict.

What Makes a Good Men’s Group?

Marc emphasizes two key elements: honesty and experimentation.

Honesty: This means not only being truthful about one’s own feelings but also being willing to give honest, feedback to others. It’s about breaking through the isolation of shame and the false narratives men often carry about themselves.
Experimentation: Men’s groups provide a space to try new ways of being, especially around conflict and emotional expression. This practice helps men develop new skills for real-world relationships.

The Villain to Guide Framework: A Transformational Pathway for Men

One of the most insightful frameworks Marc shares is the journey from “Villain to Victim to Hero to Guide.” This pathway helps men understand their emotional and behavioral transformation in therapy and beyond.

1. Villain

Often, men come to therapy feeling like the villain. They might be struggling with anger, or relationship conflicts, and their loved ones may have given them ultimatums. This stage is usually charged with shame and resistance.

2. Victim

Through therapy, men gain insight into how their past experiences have shaped their behaviors. Moving into the victim stage helps reduce shame by understanding the origins of one’s struggles.

3. Hero

The hero stage is where men take responsibility and actively work to transform their lives. This stage is about turning pain into power, setting goals, and making concrete changes in behavior. It’s a call to action and growth beyond victimhood.

4. Guide

The final stage is becoming a guide. This might include mentoring younger men, participating in men’s groups, or being a leader in one’s community. Marc notes that this guide role is not just beneficial to others but also deeply healing and grounding for the man stepping into it. It represents a mature, integrated form of masculinity that balances strength with emotional intelligence .

Practical Considerations for Men’s Therapy

Starting Therapy

For men who are new to therapy, individual sessions are recommended as a first step. This allows men to build self-awareness, process trauma, and develop readiness for group work. Group therapy tends to be most effective for men who have some foundational understanding of their issues and are ready to engage in deeper relational work.

Choosing the Right Group

Men’s groups vary widely, and it’s important to find one with skilled facilitation and a supportive culture. Organizations like the Mankind Project offer well-established retreats and group experiences, but participants should be mindful of the group dynamics and leadership quality to ensure a positive experience.

Overcoming Fear of Vulnerability

Many men feel apprehensive about joining groups or retreats due to fears of judgment, poor group dynamics, or discomfort with emotional expression. However, these experiences can be transformative, providing a safe space to practice honesty and build meaningful connections with other men.

Conclusion: Embracing the Hero’s Journey in Men’s Therapy

Men’s therapy is more than just treatment for mental health issues, it’s a pathway to discovering one’s authentic self and stepping into a powerful, mature form of masculinity. Through honest connection, skillful facilitation, and the support of a brotherhood, men can move from feeling isolated and confused to becoming heroes and guides in their own lives and communities.

Marc Azoulay’s work exemplifies how men’s therapy can transform lives by providing safe spaces for truth, accountability, and growth. Whether you’re a man seeking help or someone interested in understanding men’s mental health better, the journey from villain to guide offers a hopeful and empowering roadmap.

Remember, seeking men’s therapy is not a sign of weakness but a courageous step toward living fully and authentically. Embrace the journey, find your tribe, and discover your inner hero.

For more on Marc's therapy offerings, go to Men's Therapy Online .

You can also check out Men's Therapy Directory a resource I created that offers individual and group therapy options for men in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Guys Night: A Film About the Journey of Single Fatherhood

Fri, 09 May 2025 19:48:27 GMT

Being a single dad is a topic not often addressed. This film gives a voice to all the men out there fulfilling this challenging role.

In my therapy practice, I encounter men dealing with the challenges of expressing emotions, especially during significant life transitions like divorce or single parenthood. Societal norms have long dictated that men should be stoic, often leading to suppressed feelings and unaddressed emotional wounds.

Enter Guys Night , an upcoming independent film that gets to the heart of these issues. Based on the true story of filmmaker Niko Vitacco, the narrative follows Anthony, a single father in 1980s Illinois, striving to connect with his three sons after their mother leaves. Through weekly "Guys Nights" filled with VHS movies and snacks, Anthony attempts to bridge the emotional gap with his sons, particularly with his middle son, Dominic.

What sets Guys Night apart is its raw portrayal of a father's struggle to balance strength with vulnerability. It challenges the traditional notions of masculinity, showcasing that true strength lies in emotional honesty and connection.

The film's commitment to authenticity is evident in its production choices. Scenes were shot on a special camera to create a nostalgic 35mm aesthetic, and set against the backdrop of Hometown, Illinois (yes, that’s the actual name of the town). These elements serve not just as a setting but as a character, reflecting the era's cultural nuances and the protagonist's internal battles.

Beyond its cinematic merits, Guys Night aims to be a catalyst for conversations around men's mental health, fatherhood, and the importance of emotional expression. It's a story that resonates with many of the themes I see in my therapy sessions, emphasizing that seeking help and expressing emotions are signs of strength, not weakness.

Currently, the team behind Guys Night is seeking support to bring this poignant story to life. With fiscal

sponsorship through IFA Chicago, contributions are tax-deductible, aiding in their goal to commence production in Fall 2025. For those interested in supporting a project that aligns with the mission of promoting men's emotional well-being, consider donating here .

In a world where men's emotional narratives are often overlooked, Guys Night offers a much-needed spotlight, reminding us all of the power of vulnerability and connection. Learn more about the movie here: Guys Night

Dealing with single fatherhood or divorce? Learn more about my services, Counseling for Life Changes.

Don’t Quit Your Job Yet: Understanding Work Dynamics and Burnout

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Mon, 21 Apr 2025 20:15:31 GMT

Even the most talented people can burn out if they're unaware of the complexities of workplace environments.

You're ambitious, high-achieving, and you landed your dream job. Or so you thought. The job that once inspired you now feels like a burden. You’re feeling burned out, unmotivated, and maybe even resentful. What happened?

In this article, we’ll explore the two primary reasons for job burnout: first, the work environment, and second, your personality and working style.

Watch the Video on Workplace Burnout

The Dual Nature of Burnout

Burnout stems from a complex interplay between external factors like the work environment, and internal factors like your habits and personality traits. Let’s break this down. Initially, your job may have felt like a great fit. However, something shifted, leading to feelings of overwhelm or resentment. Identifying the root causes can be crucial in resolving these feelings.

Identifying Workplace Issues

So, how do you recognize if your workplace is the source of your burnout? Here are a few signs:

High Employee Turnover: A clear sign that the environment may be toxic.
Workflow Issues: If your organization frequently takes on more work than it can handle, it creates unsustainable pressure on employees.
Lack of Job Descriptions: Unclear roles and responsibilities can lead to confusion and frustration. If you notice that your workload is consistently overwhelming, it’s essential to speak up. If leadership is unresponsive to these concerns, it might be time to consider other opportunities.

Identifying Personal Factors in Burnout

Now, let’s shift our focus to you. Sometimes, the workplace may be functioning well, yet you still feel burned out. What could be happening on a personal level? Here are a few reasons:

Overcommitting: Many high achievers struggle to say no, leading to an unsustainable workload.
People-Pleasing: If you avoid conflict and prioritize others' needs over your own, resentment can build up. For example, if you’re the go-to person who takes on all the extra tasks, it’s crucial to recognize this pattern and begin to communicate your limits.

If you find yourself overcommitting or people-pleasing, try these two strategies to combat your overly helpful nature and set better boundaries:

The Power of the Pause: If you're hesitant to decline requests, take a moment to pause and say, "Let me check my schedule and get back to you." This gives you time to assess your workload.
It’s Not Your Company: Understand that you are being compensated for your labor. You don’t own the company, so be fair to yourself. Don’t go above and beyond the call of duty at the cost of your own well-being

Learn more about people-pleasing in blog How to Finally Stop Being a People-Pleaser

The Person and the Environment

Burnout can stem from either the workplace environment or personal factors, or a combination of both. It’s essential to reflect on your situation and identify the root causes. My suggestion is to create a two-column list to categorize potential problems related to your job as well as your own personal behaviors. This exercise can provide clarity and guide your next steps.

Don’t shy away from having difficult conversations with your boss or co-workers. Open communication can lead to positive changes, and remember: over-communication is usually better than under-communication. Your career is important, and understanding the dynamics at play can empower you to make informed decisions.

As you navigate your career, don’t hesitate to seek support from professionals who specialize in career coaching and counseling. You deserve to thrive in your workplace, and taking proactive steps can lead you there.

Learn more about my career counseling services.

My Own Burnout Story

Part of the inspiration for this article comes from my own experience. I once worked in the tech sector in San Francisco, earning a good salary and thriving in my role. But my definition of thriving meant working until 9 pm and saying yes to more projects. After a while burnout crept in, affecting not just me but my colleagues as well.

The company attempted to address this issue by bringing in an organizational psychologist , a well-meaning business coach who focused on individual employee personality traits without considering the broader systemic dynamics.

This whole experience de-motivated me even more, and I ended up quitting. In hindsight, it was a blessing in disguise, as it led me to pursue a career in counseling. However, it was a shame that I had to leave a great company without understanding the complex dynamics that caused me to burn out.

I don’t want the same thing to happen to you, especially if you’re at a good company. By understanding the unseen dynamics at play, you can make an informed choice. You can decide to stay at your current job, or move on to a place that’s a better fit.

Remember, identifying the sources of your burnout is the first step toward a healthier, more fulfilling professional life.

Breaking Barriers: Why Men Avoid Therapy

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Fri, 11 Apr 2025 15:39:45 GMT

3 reasons that prevent men from seeking help, plus 3 benefits that make therapy worth it.

Men face a unique set of challenges when it comes to seeking therapy. The stigma surrounding mental health, the fear of vulnerability, and the misconception that asking for help is a sign of weakness can prevent men from getting the support they need.

In this post we'll explore the three most common reasons men avoid therapy, as well as the benefits therapy can bring to their lives.

Watch the Video

Why Men Avoid Therapy: 3 Common Reasons

There are three primary reasons men hesitate to seek therapy. Each reason reveals a deeper societal norm that has historically hindered men from asking for help. Fortunately, men's therapy is becoming more and more accepted.

1. Fear of Asking for Help

At the core of men's reluctance to seek therapy is a fear of asking for help. Society often teaches men that they should be self-sufficient problem-solvers. This stoic outlook has its merits, but it also leads to isolation. Many men pride themselves on their ability to "figure it out" alone, thinking that seeking help is a sign of weakness.

But consider this: the most successful athletes in the world have coaches. Why? Because to get better, they know they need to ask for help. The same principle applies to therapy. Sometimes, an outside perspective is exactly what you need to navigate life's challenges. Recognizing that it's okay to seek help is a significant first step.

2. Stigma and Fear of Judgment

Another major barrier is the stigma that has historically been attached to therapy. Many men believe that going to therapy means they are "broken" or "crazy." This misconception can lead to fears about how others might perceive them. Popular media often portrays therapy as something reserved for extreme cases, perpetuating the idea that only those in crisis seek help.

In reality, therapy is becoming normalized, thanks in part to notable athletes and celebrities. People like Michael Phelps have opened up about their experiences, showing that seeking help is not just acceptable but a proactive step toward self-improvement.

3. Lack of Understanding of Therapy's Value

Many men are unsure about the return on investment (ROI) of therapy. They question whether it will be worth their time or if it will actually help. This uncertainty prevents them from even considering therapy as an option.

Reading up on different therapeutic modalities - like cognitive behavioral therapy or psychodynamic therapy - can help demystify the process of therapy. Understanding that therapy offers tools and strategies for everyday life helps shift the perspective from skepticism to exploration.

The Benefits of Therapy for Men: 3 Examples

Despite the barriers, the benefits of therapy for men are profound. Here are three significant advantages that can emerge from engaging in therapeutic practices.

1. Increased Flexibility and Connection

One of the most notable benefits of therapy is greater connectedness to others. When men have the courage to ask for help, they cultivate humility and openness. This newfound flexibility can benefit all aspects of their lives, from work to personal relationships.

For example, if a man realizes he doesn’t always have to be the problem-solver, he can start delegating more at work or defer to his spouse in discussions at home. This collaborative attitude leads to healthier relationships.

2. Enhanced Self-Awareness

Therapy can increase self-awareness. Understanding what triggers certain behaviors or feelings can empower men to act more deliberately. For example, if you know that skipping exercise makes you short-tempered, you might choose to postpone that important talk with your boss at work.

Self-awareness helps men identify their strengths and weaknesses, allowing them to navigate challenges more effectively. With a heightened sense of self, men can catch themselves before falling into old patterns.

3. Practical Tools and Strategies

Finally, therapy empowers men with tools and strategies to improve their daily lives.

Therapy is not just about gaining insight, it’s also about learning practical skills. Simply counting to ten, for example, can be helpful during stressful moments. Instead of reacting impulsively, men can take a moment to breathe and respond thoughtfully.

Whether it's managing workplace stress or navigating conflicts at home, having strategies in place can lead to a more fulfilling life.

Conclusion: Taking the First Step

Understanding the barriers to trying therapy is the first step toward getting the support you need. Therapy offers numerous benefits that can significantly improve your personal and professional life.

Whether you're just curious about therapy or ready to take the plunge, remember that seeking help is a sign of strength. The journey toward mental wellness is one worth taking.

5 Ways to Turn Around a Bad Day

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Mon, 17 Mar 2025 16:15:00 GMT

Reboot a bad day in 5 minutes. Here are 5 ways to get on a positive track.

We all have bad days. Even the most positive people get thrown off course. Typically we get tripped up by an outside event. We miss our train, get stuck in traffic, or get a surprise call or email with some bad news.

You can let negative events ruin your day, or you can TAKE CONTROL and turn things around with your own self-interventions.

The first thing you can do is FORGIVE yourself for reacting. You are human. You have moods. There’s nothing wrong with you.

Now, let’s reclaim your day! Here are 5 ways:

Get moving. (5 minute) Take a walk. Inside or outside, doesn’t matter. The change of scenery and exercise signals your brain to let go of the stressful event, keeping you from spiraling down.
Change your posture. (1–2 minutes) By enacting a “power posture” (chest out, head up, looking upward) you short-circuit negativity. Your brain and body act “as if” things are not quite so bad. Focus solely on your posture and feel the inherent power within you.
Music. (1–5 minutes) One of the quickest mood changers is music. Listen to classical, jazz, techno, hard rock… whatever works for you.
Get perspective. (3–5 minutes) Okay, so your day is no longer perfect. But in the grand scheme of things, you have a job, a roof over your head, family, and friends. Tap into the power of gratitude. Quickly write down or think of 3 things you are grateful for.
Make it an opportunity. A radical thing to do is to look for the opportunity in the negative event. Stuck in traffic? Listen to that podcast, or practice deep breathing. Immediately start making the best of the situation, before you can talk yourself out of it.

So there you have it, 5 self-interventions that take 5 minutes or less!

A caveat: the first few times you try these, you’ll resist. You’ll be tempted to wallow in negativity. That’s normal! That’s simply what you’re used to. Keep trying these interventions and they’ll eventually start working.

You CAN learn a new way to handle negative events. You are the captain of your own ship. You can steer your day your way, no matter what storm decides to cross your path!

For more on how to manage stress, check out my anxiety therapy services and my blog post Action Cures Anxiety.

How to Say No to Gaslighting: A Guide For Men

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Fri, 28 Feb 2025 05:21:44 GMT

5 Strategies For Setting Boundaries with a Gaslighter. A San Francisco Bay Area Therapist Shares His Perspective on How Men Can Fall Victim to Gaslighting.

When we think of gaslighting, we often imagine a man as the offender. But many men are also on the receiving end of the pernicious effects of gaslighting.

Gaslighting of men is a silent problem. Why? Because some men choose to endure the treatment in order to avoid conflict, either at work or in their personal relationships.

In this post, we'll look at gaslighting in a romantic relationship scenario, and in an employer-employee scenario. Then we’ll cover five strategies to men help thwart gaslighting behaviors and set better boundaries.

By the way, this post is not just for men. Gaslighting effects everybody, so these strategies can be applied in any kind of relationship.

Watch the Video

The Origins of Gaslighting

The term gaslighting comes from a movie called Gaslight, a 1944 thriller about a man who emotionally manipulates his wife by changing the brightness of the gas-fueled lights in the house. When his wife notices, he tells her she must be imagining things.

Nowadays, gaslighting is used to describe similar manipulative behaviors where someone tries to convince you that you’re wrong, even though by all rational standards you know you’re right.

The Psychological Dynamics of Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a bully-victim dynamic, with the gaslighter being the bully. The victim may tolerate the bullying in an effort to keep the peace, because ending the relationship has high-stakes consequences. Unfortunately, tolerance just enables more gaslighting, or worse, the victim begins to question their own sense of reality.

This dynamic is based on the gaslighter’s insecurity and need to establish dominance. The victim, on the other hand, feels the need to people-please and not upset the gaslighter.

Yes, it takes two to tango. The gaslighter is unwilling to admit wrongdoing, so it's up the victim to stop this dysfunctional dance. I don't like the word victim so I am going to use the word "gaslightee" instead.

So how can the gaslightee stop the gaslighting? Before we get to the strategies, let's first look at the traits of the gaslighter and gaslightee.

The Traits of a Gaslighter

Like most bullies, gaslighters are highly insecure. They may have a history of trauma, especially in childhood. Their parents or caregivers may have gaslighted them.

While we can have empathy for a gaslighter, it doesn’t mean we should tolerate their behavior. Tolerating gaslighting only perpetuates the problem.

Think of a gaslighter like an alcoholic. They are addicted to their behavior. Gaslighting is a way of coping with their deep-seated insecurity.

The first step in handling a gaslighter is to realize that it's not about you. It's about the gaslighter’s need to be right in order to protect their fragile ego.

Traits of a Gaslighting Victim (Gaslightee)

Gaslightees often have a high degree of empathy. And as mentioned earlier, we don't usually think of men as victims of gaslighting. After all, women are the sensitive ones, and men are logical and less empathetic, right?

While it's generally true that women score higher on empathy traits, men can also have a high degree of empathy, sometimes more than their female romantic partners. Therefore it's easy for a man to convince himself that the woman must be right, especially if he himself is being accused of lacking empathy.

Gaslightees often have people pleasing tendencies in a lot of their relationships. While there are merits to being nice to people, this trait is problematic when dealing with a gaslighter.

Gaslight ing in a Romantic Relationships: Tom and Gretchen

Gretchen is the jealous type. Her husband Tom is a partner in a law firm and works with a paralegal named Ellen. Tom is a loving and faithful husband and has no interest in Ellen but he walks on eggshells and never mentions Ellen’s name at home, for fear of incurring Gretchen's jealous wrath.

One Friday, after finishing a long day at work, Tom pulls into the driveway of his house. He parks the car and sits there for a minute, paralyzed, wondering what kind of mood Gretchen will be in.

Tom runs through several scenarios in his head. He rehearses how he'll respond if Gretchen is in a bad mood. He remembers what happened last week when he was five minutes late for dinner...

"You were fooling around with Ellen, weren't you?" Gretchen demanded.

Using a calm and reassuring tone, Tom replied, "Honey, I'm not interested in Ellen. I'm late because I was working on the Wagner case."

"You’re supposed to text me if you're going to be late for dinner. You're so inconsiderate!" Gretchen shouted.

Puzzled, Tom replied, "But we agreed that I didn't have to text you anymore."

"What are you talking about? You're imagining things. You can't even keep your thoughts straight!” Gretchen retorted.

To avoid things spiraling into an argument, Tom decides to agree. "I'm sorry, I'll try to be more considerate," For a minute, Tom questions himself. Was Gretchen right? Maybe his memory was slipping.

Tom is the classic example of a loving but conflict-avoidant husband. He hates arguing and feels bad seeing his wife upset so he tolerates her gaslighting.

Men like Tom will either push back and start setting boundaries, or continue to "consent and resent" and watch their marriage slowly fade away. In Tom's case, he never mustered the courage to push back. Eventually Gretchen filed for divorce, calling Tom an "emotionally unavailable and selfish husband."

Gaslighting in the Workplace Jack and Edgar

Jack is a lead software engineer at a large tech company. His boss, Edgar, is the cofounder. Edgar is charismatic and charming, but is known to have a temper.

During his first week on the job, Jack remembers Edgar publicly humiliating the company's highly competent CFO at an all-hands meeting. Edgar accused the CFO of being "spineless" and "a weak person." The next day the CFO sent out an email apologizing for his supposed character shortcomings.

Jack saw this incident as a red flag, but continued at the company because the pay was really good. Over the next few months, Jack got used to seeing Edgar’s temper tantrums directed at various employees.

Then it happened. Edgar berated Jack in front of his coworkers, accusing him of "poor engineering." Apparently, one of the company's clients had emailed Edgar with some suggestions for updating their software’s user interface.

Jack tried to explain to Edgar that the software was fine, that it was just a client offering feedback. This sent Edgar into a rage and he questioned Jack's credentials and demanded that Jack apologize to the client.

Instead of pushing back, Jack acquiesced and apologized to the client. As time went on, Jack began to doubt himself more and more. He took longer and longer to complete tasks, and frequently double checked and triple checked his work.

Jack's self doubt became a self-fulfilling prophecy, and eventually Edgar fired Jack for working too slow.

5 Strategies for Dealing with Gaslighting

In both of our scenarios, first with Tom and then with Jack, we see the avoidance of conflict. Why? Both Tom and Jack fear loss. Tom fears not being in a relationship, and Jack fears losing his job. But ironically their conflict avoidance led to the very thing they feared most.

Both Tom and Jack need to set better boundaries and stick up for themselves. Their gaslighters may even divorce or fire them for this, but at least Tom and Jack can find healthier relationships and not repeat the same dynamics.

Here are five strategies that can help Tom and Jack (and maybe you!) stand up to gaslighting and set the tone for a healthy relationship.

Strategy #1: Acknowledge the gaslighter’s opinion. Do not agree or disagree with them, simply reflect back what you heard. For example, Tom might say to Gretchen, "So you're worried that I was cheating on you." This changes the typical dynamic by reflecting the gaslighting's words back at them.

Strategy #2: Flip the script. Ask yourself if you would treat someone the same way the gaslighter is treating you. The answer will most likely be no. This a good sanity check for yourself.

Strategy #3: Firmly state your opinion back to the gaslighter. Don’t over explain or justify your view, simply declare it. For example, Jack might say to his boss, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I disagree."

Strategy #4: Stop or delay the conversation. Offer to talk about it later. If you’re met with resistance, you can literally leave the situation. This may be harder to do with your boss, but even in the workplace you can postpone the conversation. Few things in life are so urgent that they need to be hashed out on the spot.

Strategy #5: Check in with your friends. Tell them about the gaslighting and they will likely shed some "truth light" on the situation and encourage you to stand up for yourself. Remember your friends’ words the next time your gaslighter is trying to push your buttons.

When using any of these strategies keep in mind that the gaslighter will get frustrated and try even harder to manipulate you. They will likely try to bait you by insulting you or saying something to draw you back into the argument. Be strong and remember the five strategies.

Note: If the gaslighter is known to be violent or to threaten self-harm to get their way, talk to a therapist or a domestic violence shelter and develop a safety plan before using the five strategies.

Defeat Gaslighting with an Abundance Mindset

Ultimately, you have to be okay with the possibility of ending the relationship with the gaslighter. Losing your job or getting divorced is not the end of the world. Life is too short to be in an abusive relationship. There are plenty of jobs out there and plenty of potential romantic partners.

Know that the world is full of abundance and possibility. This mindset will help you be less reactive to gaslighting. Let the gaslighter or do their thing. Know that they are an adult, responsible for their own behavior. Your job is not to compensate for their insecurities.

In summary, it takes two to tango. Men, if you’re empathetic, it's an admirable trait. But remember, no one has to tolerate gaslighting. Try the five strategies, lean on your friends, and get professional help if you need it.

Note: apologies to anyone named Tom, Gretchen, Jack or Edgar! These are fictional characters in fictional scenarios.

Are you people pleaser? Check out my post, How to Finally Stop Being a People-Pleaser

3 Ways Entrepreneurs Can Beat Burnout

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Sat, 01 Feb 2025 18:49:15 GMT

Recharge your motivation, conquer anxiety, and reduce isolation so you can keep winning in your business.

Are you an entrepreneur or business owner? One of the most challenging problems you'll face (if you haven't already!) is burnout.

In this article, I'll show you three ways to keep burnout at bay and stay energized so you can continue to win your entrepreneurial game.

Watch the Video

Beating Burnout, Strategy #1: Recharge

"Yeah, I know" said George when his friend Dave told him he should take more breaks. George, like a lot of entrepreneurs, "knows" it's important to rest and recharge but he's is caught up in the grind mentality.

George has been working 14 hours a day for weeks now and he's showing the classic signs of burnout. He's obsessing over details, he's overly self-critical, and he has a negative attitude that's started to permeate into all areas of his life. What's more, he's stopped going the gym, and his health is suffering.

Does this sound like you? Do you "know" you should be taking more breaks, but you keep grinding anyway? If so, you're not alone.

Many entrepreneurs, business owners, and other driven individuals are afraid if they take their foot off the proverbial accelerator that their business will fail.

This is what I call "entrepreneurial myopia." Your drive to win actually obscures some of the better strategies for success. And one of the best strategies is to regularly recharge your (human) batteries.

You're more efficient when you're rested and recharged. You're not unlike a race car. And a race car needs pit stops to perform at it's best.

I suggest taking scheduled breaks during the day, to make sure you're recharged so you can perform at your best. Also make sure to schedule weekly, monthly, quarterly, and yearly breaks to stay fresh and stave off burnout.

You can also try time management strategies, like the Pomodoro Method , a powerful technique I just recently implemented in my own daily routine.

Beating Burnout, Strategy #2: Action Over Anxiety

After recharging, the second way to beat burnout is to take action whenever you feel anxiety.

From wondering if you'll land that big account, to worrying if you'll make payroll, entrepreneurs are so accustomed to stress that the lack of it can actually seem like something's wrong. That's right, your brain can actually associate anxiety with success. That's why a lot of entrepreneurs stay anxious and don't take action.

However, as anxiety builds, so does overwhelm and indecision, which leads to even more anxiety. Eventually, there's a breaking point where you can't take the stress anymore. You burnout.

Burnout can be temporary, or it can be permanent. If it's permanent, that means giving up on your business, and I don't want that to happen to you.

So instead of sitting and stewing in anxiety, take action.

Feeling doubtful about a major business decision? Call a colleague and get some advice. Got an underperforming employee? Talk with them today. Unsure how to respond to an email from a client? Type up a draft and save it.

The point here is to take some sort of action, however small. You see, anxiety is energy, and unless it's channeled into action, it stays in your body and causes stress. So train yourself to always take action. Do that, and you'll start feeling more motivation, energy, and creativity.

Check out my blog post, Action Cures Anxiety or learn more about my anxiety therapy services .

Beating Burnout, Strategy #3: Associate, Don't Isolate

Under stress, humans tend to get more primal, meaning the fight-flight-freeze instinct gets triggered, which can cloud your judgement, especially in high-stakes business decisions.

Another primal reaction to stress is isolation, akin to a wounded animal who retreats into a cave to lick its wounds.

While isolation serves an evolutionary purpose, it's one of the worst things you can do as an entrepreneur. Your proverbial wounds might simply be the embarrassment of not meeting your projected earnings. So you retreat into your "cave," determined to figure things out by yourself.

Don't do that! Instead, reach out to a friend, colleague, mentor, coach or therapist. Talk it out and get some perspective.

Reluctant to reach out? Think about it this way: if a friend called you asking for advice, would you turn them away? Probably not, right? You'd want to help. So reach out if you're struggling. People want to help you.

Associate, don't isolate. Associate with people who want to help you, then sometime in the future you can help them. That's a win-win!

The Best Strategy for Entrepreneurs: Keep on Winning

In summary, entrepreneurship is tough. But you're tougher. The key to winning in the business world is staying in the game and not quitting.

So try these three strategies: recharge, take action, associate. You'll keep burnout at bay, and stay motivated for the long term. For more strategies, c heck out my post 5 Self-Care Tips for Super Busy Professionals.

Interested in upping your entrepreneurial game with counseling? Check out my video 3 Reasons Why Entrepreneurs Can Benefit from Therapy .

You can also reach out and schedule your free phone consultation to discuss how counseling can help you reach your goals.

6 Essential Elements of Effective Psychotherapy

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Fri, 17 Jan 2025 01:55:30 GMT

Set yourself up for success by becoming an informed consumer on the process of therapy.

When finding a therapist, the San Francisco Bay Area offers a large variety of styles of psychotherapy, from psychodynamic to cognitive behavioral, to somatic… the list goes on.

Whatever style of therapy you choose, it's important to know what effective therapy looks like so you don't waste your time and money.

In this article, I outline what I believe are the six essential elements of effective psychotherapy. These are based on my experience as a cognitive behavioral therapist who specializes in men’s issues .

Wherever you are located, and whatever type of counseling style you decide on, I hope this article empowers you to be an informed consumer of psychotherapy.

Watch the Video

Finding a Therapist

While not technically an element of the counseling process, it's important to take the time to find the right therapist. This typically starts with an initial phone inquiry.

Before the phone call, make a list of questions you want to ask your prospective therapist. Don't be shy about asking questions, and talk to several therapists before deciding on who to hire. For more on selecting the right therapist, see my post, 5 Ways to Make the Most of Counseling.

It may take time to find the right therapist, but once you do, look for the following six essential elements to occur during the therapy process.

Element #1. The Assessment Phase of Psychotherapy

A proper assessment means gathering information on things like sleep, substance use, and basic mental health history. Without this overview, the therapist might miss the information necessary to map out a successful treatment plan.

It can be tempting for a therapist to skip the assessment phase and jump right into problem-solving mode. However, an experienced therapist knows that an assessment is necessary to see the big picture.

If your therapist doesn’t perform even a brief assessment, this could be a red flag. The assessment phase of therapy should happen during the very first therapy session, or least by the second session.

Element #2. Defining the Problem

After the assessment phase, you and the therapist define the problem you want to address. Sometimes the problem is obvious, and sometimes it is obscured. In any case, there should be an attempt to narrow down the problem to something definable and workable.

The problem might be specific, like arguments with your spouse, or the problem could be more symptom-based, like anxious worrying, feeling depressed, negative thinking, or perfectionism.

You should have a sense that your therapist was helpful in the problem defining process, meaning they listened to you carefully and provided guidance if necessary.

Element #3. Setting Goals for Therapy

It's essential to set goals for therapy as soon as possible, even if you're not sure exactly what your goals are. Remember, you can always adjust your goals for therapy as you go. They're not set in stone.

Why are goals important? Therapy without goals is like is going for a drive without a destination. It might be enjoyable but you don't arrive anywhere. Likewise, just sitting around talking to a therapist might make you feel good for a day or two, but ultimately you’re not creating any real change.

If your therapist has not defined any goals with you, this is a problem. Ask for goals.

Element #4. Measuring Behavioral Change

Once goals are defined, the work begins.

The work comes down to changing behaviors. While it’s all well and good to achieve insight, ultimately therapy is about creating sustained behavioral change, in the real world.

Change is not easy. If you’ve ever tried to start an exercise program and failed, you know how hard it is to change behavior.

The key to creating lasting change is to accept that your old behaviors may never completely go away. You’ll never be perfect. But that’s not the goal.

The goal is to catch yourself every time you fall into old patterns, then recommit to the new behavior. It’s like lifting weights: the more reps you do, the bigger the new muscles get. With persistence, the desired behavior becomes the new default.

If your therapist is not measuring your behavioral change, this is a problem. Request some sort of homework or behavioral experiments to try outside of therapy. This could be setting a boundary at work, validating your spouse’s feelings, or anything that pushes you to change in a positive way.

Tracking the progress toward your desired behavioral outcome makes it more likely your behaviors will change for good.

Element #5. Practicing New Skills

There's a big difference between talking conceptually about changing your behavior and actually changing your behavior. As mentioned previously, your therapist should give you some sort of homework or new skill to practice between sessions.

Ideally, new skills should first be practiced in the therapist's office (or virtually online). For example, your therapist could do a hypothetical role play where you practice listening and reflection skills. That way, you'll have had the entire experience of practicing the skill (conceptually, physically, and emotionally) before trying it out in real life.

You can also ask your therapist about strategies for sleeping better, ways to resist distractions, or how to be more decisive . Therapy isn't just about healing; you can also learn some practical tools.

Element #6. Graduating From Therapy

By graduating from therapy, I mean ending therapy at the right time. It shouldn't last forever, nor should it end too soon.

One of the biggest problems in therapy is when clients stop too soon. In fact, research shows that one in five clients drop out of therapy before they accomplish their goals.

While clients are at liberty to end therapy whenever they want, therapists are often remiss at providing enough education about when it's appropriate to terminate treatment.

Clients may think it's okay to end therapy "when I feel better" or "when I'm happy." Instead, therapists needs to help clients articulate something more along the lines of “when I have chosen my new, healthy behaviors over my old behaviors eighty percent of the time, for at least three months.”

As a therapist, I also encourage several "taper-off sessions" after goals are met, in order to ensure changes made in therapy are sustained. It's akin to tuning a piano. For more on this, read my blog post, You are a Piano: Understanding the Process of Change .

Conclusion

So, in summary, the six essential elements of effective psychotherapy are:

The Assessment Phase
Defining the Problem
Setting Goals for Therapy
Measuring Behavioral Change
Practicing New Skills
Graduating From Therapy

While there are other important elements beyond this list, in my experience these are the essential ones.

In short, effective psychotherapy is about clear expectations between the therapist and client. As a client, don’t assume the therapist will take the lead on setting expectations.

I like to tell clients that working with a therapist is not unlike a hiring a plumber or an electrician. You, as the consumer, have every right to ask plenty of questions.

Have questions about therapy? Reach out and schedule a free phone consultation today.

Trending Upward: Men's Mental Health & New Year's Resolutions

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Sat, 28 Dec 2024 22:19:54 GMT

Therapy for men is becoming a cool new resolution, as an increasing number of celebrities are endorsing counseling.

More men are resolving to try counseling as a way to boost their overall well-being. Michael Ceely is a San Francisco Bay Area therapist specializing in men's counseling. He shares his expertise with Ticker News in this interview about men's mental health trends.

Michael points out how stigma and barriers to therapy have reduced since 2020, thanks in part to celebrity endorsements of mental health services.

Watch the Interview About Men's Therapy Trends

Why Men Have Historically Been Reluctant to Seek Counseling

Historically, men have been reluctant to seek counseling due to societal expectations and stereotypes. Many men felt pressure to appear strong and self-reliant, viewing seeking help as a sign of weakness. This mindset often prevented men from addressing mental health concerns and seeking professional support.

Another factor has been the absence of high profile men endorsing therapy. Imagine John Wayne back in the day getting on camera and saying, "Real men go to counseling." Never would have happened!

Why the Trend Toward Men's Mental Health

In recent years, there has been a significant shift towards men prioritizing their mental health. This trend can be attributed to several factors:

Increased Awareness. There is growing awareness about the importance of mental health for overall well-being, leading more men to seek support.
Reduced Stigma. The stigma surrounding mental health and therapy has decreased, making it more acceptable for men to seek help.
Celebrity Influence. High-profile celebrities and athletes openly discussing their mental health struggles has helped normalize the conversation around therapy. Many celebrities are not only endorsing, but bragging about how therapy has helped them.

Athletes and Celebrities Are Reducing Mental Health Stigma

Celebrities like Michael Phelps have played a crucial role in reducing the stigma surrounding mental health, particularly for men. Phelps struggled with depression until he finally got some help from a therapist. Now, he is a huge advocate for men's mental health.

Other male celebrities who endorse therapy include NBA star Kevin Love, actors Jon Hamm and Robert Downey Jr., and superstar Brad Pitt, who said in a GQ interview , “I spent a lot of time avoiding feelings. And now I have no time left for that.”

By openly sharing their own experiences with therapy, these public figures have:

Raised Awareness. Used their platforms to bring attention to mental health issues.
Normalized Discussions. Made it more acceptable to talk about mental health challenges.
Inspired Others. Encouraged men to seek help by leading by example.

Why Men Are Adding Counseling to New Year's Resolutions

As the new year approaches, more men are including counseling in their resolutions. This trend reflects a growing understanding of the benefits of therapy and a desire for personal growth. Some reasons why men are prioritizing counseling include:

Stress Management. Learning effective techniques to cope with work and personal stress.
Relationship Improvement. Enhancing communication skills and emotional intelligence for better relationships.
Personal Growth. Working on self-improvement and achieving personal goals.
Mental Health Maintenance. Proactively addressing mental health to prevent future issues.

Thinking about new year's resolutions? Read more here: New Year's Resolutions? Get Accountable, Get S.M.A.R.T.

On the Fence About Therapy? Here's Why You Should Try It

If you're still unsure about trying therapy, consider these compelling reasons and give it a chance:

Professional Guidance. A t herapist provides strategies tailored to your specific needs.
Safe Space. Therapy offers a confidential environment to express yourself without judgment.
Skill Development. Learn valuable coping mechanisms and communication skills that can benefit all areas of your life.
Personal Growth. Gain self-awareness and work towards becoming the best version of yourself.

Want some guidance on how to start therapy? Check my blog post 5 Ways to Make the Most of Counseling

Resources for Men's Mental Health

If you are interested in exploring mental health resources* here are some valuable options:

Directory of California-based therapists specializing in men's issues: Men's Therapy Directory
Apps for stress management, meditation, and mood tracking: Calm, Headspace, Insight Timer
Podcasts that address men's mental health and personal development: Rich Roll Podcast Andrew Huberman Podcast Michael Ceely’s High Performance Podcast

*I am not officially endorsing any of these resources, but I just personally like them!

Conclusion: Embracing Mental Health for a Better Future

The growing trend of men prioritizing their mental health and seeking counseling is a positive step towards a healthier, more balanced society. By breaking down stigmas and openly discussing mental health, we create an environment where everyone feels supported in their journey towards well-being.

As you move into the new year, consider making your mental health a priority. Whether it's through counseling, self-care practices, or simply being more open about your feelings, taking care of your mental well-being is a resolution that can positively impact every aspect of your life.

Like this blog post? Check out my interview with Samantha Ruth about men's mental mental health.

Learn more about therapy for men on my website.

How to Beat the Post-Holiday Blues

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Fri, 20 Dec 2024 21:13:09 GMT

Use these five strategies to get back into the groove after the holidays.

Got a case of the post-holiday blues? Hey, join the club!

The post-holiday blues happen because of a feeling of loss. After all those parties, travel, and social stimulation, it's natural to feel let down. It's a feeling of "back to reality."

If you're stuck in the post-holiday blues, I have five strategies to get you back on track and start feeling better.

Watch the Video: How to Beat the Post-Holiday Blues

Some Signs of the Post-Holiday Blues

Feeling sad
Feeling lonely
Feeling grumpy
Low motivation
Sleeping more, or sleeping less
Changes in appetite
Wanting some alone time
Re-reading holiday cards
Keeping your holiday decorations up a little too long

These are just some of the signs of the post-holiday blues. You might notice that they are similar to depression symptoms. But the difference here is that the post-holiday blues are shorter in duration and feel less intense than depression.

Here are few more signs of the post-holiday blues. For example, you might be savoring some of your holiday memories a bit too long and avoiding some things you need to do. Or maybe you had an argument with one of your family members and you’re still ruminating on it.

In short, you’re just not feeling like yourself.

Is it the Blues or Depression?

Because the post-holiday blues are similar to depression symptoms, it is important to point out that if you're feeling down for more than about two weeks, it could indicate that you're slipping into a depression, and you should reach out for some help. That could mean talking to a friend, or talking to a licensed therapist.

Strategies to Defeat the Post-Holiday Blues

Here are five strategies to shake off those blues and get back on track.

1. Exercise. There is no better way to shake off that curmudgeonly attitude than to exercise. It's funny how exercising works: you don't want to do it, but after you do it, you feel much better. Exercising doesn't have to be a big deal, you can just go outside and do a thirty-minute walk. You'll be glad you did.

For more about exercise and mental health, check out my post on morning exercise .

2. Socialize. When you're feeling down, sometimes the last thing you want to do is see other people. But you can snap yourself into a happier state by forcing yourself to socialize. That's right, hang out with people even though you don't want to. Similar to exercising, afterwards you'll feel better.

Research suggests that socializing stimulates the release of feel-good hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins. This can be a potent, natural cocktail to cure your blues.

3. Diet and Hydration. If you indulged a little bit too much during the holidays, you might be dehydrated, bloated, or feeling sluggish from food and alcohol. Go out and buy yourself some fruits and vegetables and eat light and healthy for a few days while drinking plenty of water.

A clean body means a clean mind, and a better attitude. More on how hydration improves mental health.

4. Pamper Yourself. When was the last time you sat in a hot tub, sauna, or had a massage? This kind of self-care can work wonders on your mood. It might be just what the doctor ordered.

5. Clean Your House. Channeling some of that grumpy energy into a productive task can give you a sense of accomplishment. Try super-cleaning your house or your apartment. Buy some cleaning supplies and go to town.

Your sparkling countertops and windexed windows might just brighten up your mood. In fact, studies suggest that cleaning is associated with improved mental health.

Getting Back Into the Groove

I was inspired to write this post because I was experiencing a case of the post-holiday blues. That's right, a therapist who is supposed to have his act together was feeling down. Blasphemy! I was noticing that I was sleeping a lot, and my motivation was low, so I figured others might be feeling the same way.

So let those holiday memories fade away and embrace the New Year. Kickstart yourself back into the groove by using the strategies I mentioned. You'll be glad you did!

Learn more how my style of therapy - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy - addresses the post-holiday blues, and other common issues. Or reach out and schedule a free phone consultation .

3 Strategies to Reduce Family Stress During the Holidays

Mon, 25 Nov 2024 06:01:45 GMT

Use acceptance, boundaries and empathy to have a better holiday.

Do you dread holidays with your family?

If so, it's likely due to a "difficult" family member. Maybe it's that cousin who talks about politics, or that uncle who drinks too much.

Whatever the challenge, family gatherings can be stressful. But this year doesn't have to be that way.

Holidays with your family CAN be better. Here are three strategies that can help.

Watch the Video: Reduce Family Stress During the Holidays

1. Acceptance

The first strategy is acceptance. This doesn't mean you endorse your relatives' bad behavior.

It means being realistic and accepting that some of your relatives will probably misbehave during the holidays. If it happened before, it will likely happen again. Plan on it.

Hoping that certain family members will change creates expectations and tension. It's like wishing you didn't have to do your taxes. You just create more stress for yourself.

Read more about the power of acceptance on my blog post, How Acceptance Gives You Better Choices.

2. Boundaries

Setting boundaries is the next strategy. Plan ahead of time how you might respond to a difficult family member.

Maybe you and your immediate family can agree to all respond in the same way. Figure out how not take the bait. This could be as simple as changing the subject, or appointing someone to be the spokesperson while others bite their tongue.

Also consider an escape plan. For example, you could have a spare hotel room reserved, or you might limit family members’ access to your home if you're the one hosting the holiday dinner. Have an out. It's okay to take care of yourself.

3. Empathy

The third strategy is empathy. Just like acceptance, empathy does not mean you tolerate people's bad behavior.

Empathy can be used to soften the blow. When a family member drinks too much, or says something inappropriate, know that their behavior may be coming from a place of pain.

Instead of taking it personally, notice how they are unable to control themselves. Notice not in a contemptuous way, but rather as an observer. Be curious. What might cause someone to act that way? Maybe your relative’s behavior is masking some emotional pain.

Again, you're not excusing their behavior, you're simply not taking the bait. You're letting them be themselves, and not reacting.

Conclusion

Remember, no family is perfect, and every family has issues. It's also rare that all family members get along with each other all the time. So set your expectations accordingly.

Also remember that the holidays are a time of higher stress just in general. And when stress is higher, people can be stress-full. You don't need to excuse someone's bad behavior, but understand that they may be a little extra stressed.

Family holiday gatherings can also bring out those people-pleasing behaviors that some of us have. If this sounds like you, read my blog post on how to stop people-pleasing.

By focusing on the three key strategies - acceptance, boundaries, and empathy - you can have a more enjoyable (or at least tolerable!) holiday season with your family.

Transforming Fog into Clarity: A Leadership Journey

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Mon, 21 Oct 2024 20:15:43 GMT

How a top leadership expert uses "the power of the pause" to help people turn confusion to clarity.

Recently, I had Brenda K. Reynolds on my High Performance Podcast .

Brenda is a powerhouse in leadership consulting, an accomplished author, and an inspiring speaker who has dedicated her career to helping others navigate turbulent times with clarity and confidence.

With her company, BKR Consulting , she has developed a reputation for transforming complex situations into better outcomes, particularly during periods of change.

Her personal journey is as compelling as her professional one, marked by resilience gained from navigating life's challenges, including the tumultuous economic crisis of 2008.

A best-selling author and TEDx speaker, Brenda works with companies and individuals seeking to lead with purpose.

In this article, we delve into Brenda's powerful acronym "FROGS," which outlines the transformative process of change, and explore her insights on “the power of the pause.”

Watch the Interview

The Turning Point: 2008 and the Birth of a New Philosophy

In 2008, Brenda faced a significant life upheaval as the economy faltered. This period was not just financially devastating; it was a time when every aspect of her life seemed to change simultaneously.

Brenda found herself unexpectedly navigating a divorce, becoming a single mother to two young boys, and grappling with the loss of her consulting practice. The financial crisis had a ripple effect that made it difficult for consultants like her to find stable work.

During this challenging time, Brenda walked into her attorney's office, where a seemingly innocuous comment would plant the seed for her future philosophy. Her attorney advised her, “Whatever you do, when you get back into the dating world, don’t come in here talking about some new guy until you’ve kissed at least five frogs.” This comment lingered in Brenda's mind, eventually becoming the catalyst for her first book.

When she began dating again, she playfully counted her experiences as "frog one," "frog two," and so on. Curiously, she started encountering symbolic representations of frogs in her life. Then she had dream about a frog which prompted her to explore the meaning of this amphibious creature.

The FROGS Acronym: A Framework for Transformation

Brenda's exploration of frogs culminated in the creation of an acronym that serves as a roadmap for navigating change: FROGS. Each letter represents a crucial stage in the process of transformation:

F - Freaking Out: This initial stage is characterized by feelings of panic and disorientation. It’s a natural human response to sudden changes or challenges, where emotions can run high and clarity seems elusive.
R - Reflecting & Responsibility: After the initial shock, individuals begin to reflect on their circumstances and take responsibility for their part in the situation. This stage involves introspection and recognizing the need for change.
O - Overcoming Obstacles: As one starts to process their feelings, they begin to tackle the obstacles that stand in their way, whether they are external challenges or internal fears.
G - Growing: This is the stage where individuals start to see growth through adversity. They learn valuable lessons and develop resilience as they move forward.
S - Sovereign Self: Ultimately, the person emerges as a stronger, more empowered version of themselves, ready to serve others and share their experiences.

Check out Brenda's book, 5 Frogs Transformation Journal

The Power of the Pause

One of the recurring themes in Brenda's philosophy is the "power of the pause." In our fast-paced world, there is often pressure to act quickly, especially in times of crisis. However, Brenda emphasizes that taking a moment to pause can lead to more thoughtful and impactful decisions.

Brenda reflects on her own experience during the 2008 economic downturn, recognizing that the forced pause she faced allowed her to develop new skills and perspectives. She describes how unique circumstances in a corporate setting helped her rediscover her purpose and prepare for her return to consulting.

In the context of leadership, Brenda notes that executives often rush to make decisions without fully considering the implications for their teams. By taking the time to pause, leaders can create a more inclusive environment where everyone's voice is heard, ultimately leading to better outcomes for the organization as a whole.

Stressed out in your role as an executive or entrepreneur? Check out my post, 3 Ways Entrepreneurs Can Beat Burnout

Transition Fog: Navigating Uncertainty

Brenda's metaphor of "transition fog" is particularly interesting. She describes it as a state of uncertainty that often accompanies significant life changes. Just like driving through thick fog, individuals may struggle to see the road ahead.

Brenda encourages people to view this fog not as a hindrance but as an opportunity for growth. She emphasizes that during times of uncertainty, it is essential to trust that the path will reveal itself in due time.

By allowing yourself to sit in the discomfort of the fog, you can often discover new possibilities and insights that would have otherwise remained hidden.

Real-World Applications: From Personal to Professional

Brenda's insights have practical applications in both personal and professional contexts.

For example, as a single mom, Brenda encountered challenges managing her child’s transition to kindergarten. Initially overwhelmed, Brenda found a solution through a serendipitous conversation that emerged from her willingness to pause and engage with others.

In the corporate world, Brenda works with organizations facing significant changes, such as layoffs or restructuring. She helps leaders understand the importance of pausing to consider the emotional impact these decisions have on employees.

By encouraging open communication and allowing team members to process their feelings, companies can navigate transitions more effectively and maintain a positive organizational culture.

Conclusion: Embracing Change with Clarity and Confidence

Brenda embodies the spirit of resilience and adaptability. Through her experiences and insights, she teaches us that change, while daunting, can lead to profound personal and professional growth.

By embracing the power of the pause and navigating through the fog of uncertainty, individuals can emerge stronger and more empowered.

As we encounter our own moments of transition, whether in our personal lives or in our careers, we can draw inspiration from Brenda's journey and her FROGS framework. Remember, it’s through the challenges that we truly grow, and with each “frog” we encounter, we have the opportunity to transform our lives in meaningful ways.

For more insights and to connect with Brenda, be sure to check out her Instagram and her TEDx talk available on YouTube .

Brenda’s journey is a testament to the power of resilience, and her work continues to inspire many to turn their own fog into clarity.

Mastering Your Brain for Greater Personal Development

Sun, 26 May 2024 00:26:24 GMT

Self-awareness is essential to personal development. Learn why your brain doesn't like change and what you can do about it.

The Human Brain and Metacognition

The amazing thing about us humans is that we are able to engage in metacognition (thinking about our own thinking), which gives us this thing called will power.

Volition or will is what separates us from other animals. We can actually notice our instinctive, reactive thoughts and will ourselves to change our own thinking!

This is an incredible potential that we possess. I say potential because unless we take action on an insight or inspiration, it stays just a wish. We need to follow through.

But here’s the thing. Change can be hard. Especially if you’re trying to change an old habit.

Established habits, even bad ones, become so much a part of our routine that changing them triggers discomfort and fear, even if intellectually we know the change is good. Weird, huh?

Your Primal Brain Wants to Protect You

You see, our brains and our bodies are very much like those of our animal cousins in the wild. Routines can be totally dysfunctional as long as, at the end of the day, they keep us alive.

They work “good enough” so there is no evolutionary incentive to change them. They become automatic. Changing any routine that “works” sends a signal to our brain that something is off. This triggers fear, and the fear creates the barrier to real, sustained change.

So you see, wanting to change is not good enough. Your primal brain and body will kick in like a thermostat and subconsciously tempt you to maintain the status quo. It’s not their fault, they’re merely trying to protect you.

Change Your State to Change Your Habits

To override your primal brain and body, you can say, “thanks for trying to protect me, but I’m going to change anyway.”

They’ll protest in the most subtle ways. That morning run you planned? Watch the rationalization that pops into your head: “I’ll do it tomorrow.” That plan you had to watch less Netflix? “Just this one episode, I need to relax.”

Funny thing happens though when you ignore the temptations and just follow through anyway. After ten minutes you forget about the temptation. Your state changes: you’re out running, enjoying the morning air, or you’re writing that essay or report and actually starting to get into it.

THIS IS THE KEY: remind yourself that your state will change.

Your temptation to be lazy and not follow through is TEMPORARY, so just take action on your goal and the laziness will fade.

Soon you will start getting good at following through with your new habits. You are literally retraining your primal subconscious mind-body mechanisms. You are telling them that your new habit is not going to kill you. You are telling them that change is actually good.

What happens next is you start to get addicted (in a good way, through natural hormones and neurotransmitters) to your new healthy habits. The old dysfunctional habits start to actually feel bad.

Short-Circuit Your Old Habits

But be careful! If you have a particularly stressful day, your old habits (that were once so addicting) will tempt you. After all, they “worked” so well for so long to soothe you.

You’re still in charge though! Instead of buying that pack of cigarettes, drinking too much, or spending an hour on Facebook, you can intervene on yourself.

Yes, that’s right, you can short-circuit temptation by taking IMMEDIATE action. Instead of defaulting to negative habits, do something different. Call a friend, buy a big bottle of tasty mineral water, or go directly to the gym.

Remember, YOUR STATE WILL CHANGE once you physically put yourself in a healthy situation. You’ll forget about the old bad habit.

Keep intervening on yourself. Tell your friends what your new goals and habits are. Enlist them. Ask them if you can text them when you are tempted to get off track. Create accountability.

Eventually, your new habits and goals will become routine.

Your Mission Statement: A Deeper Motivation for Business Owners

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Fri, 26 Apr 2024 22:38:21 GMT

When times are tough, business owners and entrepreneurs need an emotional anchor to weather the storm. Writing a mission statement can help.

If you're a business owner or entrepreneur, you know how hard it is. You can hit barriers, be frustrated, and at times even feel like quitting. It's a tough job, but you chose it for a reason, right?

You chose to start your business because you were passionate about your particular product or service. You took the risk to work for yourself.

Sometimes though, you wonder if the risk is worth it. When you're feeling like this, you need to tap into a deeper motivation to push you through the tough times.

Watch the Video

An Emotional Anchor for Your Business

So I'm going to give you the number one strategy that's going to help you move forward in your business.

It's not getting a business loan. It’s not getting more reviews on Google. It's not changing your marketing strategy. All those things are important, but the number one thing that's going to help your business is writing a mission statement.

Okay, you probably weren't expecting me to say that, but it's really true. Just like boats use an anchor to weather a storm, so too can you use a mission statement to keep you anchored emotionally during tough times.

Even if your business is strong right now, a mission statement can help. It can remind you of what’s important, so you don't drift in the wrong direction.

Your Mission is Bigger Than You

When business challenges arise, it’s easy to think of worst-case scenarios. Typically those scenarios involve you and/or your employees. You worry about going bankrupt, or laying people off. The stress is centered on you, or those close to you.

A mission statement redirects your energy to the deeper reason why you started your business in the first place. It's a reminder that your business provides a product or service that helps people. You are making people's lives better.

So the mission statement keeps you emotionally anchored to a positive outcome, to the passion that inspired you to create your business in the first place.

Feeling burned out in your business? Read my post 3 Ways Entrepreneurs Can Beat Burnout

How to Write Your Business's Mission Statement

Okay, let's talk about how to write your mission statement. First, start by focusing on your ideal customer. What does your ideal customer want?

Next, envision how this customer feels after they enjoy your product or service. They're happy. They spread the good news to their friends and family. Their friends and family in turn recommend your business to even more people.

This is what's called the ripple effect. Your business literally ripples positivity throughout your community, and beyond. In fact, your business, the longer it’s around, impacts so many people that it ultimately makes the world a better place.

Okay, here is the template for your mission statement: My mission is to serve/provide [what my ideal customer likes] and it will benefit the world because...

Use this template to make several drafts of your mission statement. Right freely and quickly, stream of consciousness, and see what comes out.

When you have something that resonates with you, print it out on some nice paper, then frame it. That's right, frame it like a diploma and mount it on your wall where you can see it everyday.

An Example of a Mission Statement

Having trouble writing your mission statement? Let's start with an example of what your ideal customer wants. Pretend you are a restaurant owner, and I am your customer.

That's right, I love good restaurants! I love the entire experience: fresh ingredients, fantastic service, and ambience. And I like to bring my friends to good restaurants.

If I have an amazing experience in your restaurant, I am very happy, and so are my friends. We brag about your restaurant, tell our friends and family to go there, and soon your restaurant is packed full of happy customers. These happy customers then create a positive ripple effect, as I mentioned earlier.

So, applying the template, you, the business owner might write, "My mission is to provide the best ingredients, the best service, and the best ambience, and it will benefit the world because a fine dining experience is one of the greatest human pleasures. My restaurant creates happiness in the world."

Whatever kind of business you have, your mission statement should inspire you. In fact, it should inspire you almost in a spiritual way. Shoot for writing something that gives you goosebumps.

Here are some more strategies for writing a mission statement from business.com

Make Your Mission Your Duty

A mission statement reframes your business as your duty, instead of a personal endeavor. Duty has a different resonance. It is a "must" instead of a want.

You might be asking, "Hey wait a minute, this mission statement thing is actually adding more pressure!" Well, you're right. But it puts pressure in a different area. It puts it outside of you.

You see, when you're beholden to something beyond yourself, you're more likely to persevere. It might be easy to let yourself down, but to let down your customers, your community, the world? You're left with no other choice but to make your business successful.

Conclusion

So, write that mission statement! It's really going to help you. You may not buy into it at first, but if you keep looking at it every day, it'll start resonating with you, and you'll make more and more empowering decisions for your business.

By the way, you don't have to be a business owner to benefit from a mission statement. You can make your own personal mission statement for your career, for a sport you play, or for your family. Go for it!

Are you a business owner who is considering counseling? Check out my video 3 Reasons Why Entrepreneurs Can Benefit from Therapy.

Or reach out and schedule a free phone consultation today.

The Pros and Cons of Insurance vs Private Pay for Psychotherapy

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Tue, 20 Feb 2024 18:39:50 GMT

Here are some things to consider when deciding between private pay and insurance.

So you’ve decided to invest in some counseling. In searching for a therapist, you might wonder where to start. A quick Google search yields a vast array of options: sponsored ads for therapy directories, numerous local therapists, and different wellness services.

While investigating these options, you find several that resonate with you but they don’t accept your insurance plan, or they’re private pay only.

So you contact your insurance provider and they give you a list of available therapists. After calling around, you discover many of them are full and not accepting new clients.

If you've ever experienced this frustrating scenario, you're not alone. This post outlines the pros and cons of using insurance vs private pay for psychotherapy.

While not an exhaustive pro-con list, the aim of this article is to help you, the consumer, make an informed choice.

The Benefits of Using Insurance for Psychotherapy

Lower Cost. This is clearly the primary reason for using insurance. Private-pay rates are significantly higher than paying with insurance. However, keep in mind that insurance plans vary on copays and out-of-pocket amounts.
A Vetted List of Therapists. Insurance companies have criteria for accepting therapists onto their panels. This can include requirements such as having practiced a certain amount of years or using evidence-based modes of treatment.
Therapists Familiar with Insurance. An insurance-based therapist may be able to help you navigate the complexities of your plan and provide some guidance around diagnoses and payment policies.
Customer Service. The quality of customer service among insurance plans varies. If it’s good, you’ll have an agent who can answer questions about your mental health coverage and the reach of your provider network.

The Cons of Using Insurance for Psychotherapy

Less Privacy. Your therapy records may be subject to audits by your insurance company who could view your treatment plan and diagnosis. Also, some companies encourage or even require their therapists to keep session notes online (on the insurance company’s private and secure portal).
Required Diagnosis. Clinicians are often required to provide a mental health diagnosis to justify the necessity of the treatment. This diagnosis becomes part of your insurance record and could potentially influence future coverage or premiums. Additionally, there are some employers that ask potential hires to disclose any diagnoses, and may reject applicants who have a documented mental health condition.
Busy Therapists. Because of fixed pay rates and admin tasks, therapists whose businesses are based on insurance often see clients back-to-back in order to make ends meet. This doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get a burned out therapist, but it’s something to keep in mind.
Not Accepting New Clients. Depending on the insurance company’s current pool of active therapists, there may potentially be a waitlist for new clients.

The Benefits of Using Private Pay for Psychotherapy

Insurance Reimbursement. Clients may be able to have private, out-of-network therapy sessions reimbursed by their insurance. The portion or percentage of reimbursement varies by insurance company, so it’s best to call your insurance to find out the details.
More Privacy. As mentioned earlier, there are more privacy advantages by not using insurance. Additionally, a diagnosis is not required.
Specialization and Niche. Private pay therapists may have an established niche in the market and only specialize in specific areas. For example, they may only work with women, or specialize in OCD, which means you’re likely to benefit from their specific experience and knowledge.
ROI. That's right, return on investment. Instead of focusing solely on price, consider the long-term benefits of therapy. Not just feeling better, but doing better, in your relationships, career, and other areas of your life. It's hard to put a price on that. Bottom line: find a good-fit therapist, whether it be private pay or insurance.

The Cons of Using Private Pay for Psychotherapy

Higher Cost. With private pay, you cover the full cost, and, as mentioned previously, insurance may partially reimburse you. As with any service, be it therapy, legal services, or plumbing, you have to weigh the cost vs benefit.
No Insurance Oversight. While private pay can offer more privacy, therapists who take insurance are required to create treatment plans and keep good records, which encourages a baseline standard of care.
Diagnosis Not Required. Insurance-based therapy typically requires a diagnosis, which can encourage therapists to examine a client’s symptoms more carefully, in order to give the most accurate diagnosis. However this is not to say that private pay therapists don’t consider symptoms, it’s just worth mentioning how requirements may or may not impact quality of care.

Conclusion

As a therapist who’s also been a client, I’ve had an excellent therapist who took insurance and an excellent therapist who didn’t. When I saw the insurance-based therapist, I was in my early twenties, and I didn’t even know that private pay therapy existed.

When I was in grad school studying counseling, I chose to see a private pay therapist who came highly recommended, because of his particular niche. I justified paying out-of-pocket because it was a great fit and I clicked with him.

Whether you use insurance or private pay, choose fit over price. If you don’t click with your therapist, you’re less likely to solve your problems and reduce symptoms. Many studies suggest that the therapeutic relationship is the number one factor for clients achieving positive outcomes.

Full disclosure, I take private pay and not insurance. After considering the pros and cons for therapists (that’s a whole other blog post!) I opted not to contract with insurance companies in my practice.

I tried to make this post as objective as possible in the hope that you, the potential therapy client, can decide what works best for you.

For more on choosing a therapist, see my blog post 5 Ways to Make the Most of Counseling.

Or reach out and schedule a free phone consultation today.

Self-Care is Simpler Than You Think

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Thu, 15 Jun 2023 23:13:22 GMT

5 Easy Self-Care Habits You Can Adopt for a Healthy Lifestyle

It seems lately that self-care has become overly complicated. A warm bath or a simple walk around the block no longer qualifies.

The definition of self-care has shifted toward luxury spas, expensive travel, and even retail therapy. This reimagining of self-care is thanks in part to advertisers and social media doing their usual thing: commoditizing everything.

As a result, self-care has been twisted into a sort of privileged practice accessible to only a few, while others are too bogged down in their daily lives to practice that "perfect self-care routine."

In reality, self-care is about making a few simple changes to your lifestyle that can help you feel better on a consistent basis. Nothing fancy about that.

Anybody can practice self-care by adopting a few habits that require very little time, money or planning.

Self-Care, Defined

In simple terms, self-care is about prioritizing yourself by taking time for your emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Many of us spend our time and energy caring for others while neglecting ourselves, leading to burnout, low energy, and poor health.

Self-care, simply put, involves activities to improve our overall quality of life. These activities can range from physical, such as exercise, to spiritual, like meditation. Since every individual is different, self-care can take varied forms. But it doesn’t have to be complicated.

A major misconception about self-care is the thinking that it is a practice separate from daily routine. While some self-care activities might require you to take time out, there are plenty of positive habits you can incorporate into your daily lifestyle.

Self-care is not about elaborate rituals; it only requires a few small changes to help you grow and flourish. Here are five positive habits anyone can adopt, starting today...

Self-Care Habit #1. Hydration, Nutrition and Sleep

The human body is interconnected. If you are not giving it adequate fuel and sleep, it is bound to affect your mental and physical health. Providing your body with the necessary nutrition and hydration is a fundamental part of self-care, but is often ignored by many people.

Our dietary habits have changed through time and now processed foods make up most of our diets. Processed foods are chock full of carbs, which make us lethargic and leads to weight gain. These processed foods also mean that we deprive our bodies of other essential nutrients.

A balanced diet consisting of organic food and an adequate amount of water can do wonders for a person’s physical and mental health. It is the starting point for those who want to embark on a journey of self-care.

Self-Care Habit #2. Exercise

Exercise is necessary for your physical health but its effects on mental health are unbeatable. Regular exercise helps the body release endorphins and serotonin, both of which are essential for keeping anxiety and depression at bay. Exercising in a gym or a local park can also lead to making new social connections.

Everyone’s body and health are different, so it’s up to you to choose the form of exercise that best suits you. This can range from relaxing stretches to lifting heavy weights. You don’t need to push yourself beyond your physical limits to get the benefits of exercise. And you don’t need to be perfect. Fifteen minutes in the gym is better than zero minutes.

Self-Care Habit #3. Block Social Media Toxicity

Limiting your social media exposure or avoiding it for periods of time is a great form of self-care.

All the hours spent on social media can eat into your self-esteem and train your brain to generate negative thoughts. Worse, excessive social media use can lead to a condition called comparison syndrome.

Try limiting your social media time to certain hours of the day, and be disciplined about it.

Want to learn strategies on how to break your social media addiction? Check out my post, Reclaim Your Time with a Digital Detox.

Self-Care Habit #4. Find Your People and Keep Them

One of the most important parts of self-care is surrounding yourself with the right people. Self-care is not just about “me time.” Humans are wired for nurturing social connections. Find individuals who help you grow as a person and make meaningful connections with them.

To achieve this, you need to seek out venues of social interaction. Join a gym, a cycling club, a hiking group, or anything that forces you to leave the house and mingle. While this is easier said than done, it will be worth the effort.

Self-Care Habit #5. Gratitude Journaling

Gratitude journaling is a powerful self-care practice that involves reflecting on and writing down the things you are thankful for in your life. This form of journaling can have a profound impact on your mental and emotional well-being by shifting your focus from what is lacking in your life to what you already have.

In fact, research suggests that the emotion of gratitude has healing effects.

By cultivating a regular gratitude practice, you can experience increased levels of happiness, reduced stress and anxiety, and improved relationships with others. Taking the time to intentionally focus on the positive aspects of your life can help you develop a more positive outlook and increase your overall sense of well-being.

Learn more about gratitude journaling in my post, Your New Morning Routine for Success.

Final Thoughts on Self-Care

In summary, self-care is simple. It doesn't have to be complicated, expensive or meticulously planned out. You don't have to have the perfect workout, or dedicate tons of time.

Ultimately, self-care is a form of self-love and incorporating healthy habits into your daily life keeps you being the best version of yourself.

Want some more ideas on how you can easily incorporate self-care into your busy life? Check out my post, 5 Self-Care Tips for Super Busy Professionals.

Counseling can also help you incorporate self-care habits. Feel free to contact me. Reach out and schedule your free phone consultation today.

Reframing Depression as a Growth Opportunity

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Sat, 18 Mar 2023 23:36:11 GMT

A Conversion with Two Members of Men's Therapy Directory

In addition to my therapy practice, I am also the founder of Men's Therapy Directory (MTD) in the San Francisco Bay Area. It's great resource for men seeking therapy.

A while back, I had a great conversation with one of MTD's members, Yakov Barton , about his philosophy on depression and how it can be leveraged as an opportunity for growth. The following are some highlights from our interview.

Watch the Interview

Barriers & Readiness for Therapy

Michael Ceely: My guest is Dr. Yakov Barton, a licensed psychologist, speaker and instructor in the San Francisco Bay Area. Dr. Barton's research examines the potential for psychological turmoil to catalyze personal growth and transformation. Dr. Barton, welcome to the podcast.

Yakov Barton: So good to be here. Thank you, Michael.

Michael Ceely: What do you think are some of the barriers for men in seeking help and getting into therapy?

Yakov Barton: The barriers are stigma around men expressing themselves and being vulnerable. In our culture, men are not raised talking about emotion or feelings. It's not modeled to them by their male role models, and it's very much intergenerational.

Michael Ceely: What are typically some of the issues that men bring to therapy?

Yakov Barton: A lot of men tend to be at a point where things have gotten so bad that they're finally willing to consider therapy. Things have just gotten so uprooted and there's been so much upheaval in their lives that there's a certain level of fear and desperation. Often that's a really good time to get traction because their denial is being melted. There's a readiness for change.

Learn more about denial in my post 4 Types of Denial and the 3-Step Method to Defeat Them

Michael Ceely: So sometimes people will just be ripe for therapy. They're at that point where they have to change. It's like, I need to, I'm ready.

Yakov Barton: And that's really the only way to benefit from therapy, with that level of readiness. Ideally, I don't want to see people progressing that far and suffering so much before they get support. There's a part of me that's really excited in those moments because it's almost like this kind of ripe fruit, ready to be picked… taking steps towards effective therapy.

Digging into Depression

Michael Ceely: Definitely. When you were at Columbia, you were teaching positive psychology and this notion of developmental depression. Could you expound on that notion of developmental depression?

Yakov Barton: This is a topic that's really exciting to me and I think it relates to what we're already talking about, the readiness for change.

We have a history of pathologizing mental health symptoms and viewing them as almost the way we would a tumor or something that needs to be removed, and not really looking at those symptoms in the developmental process.

We also live in an American culture: quick fixes, easy button presses, make it go away. We have a very similar mentality around depression.

What my research found was… we were particularly interested in emerging-age adults because there's so much transition and upheaval. There’s a depressed period during that age group. So our question was, well, if depression is so ubiquitous in this age group and there's so much transition happening, is depression sometimes normative?

It looks like (for) most people, especially during that age group, depression is normative. So we coined this term developmental depression. When there are periods of major life transition or upheaval, depression is pretty normal and it might even be a mechanism through which change happens.

There's this depressive realism where our direction of consciousness and awareness is directed inward. The hypothesis there is that this depressive realism can actually give us clarity into what's not working or what needs changing, or how we're growing.

Michael Ceely: Right. So to kind of reframe a lot of depression as developmental in nature as opposed to immediately pathologizing and medicating it.

Yakov Barton: Yeah. Viewing it as a potential growth tool, and maybe even something that if we medicated and anesthetized it, could be robbing a person with low grade depression of the growth potential of that state of mood.

An Avid Disruptor

Michael Ceely: I think there was a time period in my life when there was some depression, even diagnosable, and I mean, I actually don't know any male friends who didn't go through a phase like that either during college or post-college.

So if someone comes to see you for depressive symptoms, but they're “high functioning” and they're holding it all together, but they're miserable… how can you help someone like that?

Yakov Barton: My first thought is really not trying to rush things along. You know, slowing down and just really seeing where the person's at and being particularly curious with what's brought them to therapy. See if I can understand or be trusted by this person to open up in a little bit more of a vulnerable way.

There's such interesting power dynamics that can be pretty invisible between clinician and client. And I try to be really wary of those and early on build a dynamic of being on the same team of like, we're exploring this together and I'm not in the role of wise guide or guru, or expert that's up on this high horse, but I'm just here wanting to build trust and to be curious.

I try to maintain that dynamic but I'll start to step into taking a little bit more of a disruptor role. And that's really a part of my nature just as a human is I'm a very avid disruptor, and I try to do that in really gentle and curious ways.

I really think a lot of our roles as therapists is to disrupt, asking questions that can be a little challenging, but well-placed and in a climate of good trust, that start to disrupt the loops that we can all get stuck in.

It's Okay to Get Help

Michael Ceely: Sounds like you're balancing the art and the science of therapy there. Dr. Yakov Barton, this has been a great interview.

I'm interested in developmental depression now. I especially like how we talked about normalizing depression as a human experience and something not to be afraid of.

To the men out there listening… most likely all men have been through some depression, and so you're not alone. Get some therapy. It's okay. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

Learn more about Dr. Yakov Barton and his writings.

Considering therapy? Learn how to ask for help and tap into your vulnerability in my post, Vulnerability: 3 Steps Men Can Take to Harness Its Power

A Conversation About Men's Mental Health

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Thu, 16 Feb 2023 18:12:47 GMT

Two therapists discuss the importance of men's mental health, how to find the right therapist, and more.

I had the pleasure of being interviewed by psychologist Samantha Ruth about men's mental health on her podcast, The Be Ruthless Show. We talked about mental health for athletes, how to find the right therapist, and more. In this post, I share some highlights from the interview.

Note: this interview was recorded shortly after Hurricane Ian in Florida and the host, Samantha, refers to me as being "safe" after the storm.

Watch the Interview: Let's Talk About Men's Mental Health

Mental Health: Stigmas and Barriers

Samantha Ruth: There are stigmas in mental health everywhere, but it does seem there are different stigmas and barriers for men. What would you say to those resistant?

Michael Ceely: I would say the best experience I ever had in my sports career was seeing a therapist. And I would say to men out there who are resistant to therapy, think of therapy as like a coach that can help you with a specific problem. Don't look at it as there's something wrong with me or I'm defective or I'm weak or anything like that. Look at it like if you were on a sports team and you were having problems with your free throws.

We could take Shaquille O'Neal, for example, notorious for missing free throws. He was hilariously bad at it. He finally went and saw a mental performance coach, because it was a mental issue, it was a block. And he actually got pretty decent at free throws. I would say if you're resistant to therapy, take Shaquille O'Neal's example.

So think about therapy as, like, mental coaching, helping you through a specific problem. It’s a sign of strength to seek out help, not a sign of weakness. And by the way, you're human. We're all human. And we're all susceptible to anxiety, depression, all kinds of things.

So I would say, get some help if you need it. And all the cool people are doing it (laughs).

For a good laugh, check out how bad the great Shaquille O'Neal was at free throws in this video.

Sport Psychology and Athlete Mental Health

Samantha Ruth: I hear so many stories about athletes after the fact, being depressed when they couldn't play or compete.

So, I am a huge Cowboys fan. In the first game of the year against Tampa, Dak Prescott was talking before the game about how nervous he was about reinjuring his injury from last year. How can we get more people talking about it (mental health)?

Michael Ceely: I think it really comes from the leadership of the team, of making a culture that it's okay to have these fears about getting back in the game. And just normalizing that. I think it takes the example of a coach or a star player on the team to set that tone, for everybody to make it okay to speak about it.

And in revealing the fact that you're afraid, you might have all kinds of feedback from your teammates and coaches that you weren't even expecting. And you might find the solution right there as opposed to keeping it to yourself.

But I always use this thing with the athletes I work with. I call it “flipping it.” Think about if someone else were in your shoes. What if your teammate was injured and they were coming back into a game. They're feeling nervous, and they confided in you and said, "hey, I'm feeling kind of nervous."

Would you then say, "you're weak, I don't want to hear it?" Of course not! So, I tell athletes to flip the script and ask how would you would respond if someone was vulnerable to you, came to you and said, "hey, you know, I'm afraid. I don't think I should play tonight."

As a good teammate, you would want to support them as much as possible. So for everyone listening right now, flip that script. People want to support you, people want to help you. So confide in people and let them lift you up. It's okay.

Learn more about athletes and mental health on my webpage Counseling for Athletes.

The Continuum of Mental Health

Michael Ceely: It makes me think about the continuum of mental health. And that you don't have to have a diagnosis to go seek help.

On any given day, I'll be honest with you, I'll have days where I'm probably diagnosable with some sort of mental disorder (laughs).

I laugh because we're human, right? We have these emotions. It's biochemistry. It's, you know, the amount of sleep you've had, the amount of cortisol in your bloodstream… all of these things.

So I like to think about a continuum. On any given day, a human is going to have something that might be diagnosable, or it may not meet all the criteria for a disorder .

There's anxiety, there's depression, these are just normal things. And I like to think about them as symptoms, experiencing symptoms of anxiety or symptoms of depression.

So thinking about mental health on a continuum. Not that you have to “have depression” or “have anxiety” but you can have symptoms. Your symptoms start to pile up, and you get in a rut that way.

Samantha Ruth: Exactly the same as if you had a sore throat, right? Why do we (only) focus on physical symptoms? I think it's so important that we have those (mental) check-ins with ourselves and others.

If I'm not sleeping well, something is not okay. Whether that's physical or emotional. That's like a really big clue for me. And not everyone knows these things because we're staying silent (about mental health).

Interested in therapy to manage anxiety? Check out my webpage on anxiety therapy.

How to Find a Therapist

Michael Ceely: Finding a good therapist is like finding a good match, in that it might take three, four, or five phone calls. Call them (therapists) and have a conversation with them. And if the vibe isn't feeling right, listen to your gut.

You're going to know if you get on a phone call with the therapist, if it starts to click. So I tell people it's a process to find a therapist. Don't just take the first person. You're going to get more bang for your buck if you find someone that you click with. It takes a while, but once you find a match, it's totally worth it.

Samantha Ruth : It's so true, and I have people from all over reach out to me because the process is overwhelming and they need somebody who knows how to navigate it to help them find what they're looking for.

Need tips on finding a therapist? Check out my post, 5 Ways to Make the Most of Counseling.

The Accessibility of Online Therapy

Michael Ceely: With telehealth, with the Internet, you can find a therapist within your state borders who's licensed to practice in your state.

This is very common now. It wasn't like it was ten years ago. You can be out on a ranch in Montana and see a therapist in Helena or something like that just by going on the Internet and searching.

So searching in your entire state… it gives you a lot of options. It's really nice to meet in person, I get it. But also, you can resonate with someone living in a different city and you can do teletherapy and really get a good connection that way too.

Samantha Ruth: I don't know what your experience was. I was nervous at first but my clients love it. They love the accessibility. They love not having to deal with traffic. So if you want a certain expertise, that matters more to me than where that person is.

Corporate Mental Health

Samantha Ruth: And so going back to the leadership role, if you have a company, and you want to have healthy employees, bring someone in. People are struggling all over every day.

So creating that environment and a culture where it is safe for... an employee to not fear losing their job.

Do you at all do that, do you go into corporate in any way?

Michael Ceely: I haven't done that yet. Definitely open to the idea. What's funny, you mention corporate… my impetus to get into psychotherapy and mental health started when I was working in the tech world in San Francisco.

So I was working this high pressure tech job, like, crazy hours working till 9pm. And people were a little unhappy. So they brought in an organizational psychologist . And I saw how that worked. And frankly, it was a really bad experience (laughs). I was like, what did this person do wrong? I got really fascinated.

I think there is definitely room for companies no matter how big or small to start really focusing on mental health and not like you know, “you have a mental health problem” but more of like mental health on a continuum.

Because it really comes down to mindset. It's like, you could have plenty of talent at your job and if you're off your game, or if the culture is a little, you know, burned out, you're not going to be performing.

So as a leader of a business, no matter how big or small, think about that aspect. Bring in a professional.

I work with sports teams specifically. But not in corporate. But the same kind of stuff applies there. It's a team. And, yeah, if you want to find someone for your corporation or company, it can be a huge, huge benefit for sure.

Samantha Ruth: Yeah, that's the wave of the future because even if the people in the (corporate) meeting aren't dealing with it, they have someone in their life who is, a friend or family member. We all experience and encounter it. There's so much that we can provide so that people at least know how to have the conversations (about mental health).

Feeling burned out at work? Check out my services page for career counseling.

Final Thoughts

Samantha Ruth: Any final thoughts for listeners?

Michael Ceely: I'm really glad to connect with you. I think, you know, the more we have conversations like this, I think the better it is for everyone, that it kind of spreads around and people will get really into it. I think people will share this episode because it’s an important topic.

Check out all of Samantha's podcast episodes on The Be Ruthless Show.

7 Ways to Be More Decisive

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Sun, 15 Jan 2023 23:10:48 GMT

Understanding the causes of your indecision, plus practical strategies to be more decisive and create momentum.

"I'm not sure if I'm indecisive. Maybe I am. Then again, maybe I'm not. What do you think?"

All humor aside, a lot of people struggle with indecision. From the mundane, like choosing items in the grocery store, to the serious, like getting married or deciding to switch careers.

Do you have a problem with being indecisive? If so, you're in good company.

In this article, we’ll look at two types of decisions we typically encounter, we'll examine the causes of indecision, and finally, we'll get into the seven strategies to help you be more decisive.

The Types of Decisions

1. No-Win Situations

Decisions are hardest when they result in two equa lly bad outcomes.

Consider a child who hates vegetables and his parents give him a choice between spinach and peas. The child is faced with a no-win situation and will likely protest, or delay his decision as long as possible.

Let's say the parents introduce another variable to motivate the child: "Make a choice or you won't get any dessert."

Faced with the prospect of no dessert, the child might now decide to eat one of his vegetables. The introduction of a worse outcome clears the path for decision making.

2. Embarrassment of Riches

Sometimes a decision has two equally good outcomes.

Let's say you've been interviewing for jobs and you get two great job offers. One has a generous pension, and the other has lucrative stock options. Which do you take? Tough choice, right?

Having an embarrassment of riches can make it just as hard to decide as when you're faced with a no-win situation. You see, your brain is wired to find quick solutions. When the solutions are basically equal, the brain doesn't know what to do, and you can get stuck.

The Causes of Indecision

1. Analysis-Paralysis

The old adage, “sleep on it” bodes well with tough decisions. A little time to let things marinate can often bring clarity.

But wait too long and your brain starts to overanalyze things. This can lead to analysis-paralysis. Essentially what happens is your brain gets overwhelmed with information. As a way to cope, it freezes. It's that primal reaction of "fight, flight, or freeze."

2. FOOPO

FOOPO stands for fear of other people's opinions. Humans crave approval and acceptance. It's natural. But when that craving is exaggerated, it can lead to indecision.

For example, young folks are often indecisive about which college to go to. They may be caught between pleasing their parents and pleasing their friends, with little regard for their own happiness. Other people's opinions are weighing on them, and they become indecisive.

3. Fear of Failure

No one likes to lose, but when failure is viewed as unacceptable or unforgivable, it creates a lot of anxiety, and anxiety fuels indecision.

Decisive people don't enjoy failure, but they're not afraid of it. They know that most decisions are not life or death, so it's easier for them to take action.

4. Fear of Success

Yes, it's true, people can be afraid to succeed.

What exactly is fear of success? Essentially, it’s the fear of change. If your current situation is pretty good or at least predictable, changing things, even for the better, registers as danger in your brain and decisions become more difficult.

Sound illogical? Well, your brain isn't always logical. Its job is to help you survive, not thrive.

7 Strategies for Making Decisions

Okay, I've covered some of the common causes of indecision. Hopefully you see that it's very normal and human to be indecisive. It's not your fault... but you're not off the hook! Ready to get more decisive?

The following are some strategies to help you be more decisive. It's not an exhaustive list, but these are some things that have helped my clients, and have helped me personally.

1. What's the Worst that Could Happen?

The first strategy is to ask yourself the question, "what’s the worst that could happen?"

Most decisions are not life or death, so comparing worst-case scenarios can be a catalyst for moving you toward a decision.

After you identify the worst outcome, assess the likelihood of it actually occurring. Be careful here not to allow your emotions to influence your assessment.

Let's say the chance of the worst outcome happening is 5%. Another way to think about it is to flip the 5%. In other words, there's a 95% chance that you won't get your worst outcome.

Worst-case scenarios are rarely rated at 0%. Anything is possible, but not everything is probable. Getting more comfortable with probability can help you be more decisive.

2. Choose the Least-Worst Decision

When decisions result in two equally bad outcomes, your strategy can be to simply decide to take the least-worst outcome. It's akin to eating your vegetables, even when you don't want to.

The worst thing to do is to delay your decision. This will only increase your anxiety and fuel procrastination.

A helpful strategy is to write down the pros and cons of the two tough choices, then circle the most important pros and cons. Add them up like a balance sheet and see which one wins. If you can, put this list away for a day or two, and let it marinate. When you come back and look at it, you may get some more clarity.

3. Put It On Paper

For those decisions that result in two equally great outcomes, the same strategy applies: make a list of pros and cons.

The idea here is to get all of your thoughts onto paper. Ideas stuck in your head tend to get swirled up in emotions and cloud your logic.

4. Flip the Script

Here's the antidote to FOOPO. If you're afraid of other people's opinions, flip the scenario. Ask yourself if you would judge one of your friend’s or family member’s decisions.

For example, would you hold it against your friend if they decided to switch careers to something that they loved? Probably not, right? Apply the "Golden Rule in reverse" and treat yourself as you'd treat others. For more on this, check out my blog post, The Golden Rule, Vice Versa.

5. Reframe Failure

Nelson Mandela is famous for saying, “I never lose. I either win or I learn.” If fear of failure is hampering your decision making, reframe failure as learning.

Our society places so much importance on success, or better said, on not failing. The message we get is that failing makes you a failure, which is ridiculous, but that's the message.

Go against the status quo, and try making a few small decisions, fully accepting that you might fail. Worst that could happen is you learn something, right?

6. Have a Growth Mindset

Fear of success got you stuck in indecision? Look backwards. What I mean is look back on your life from where you are today. Do you have more skills now compared to years past? How about more life experience? Learned some important lessons? If you're like most humans the answers are yes.

Now, let me ask you, would you choose to go back in time and unlearn all those life lessons? Probably not, right? My suggestion then is to reframe success as growth.

Society trains us to think of success as some grandiose thing to be "attained" in the future. But success is really a daily process. It's about staying aligned with our goals and principles. Ultimately, success is about growth.

7. Regret As Your Guide

The last strategy is to use regret as your guide. Ask yourself if you would regret your decision in a year. This can guide your decision making. If you would indeed regret your decision in the long term, maybe you shouldn't take that decision.

In Conclusion

Making decisions isn't always easy. The key to being decisive is to understand the mental and emotional mechanics of decision making. Sometimes your brain is not the best decider. Don't get stuck. Step in as the executive and take charge.

I encourage you to try the strategies that I've outlined. Try them out on a few low-stakes decisions and see how it feels. Slowly but surely start building your decision-making muscles for those inevitable, tougher decisions that are coming your way.

What to be even more decisive and create unstoppable momentum? Check out my post 5 Ways to Play Offense in Life

A Therapist's Top Ten Favorite Quotes for Motivation

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Sun, 16 Oct 2022 22:52:37 GMT

From Jedi wisdom to eating frogs, these are the quotes that have inspired a therapist. They can help you too.

Can a therapist's favorite quotes motivate you? Let's find out. Here goes...

"Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."

That's just one of the many quotes that have inspired and guided me. I love quotes, so I decided to create my personal top ten list of favorite quotes. I hope they will motivate you and make your life better.

Watch the Video: My Top Ten Quotes for Motivation

Therapist's Motivational Quote #1. Mark Twain

Probably the most quoted person ever is Mark Twain. You likely know some of his more famous quotes like, "The secret of success is making your vocation your vacation.”

Over the years I have enjoyed Mark Twain's quotes and recently stumbled upon this gem: "Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."

He doesn't mean this literally of course, but the metaphor here is that if you do something challenging right away in the morning, you create momentum and confidence for the day.

You know that feeling when you finally handle something that you have been putting off? There's a sense of relief and accomplishment. Imagine if you did this every day.

You can actually train yourself to seek out challenge and discomfort by employing Mark Twain's philosophy. And in doing so you will conquer procrastination and get a lot more stuff done.

My own personal "frog" is exercising every day first thing in the morning. When I get done I feel fantastic. I feel accomplished and my body and brain are primed for the day.

What's your "frog?" Maybe it's as simple as getting up 30 minutes earlier every day so that you don't feel rushed. Whatever it is, try out Mark Twain's suggestion and see how it goes for you.

Therapist's Motivational Quote #2. Muhammad Ali

One of my go-to guys for inspiration has always been Muhammed Ali. My favorite quote from him is, "It's not the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out, it's the pebble in your shoe."

The meaning of this quote is debatable, but the consensus is this: when you're trying to accomplish something difficult, it's the little distractions that can throw you off course.

In the analogy, you could ignore the pebble in your shoe and keep climbing, or stop, take off your shoe, and remove the pebble.

But as you're taking off your shoe, you might decide to take off your other shoe, and adjust your sock a bit. Then you might decide to take a little break, sit down and relax. After all, you deserve a break. Before you know, an hour has past. Get the idea?

Staying focused on the task at hand will increase your odds of accomplishing it, so the lesson here is to ignore all of those "pebbles."

Therapist's Motivational Quote #3. Peter Wright

My third favorite quote is from Peter Wright, a somatic therapist in Berkeley, California.

He has a lot of great quotes but my favorite is, "You can't get there from not here."

When I first heard this, it was one of those brainteaser moments. I had to think about it for a while before I got it.

Essentially, it means you can't reach your goal if you are in denial about where you're starting from.

Want a better relationship with your spouse? If you're in denial about the current health of your marriage, it's unlikely that you will do the work necessary to improve your relationship.

Behind on your retirement planning? It's unlikely that you will improve your financial situation if you think that everything is fine.

I love this quote because it's a dose of tough love. It's an antidote to denial. Think about areas of your life where you want to accomplish something. But first, look in the mirror and ask yourself where you need to start.

Therapist's Motivational Quote #4. Greg LeMond

My next quote is from the famous American cyclist, Greg Lemond . He was the first American to win the Tour de France, and won a total of three editions of the world's toughest bicycle race.

LeMond was my hero growing up. I was just starting to get into bicycle racing when he was making it big in the European pro peloton. As he was getting better and better results, he said, "It never gets easier, you just go faster."

Think about it, when you first started learning a new skill, it was probably difficult, but with practice, you improved. The skill itself never got easier, you got better.

The point of this quote is that everything is difficult at first. A baby’s first steps are awkward. Bipedal walking is not exactly easy. Few species do it. Walking never gets easier, the baby just gets better at it.

I employ this quote whenever I am daunted by learning a new skill. While it doesn't feel easy at first, if I hang in there, I'll get better!

Therapist's Motivational Quote #5. Lance Armstrong

Speaking of famous bike racers, or should I say infamous, my next quote is from Lance Armstrong .

Love him or hate him, Armstrong was a talented athlete, and here's my favorite quote from him: "Pain is temporary, quitting last forever." It's a great maxim for achieving something difficult, especially if it's important to you.

I'll share a personal story where this philosophy came in handy. I was an undergraduate at UC Berkeley taking a linguistics class. I thought it would be easy, but I found myself barely passing. I wondered if I should drop the class.

Distraught, I asked the professor what I should do. He asked me how many hours I was studying. When I told him, he essentially told me to double that.

For the next few weeks I spent four hours a day in the library with a stack of linguistics books until I mastered the material.

My dream was to graduate from UC Berkeley, and failing my linguistics class would have jeopardized that dream. The pain of studying in the library was temporary, giving up on my dream would last forever.

Armstrong's quote is from the sports world, but it applies to all things in life that are painful, yet worth the effort.

Therapist's Motivational Quote #6. Tony Robbins

My next quote is from Tony Robbins, you know, that tall energetic guy who jumps around on stages and inspires people. Similar to Lance Armstrong's quote, Tony Robbins said, "Discipline weighs ounces, regret weighs tons."

I use this quote nearly every day. I imagine a scale in my mind. On one end is regret, tilting down the scale like a ton of bricks. On the other end is ephemeral discipline, barely weighing anything.

Let's say I want to stay up late watching YouTube videos but also want to have a productive day tomorrow. I immediately picture a scale in my mind’s eye. The discipline of turning off my computer weighs far less than the regret I’ll have the next day when I'm tired and grumpy due to lack of sleep.

Maybe there's something in your life that needs more discipline, and applying that discipline would only "weigh" ounces. Want to learn more about discipline vs regret? Check out my video on this topic right here.

Therapist's Motivational Quote #7. Wayne Gretzky

First thing tomorrow I'm going to stop procrastinating. No, that's not Wayne Gretzky's quote, that's just my little joke.

Here's what Gretzky really said: "Procrastination is one of the most common and deadliest of diseases and its toll on success and happiness is heavy.”

What I love about this quote is that it lets you know you're not alone in your procrastination. At the same time, it stresses the seriousness of this harmful habit.

And that's really all procrastination is, it's a habit. And habits can change.

Think of procrastination like a path through a meadow. The first time you walk it, there's not much impact. But year after year, as you tread the path, it becomes beaten-down.

Now, let's say that "taking the bull by the horns", is a path not yet created in your metaphorical meadow. All it takes, really, is you forging that new path, then repeatedly walking down it until it becomes automatic.

If you feel stuck in procrastination, there is hope. I have some great techniques for beating this destructive habit. In fact, I have an entire blog post and video on it right here: Stop Procrastination: Tame the Tiger and Get Momentum

Therapist's Motivational Quote #8. Bedros Kuellian

Quote number eight is from a man named Bedros Keuilian , a successful entrepreneur who made his money in the fitness industry. His quote is, "How you do one thing is how you do everything.”

Bedros came up with this quote through his own personal suffering. For years he struggled with anxiety, and used avoidance as a coping mechanism.

His anxiety got so bad that he finally sought help from a therapist. Through his work in psychotherapy he learned how to face his problems head-on.

This was liberating for Bedros, and he began to implement his new philosophy across the board, in all aspects of his life. He realized that ignoring even one part of his life led to a slippery slope back toward avoidance and anxiety.

We all know the cliché of the wealthy businessman whose personal life is a mess. His business runs like a Swiss watch but his wife is divorcing him and his kids are in rehab. Eventually, his personal life bleeds into his business, and the whole house of cards comes tumbling down.

But what if the businessman applied the same passion for his business to all aspects of his life? Chances are his marriage would be stronger and his kids would have a father to confide in. Eventually, he would create an upward spiral of positivity, strengthening his business, family, and his own personal well-being.

Learn more about Bedros’ journey away from anxiety in this interview.

Therapist's Motivational Quote #9. Marianne Williamson

“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.”

I first heard this quote from Marianne Williamson in a yoga class while deeply ensconced in Savasana pose. As the yoga instructor read these potent words, they resonated with me deeply.

I remember walking home after class with a feeling of liberation. I thought to myself, "Wow, you mean I don't have to hold myself back?!"

Like most of us, I had been taught to be humble and play it safe in life. This quote shattered the myth that striving for success is a "selfish endeavor."

Success is not selfish. On the contrary, if you expand, it can benefit others.

Society dupes us into believing that chasing our dreams somehow hurts other people. Making "too much money" is not fair to others who make less.

Nothing could be further from the truth. The more money you have, the more good you can do with it. You can employ people, start a charity, and be a positive influence.

Staying humble and playing small limits your influence. There's nothing wrong with this of course, but just understand what Marianne Williamson's quote really means.

Read the entire quote here, taken from her book, Return to Love.

Therapist's Motivational Quote #10. Yoda

Okay, drumroll... my final quote, and perhaps my favorite, is from none other than Yoda, of Star Wars fame. That's right, a muppet made my top-ten favorite quotes list.

Yoda famously said to Luke Skywalker, "Do or do not, there is no try." Watch the famous scene here.

On the surface, this quote seems like some perfunctory thing a football coach would say to his team. But this quote is from Yoda, mind you, a wise Jedi.

If we go deeper, what this quote really means is to go all-in, to not fear failure. "Trying" is a copout. It leaves us an out. It mitigates disappointment.

So many of us, including myself, have been conditioned to restrain ourselves from really going for something 100%. Why? Because failure has been sold to us as something horrible, almost worse than death itself.

But really, what's the worst that could happen if you go for something you love with all your heart and don't achieve it? Well, you'd be disappointed.

But what about everything that you gain in the process of striving for what you want? The people you meet, the experience you gain, the mental toughness you acquire. What about that? Certainly that's worth something.

My suggestion to you is to be more like Yoda. If something is important to you, go for it all the way. Certainly have a plan and be willing to adjust your strategy, but keep going until you achieve your goal.

Conclusion

I hope you enjoyed my top-ten list of favorite quotes. More importantly, I hope you use these quotes to make your life better.

Whenever I find myself drifting and doubting myself, I go to my list of quotes to seek inspiration. One of them always jumps out at me and instantly gives me the perspective I need.

I have a long list of quotes that I have amassed over the years, and I continually add to them. I love quotes because they give you a succinct nugget of someone else's wisdom.

What are some of your favorite quotes? Feel free to share them with me and others by leaving a comment on my YouTube channel.

Considering counseling? Feel free to reach out and schedule your free phone consultation today.

Zoomed out: How to Handle Video Conferencing Fatigue

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Fri, 02 Sep 2022 01:28:53 GMT

Trapped behind your computer screen? Here's how to set boundaries and push back on all of those virtual meetings.

Before 2020, virtual meetings were a novel break from the conference room. Now it seems they’re the new default.

There seems to be a misconception that video meetings are less fatiguing than meeting in person. As a consequence, people are now inundated with back-to-back video meetings, with little time left for normal workday tasks.

Can you relate? If so, this article can help. I'll share some strategies on how you can advocate for your physical and mental health, and set limits on your screen time.

Busting the Myth of Virtual Meetings

Virtual meetings took the world by storm in 2020 when businesses told employees to work from home. At first, people were touting the benefits of meeting online.

As the world plunged headlong into videoconferencing mode, little was known about the effects of all that screen time.

But researchers were getting more and more data on the downside of virtual work meetings. Things like prolonged direct screen gazing, social isolation, and hyper awareness of one's own self-image, all added up to a type of fatigue never before seen in the workplace.

Soon there was a name for it: Zoom Fatigue, referring not just to the Zoom platform, but to all videoconferencing brands. By the way, in this article I will use the word Zoom as a generic way to describe all videoconferencing.

It’s easy to see how Zoom fatigue happens. Humans are social creatures. We are “wired” (pun intended) for in-person contact. The virtual world lacks human touch, body language, side conversations, and those yummy cookies your coworker brings to the conference room.

Humans Aren't Computers

If you tak e away all these in-person social interactions and replace them with a completely different modality, there just might be a problem, right?

Some argue that we need to adapt to virtual meetings, that meeting in person is a thing of the past.

But it’s not our lack of ability to adapt to a new modality, it’s the frequency of the modality. Video conferencing has been stacked into people's work calendars, day after day, hour after hour. It’s not sustainable.

Your Physical Health

In my previous career in the tech world, I almost ruined my health by spending long hours in front of a computer screen. This made me realize that nothing is more important than my health.

Before the onslaught of video conferencing, you could take at least a few breaks from your computer. Nowadays you can be trapped for hours in a virtual conference.

The human body is not designed to be staring at a screen for so long. It's bad for your eyes, your back, and your posture.

Your Mental Health

While it’s easy to measure the physical impact of too much Zooming, the mental impact is more subtle but just as serious.

Without regular screen breaks, the stress hormone cortisol remains elevated in the body, which can lead to chronic stress. Over time, chronic stress can put you at risk for anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems.

Zoom fatigue can impact other domains of your life besides work. You might be grumpy with your spouse, or feel emotionally exhausted and skip your gym workout.

Zoom Meetings and Decreased Creativity

Whether you’re an employee or your own boss, spending endless hours on Zoom is linked to decreased creativity.

With in-person meetings, there is more spontaneity, more of an organic flow and sharing of ideas. Zoom meetings lack this dynamic.

In fact, there are studies suggesting Zoom meetings stifle creativity due to the narrow, concentrated visual focus of the computer screen.

Setting Boundaries with Virtual Meetings

Okay, clearly too much Zooming is bad for you. So, what to do about it?

If you’re your own boss, simply cutting back on Zoom meetings may be an easy fix. You can increase your creativity, and reduce chronic stress and fatigue.

If you’re an employee, it might be a different story. Your company may not encourage you to simply say no to Zoom. This is where the art of boundary setting comes in.

Boundaries can be defined as healthy limits between people. Boundaries allow flexibility, while at the same time respecting individual autonomy.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially at work. Here are a couple of suggestions:

1. Try an Experiment in Boundaries

Try flat out saying no to your next Zoom meeting. Say that you have extra work to do and request that somebody send you the meeting notes. See what happens. You likely won't be fired, and best-case scenario, your boss won't really care.

2. Think of Your Coworkers

If your work culture makes it hard for you to set boundaries on video meetings, consider your coworkers. If you are mentally and physically fatigued, most likely they are too. You might bring this up with your boss, or with HR. Frame your concern not just as personal for you, but also as preventing employee burnout in general.

3. Enlist an Ally in Boundary Setting

Sometimes you need an ally when setting boundaries at work. Consider talking to a trusted coworker about your Zoom concerns. Maybe the two of you could bring up the issue together.

Setting boundaries at work can provoke anxiety, but you might be surprised at the response you get. Often in high-paced work environments, bosses and HR departments are so busy that they don't even realize when people are suffering. They may thank you for speaking up.

Learn more about how to set boundaries in my blog post How to Finally Stop Being a People-Pleaser

More Ways to Reduce Zoom Fatigue

Besides setting boundaries, there are some other practical ways to reduce Zoom fatigue.

One of the problems with Zooming is that you are sitting for hours on end. Consider getting a standup desk to mix things up. This can reduce fatigue.

If the social protocol is that nobody takes a break during a meeting, consider walking offscreen temporarily, to see what happens. If no one reacts, you might try taking a longer break.

You might also test the cultural norms by stretching your arms, or drinking water during a meeting.

There are also plenty of environmental tweaks you can do to beat Zoom fatigue. You could have a nature poster right next to your screen to allow your eyes to drift off and refocus during meetings.

Other ideas include using your smartphone instead of your computer screen. This reduces the size of the screen and allows your eyes a chance to focus on other things in the room.

If you want to be really bold, you could propose an in-person meeting instead. Again, this is one of those experiments where you see what happens. If it doesn't get you fired, it might be worth it!

This excellent article from Stanford University talks about causes of Zoom fatigue and offers some solutions. I highly recommend it.

Conclusion

While Zooming can be a blessing, like reducing the need to commute, it can also be a curse if people over-rely on it.

Mental and physical problems are very real concerns related to extensive video conferencing. But the more you set boundaries, the less likely you are to suffer from Zoom fatigue.

Even if you haven't yet experienced any problems, you might consider reducing your screen time anyway. My suggestion is to try a digital detox. Check out my blog post on this here: The Digital Detox .

Want some guidance on navigating stressful work environments? Consider my counseling services for work and career issues .

Or feel free to reach out and schedule a free phone consultation today.

5 Ways to Make the Most of Counseling

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Sun, 22 May 2022 00:00:51 GMT

Do these five things to set yourself up for a successful journey in therapy.

So you finally decided to seek therapy. You’ve taken the first step. The next step is setting yourself up for success. As a therapist, here's what I think are five important things you can do to make the most of your counseling experience.

Watch the Video

1. The Investment in Therapy

Like any important investment, there can be hesitation regarding spending money. It's natural to focus on cost. It's also important to consider the cost of not seeking counseling. What's the cost for you, for your health, for your relationships? While you might be able to figure things out on your own, why not bring in an expert to help you, and accelerate the process?

Having spent money on my own therapy, I can say that it was well worth it. At the time though, I was hesitant to make the investment. My hesitation subsided when I found the right therapist.

It turns out that the main factor for successful therapy is the counselor-client match. In fact, studies cite the therapeutic relationship as a major predictor for positive outcomes in counseling.

So how much should you expect to pay for counseling? It depends if you choose to go the private pay route, or use insurance. Depending on your area, private pay rates will vary. Insurance is less expensive, but limits you to a smaller group of therapists.

Remember that the most important thing is counselor-client match. If things are clicking with your therapist, you are more likely to get results. Moreover, with a good match, you may end up saving money by making progress more quickly, thereby paying for fewer sessions.

For folks on a budget, there are other options like free community clinics, and some interesting new innovations such as Open Path Collective . However you choose to find your therapist, focus on match over price.

For more on using insurance for therapy, check on my blog post The Pros and Cons of Insurance vs Private Pay for Psychotherapy

2. Choose Your Therapist Wis ely

So how do you find the right therapist for you? It's natural to want to get some relief as quickly as possible. But if you can, spend some time interviewing therapists before you schedule your first session.

First though, research some of the popular counseling modalities such as cognitive behavioral therapy , psychodynamic, etc. and see which ones resonate with you. Don't get stuck on the style of therapy though. Again, it's the counselor-client match that matters most.

Also, decide what you want to achieve in counseling. Do you have only a few specific things you want to solve quickly, or do want to some deeper, long-term work?

When it comes time to start interviewing potential therapists, come up with a list of questions you want to ask. Don't be afraid to ask the tough questions.

Take the time to find a therapist that feels right for you. If you find yourself paralyzed with indecision, remember you can always change therapists. Typically, a positive therapeutic alliance is established between 1-3 sessions, so you should know pretty quickly if you have found a good fit.

3. Make Therapy a Priority

Once you've chosen a therapist, commit to the process. This means being honest with yourself about what might derail your commitment. Counseling is not just one hour per week, it's taking time before and after sessions to reflect, and doing some homework between sessions.

Once you and your therapist have a regular time slot, stick to it. It might be tempting to cancel a session if a friend is in town, or if something else comes up. Try not to do this, as the gains you've made in counseling can start to slip.

It's common for people to drop out of therapy too early because they’re "feeling better." Be careful of this. Temporary elation does not necessarily equate to sustained progress. Often you have to work through tough issues and feel worse before you feel better in the long-term.

4. Have Measurable Goals in Therapy

As a therapist, one of the biggest mistakes I see clients make is not having goals. They don't have to be set in stone, but you should have some basic, measurable outcomes you want to achieve.

Your therapist may or may not want to set goals with you, but it's important that you come to counseling with your own goals in mind.

Your goals should not be stated in all-or-nothing language. "Getting rid of anxiety" is not possible, but "feeling 50% less anxious six out of seven days" is a realistic goal to start with. Once achieved, new goals can always be set.

5. Create a Collaborative Experience

You and your therapist are a team. Gone are the days of the all-knowing analyst who is not questioned. A therapist’s guidance may feel off at times, so it's your job to give feedback.

Counseling typically reaches plateaus of progress. These are great times to check in with your therapist to see how things are going.

As a therapist, I've heard stories of therapy going on for years without any assessment of progress. Don't let this happen. Speak up if you are wondering how you are progressing.

That brings us to termination. It can be hard to end the counseling journey, especially if the alliance is strong. But in the end, it's a professional relationship, not a personal one. The goal of counseling is empowerment, not dependency.

How do you know when it's time to end therapy? Have you met your goals? Have you made gains and created a sustainable new baseline? If the answers to these questions are yes, it might be time to bid adieu to your counselor.

Some clients continue counseling even after they have reached their goals. But this is after a frank discussion with their therapist, to determine if this is beneficial. Some people see their therapist once a month, or every couple of months, for regular "tune ups." This is fine if the client and counselor both understand the purpose for meeting.

In Conclusion

Counseling is an investment in yourself. It takes effort and commitment. Finding a good match in a counselor can take time. If you're persistent, you'll find someone who can be an effective guide on your journey of growth and self empowerment.

Take counseling seriously. Write down your goals, don't skip sessions, and have the courage to communicate with your therapist about your progress. Good luck!

Athlete Mindset: 4 Choices to Improve Your Sport Performance

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Sat, 16 Apr 2022 00:02:40 GMT

Athletes can make better choices for their performance and for their overall mental health.

If you're an athlete, you may be struggling with anxiety, comparison syndrome, and attaching self worth to your results. These are common issues for athletes.

This article addresses these issues head-on, and aims to help athletes (and non-athletes) reduce stress, and improve performance.

Here are four empowering choices that can not only boost sport performance, but improve overall mental health as well.

Watch the Video: Mental Choices to Improve Your Sport

1. Choose Action Over Anxiety

It's common for athletes to worry about an upcoming competition. But there's a difference between normal worrying and anxiety.

Worrying is a notch above concern, but anxiety is more severe. It’s where the worry becomes amplified, leading to repetitive thoughts, physical tension, and insomnia.

I'd like to propose that worry and anxiety are on a continuum, rooted in the same problem, and that problem is lack of action.

In other words, worry and anxiety are action signals. If they’re not acted on, the energy remains trapped inside, swirling around much like stagnant water without an outlet. You end up overanalyzing things to the point that you become paralyzed by indecision.

Sound familiar? Welcome to the human brain. It’s wired to worry. But you can short-circuit your worries and anxiety with action.

It's important to mention that simply taking action is not a cure-all. Sometimes therapy is needed to disentangle the thoughts and feelings associated with anxiety. And any symptoms of panic are best addressed in therapy. For the sake of this article though, I'm focusing on the less severe forms of anxiety that athletes commonly experience.

You can learn more about how therapy can help with anxiety on my anxiety therapy services page .

So, if you're an athlete experiencing worry or anxiety, don't ignore it, take some action. You don't have to necessarily solve your concern, but take some sort of action in the general direction of a solution.

Let's take the example of Shaquille O'Neal. He was infamous for being a terrible free throw shooter. He would often hit the rim, and sometimes even threw air balls.

As time went on, Shaq got more and more anxious about shooting free throws. Things got so bad that he finally had to take action.

He got a special free throw coach, and with practice, improved his shooting significantly. In short, he turned his anxiety into action.

You too can turn anxiety into action. It starts with one small step. Stack small action on top of small action and watch your anxiety diminish.

Learn more about my counseling services for athletes here: counseling for athletes

2. Choose Inspiration Over Comparison

Athletes (and all humans) compare themselves to others. It's normal, and there's nothing inherently wrong with it.

The problem starts when you idealize the other person and demote yourself. This leads to jealousy and self-criticism. You end up comparing an idealized version of the other person to all of your perceived deficiencies.

This phenomenon is amplified in athletes, because they compete against each other. It's natural to look for a quality in a competitor that you can emulate.

But in the pursuit of improvement, you might think your competitors "have it all figured out." Clearly, they must, because they're getting better results, right?

Wrong. Your competitors have their own problems. If you want to be like them, then you have to take on all their problem too!

So instead of comparing yourself in this negative way, seek inspiration from your competitors. Take a page from their book, but don't copy their entire book. Remember that you are writing your own book.

3. Choose Purpose Over Pleasure

If you're reading this article, you probably have a roof over your head, and an Internet connection.

The kind of lifestyle that we have in the United States is incredibly comfortable. Certainly there is poverty, but most people are able to get food everyday.

It didn't used to be this way. The Great Depression wasn't that long ago. Food was scarce. People worked their fingers to the bone. Pleasure consisted of getting a good night’s sleep.

Nowadays pleasure is everywhere. Junk food, Netflix, instant gratification from your phone, the list goes on.

We have redefined pleasure to the point now where going without our instant gratification equates to pain and suffering. Try going a day without looking at your phone or your TV screen. I bet you can't do it.

By the way, if you're interested in reducing your screen time, read about how to do it here in my post, Reclaim Your Time with a Digital Detox.

So for all you athletes out there, I encourage you to adjust your definition of pleasure.

Athletes often fall into the trap of "treating themselves" to unhealthy habits. They rationalize it by saying they deserve a break because they worked out.

If you're an athlete you might find yourself "relaxing" by drinking too much alcohol, binge watching Netflix, and wasting time on social media.

All this time could be used for doing purposeful activities, like spending time with your family, or strategizing for your next competition.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying athletes shouldn't relax. That's fine, but schedule the relaxation, don't just compulsively indulge in pleasure.

Start looking at purposeful activities as pleasurable, instead of as work or something that you have to do. Adjust your mindset from "I have to do it" to "I get to do it."

For more about this mindset, check out my blog post Choose Purpose Over Pleasure

4. Choose Mission Over Self

Whatever sport you play, you do it for a reason. Most likely it makes you feel liberated, free, and empowered.

Unfortunately, athletes get caught up in self-criticism, and pressure to get results. They lose perspective on why they started their sport in the first place.

If you're not careful, your entire self-worth can become attached to your athletic achievements. This can lead to burnout.

To prevent burnout, make your sport less about you. Many professional athletes set up charities, or start coaching younger athletes. The focus of their sport moves from a self-centered endeavor to a mission.

In this shift toward a mission, athletes discover a higher purpose for their sport, and consequently feel less stress about their own results. They're playing the long game instead of the short, "just me" game.

The long game is about athletes inspiring others, and giving back to a sport that has given them so much. When trying to sell this approach to athletes, they might protest, saying "Give back to my sport? I hardly have time for myself!"

It's a tough sell, but the shift from putting all the pressure on yourself to contributing to a greater cause is a game changer.

Interested in changing your game? The first step in this shift is to write a mission statement. Write down all the reasons why you love your sport. Then ask yourself what your sport does for others. Does it inspire people to get in shape? Does it teach people the joy of self discipline? Write it all down.

After you write your first draft, condense it into a succinct paragraph, something that you can memorize. Print it out and read your mission statement daily to remind yourself why you are dedicated to your sport. This will energize you and give you bigger reasons to achieve your goals.

If you win a game or a competition, your joy will magnify because you'll know you are positively impacting others.

If you lose a game or competition, you'll know that others admire your perseverance, your determination, your sportsmanship, and your athletic spirit.

Win or lose, you'll be true to your mission. Your courage to compete will inspire others. These people will in turn share their inspiration, and the ripple effect that you started will echo forth.

For more on writing a mission statement, check out my post Your Mission Statement: A Deeper Motivation for Business Owners . It applies to athletes as well as business owners.

In Conclusion

My hope is that this article helps you, whether you're an athlete or not.

Choosing action over anxiety, inspiration over comparison, purpose over pleasure, and mission over self, can become your new defaults.

For athletes, these four choices, when consistently employed, can lead to better results, lower stress, and better mental health.

For non-athletes, these choices are can be applied to all areas of your life. Not a lot of people opt for these choices, though. The paradigm of instant gratification is unfortunately very pervasive in our society.

Dare to be different. Try these four powerful choices for two weeks as an experiment. It will be hard at first, but stick with it. The rewards are worth it.

5 Ways to Handle Burnout at Work

Thu, 03 Mar 2022 19:03:44 GMT

Feeling burned out at your job? Get some perspective. Try these 5 actions.

Job burnout is a normal human reaction to feeling overwhelmed or powerless about a difficult work environment.

If you're feeling burned out at your job, it's often due to a difficult boss, long hours, low pay, or few opportunities for promotion. Essentially, anything that makes you feel like the effort you're putting in isn't worth it, financially, emotionally, or otherwise.

Before you just quit your job, it's best to get some perspective. Here are five ways to address burnout so you can properly decide on the right course of action.

1. Assess the Pros and Cons of Your Workplace

Do a "balance sheet" and write down all the positives and negatives of your job. If you have been ignoring the positives, and the positives are substantial, this can put things in perspective.

On the other hand, if you have been rationalizing the negatives, this exercise can be a truth-telling wake up call.

It's important to get everything out of your head and onto paper. Thoughts and emotions can mislead, but words can clarify.

Once you have your list of pros and cons, don't make any decisions just yet. Put the list away, let it marinate, and look at it again the next day. This is what we call "sleeping on it" and it's a prudent measure for all major decisions.

The list might be just what you needed to figure things out. Or maybe you're even more confused about what to do. Read on...

2. Take a Mini Vacation Away from Your Job

Making a list of pros and cons can help clarify things, but sometimes you need even more perspective. Try taking a few days away from work. Go for a hike, or get out of town and enjoy yourself.

A change in routine can get you out of a rut, and make you think differently. You might realize your job is not that bad, that you simply need more leisure time to balance things out.

Or perhaps you'll come back from your mini vacation full of dread, realizing that yes, as you suspected, you hate your job and you need to take steps to move on to something better.

Or maybe you're still not clear. You don't have to figure it out alone.

3. Talk to Someone About Your Job Burnout

Burnout is often due to resentment and rumination. Keeping your feelings bottled up makes you dwell on negativity.

Nothing beats talking to someone. Talk to a family member, friend, or trusted coworker. See if your job offers an employee assistance program (EAP) where you can talk to a counselor for free about your burnout.

Finding a therapist outside of your work is also an option. Search for therapists who specialize in work issues and burnout.

Learn more about my career counseling services here.

4. Don't Quit Your Job, Press Pause Instead

Don't make big decisions when you're in a bad emotional state. Take your time, even if today you're fed up with your job.

Remember, you can always quit your job, but you can't "unquit" it. See if you can tough it out until you feel more confident about what your next step is.

If you don't know what your next step is, take some action, even just a little...

5. Take Small Steps in Right Direction

Take action in the right direction. What do I mean? If you can't see a way past your job burnout, take some action that brings you closer to a solution. Here's a few ideas:

Polish up your resume and put it up on some job posting sites. The process will get you thinking in a new way and you'll get insights into your current job.
Sign up for a networking event. It could be in your current job industry, or in one that you're thinking of getting into. You never know who you'll meet, or what you might learn.
Tap into your existing network. Still have the email of your old college buddy? Get in touch. Connect with someone on LinkedIn. Ask questions, be curious.

The point is to move the needle in the direction of a solution. If where you are right now is burned out, you need to take action.

Conclusion

As painful as it may be, try to look at your burnout as an opportunity to make a positive change.

There's a reason why you're burned out, so lean into finding a solution. The solution could as simple as taking a vacation, or as big as finding a whole new career.

Whatever's causing your burnout, you'll figure it out. Be patient and keep taking action in right direction.

Considering a career change or other major life transition? Learn more about my service Counseling for Life Transitions.

The Top 3 Mental Barriers to Athletic Performance

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Sun, 16 Jan 2022 00:46:11 GMT

Sport psychology matters. Anxiety, plateaus, and life balance are athletes' most common mental challenges.

Athletes love to push themselves. They strive to reach their goals. Typically though, athletes encounter mental barriers to their performance.

The three most common barriers are anxiety, plateaus, and life balance. These three are always present, lurking in background, ready to interfere if not addressed.

Watch the Video: The Top 3 Mental Barriers to Athletic Performance

The Inner Game of Sports

When you reach an elite level in your sport, it's the inner game, the mental game, that moves the needle.

Yet many athletes are reluctant to venture into the mental realm. Why? Because it's uncharted waters. But like anything new, once you dive in, you adapt.

In this post, you'll learn how to leverage anxiety to your advantage. You'll also learn ways to level-up to the next plateau. Finally, you'll learn about life balance and how it can help you get better results in the sport you love.

Anxiety: What Could Go Wrong?

The most common mental barrier to athletic performance is anxiety. From normal pre-competition jitters to paralyzing fear, all athletes deal with anxiety.

Even legends like Steve Young of the San Francisco 49ers have suffered from anxiety. In his book, My Life Behind the Spiral, Young recounts debilitating anxiety, where he would throw up and not sleep for days before a big game.

But athletes don't have to suffer. Steve Young finally faced his fears, got help from a therapist, and tamed his anxiety. You too can "take a page" from Young's book, and tackle your anxiety.

Here's an exercise that can help: Take out a piece of paper. Write down everything that you think could go wrong in an upcoming game or competition.

Next, rate the likelihood of each thing going wrong on a scale of 0 to 10, with 10 being highest. Be realistic. Use reason, not emotion.

Now, pick the top one or two most feared outcomes and ask yourself what you can do to proactively reduce the likelihood of a negative outcome.

Most likely you will identify some kind of action to take. This could be as simple as talking to a coach, teammate, or friend about your fear. Two brains are always better than one for solving problems. As you take action, anxiety diminishes.

Anxiety: What Could Go RIGHT?

The next thing you can do is list all the scenarios you think could go RIGHT at your game or competition. Rate the likelihood of them going right on a scale of 0 to 10, with 10 being highest.

Pick the lowest ranking scenarios and decide on what action you can take to bump up the likelihood of a positive outcome. Do you need to train more? Rest more? Practice your free-throw shooting? Take some action.

If you can't figure out what action to take, talk to a coach, a teammate, or do some reflective journaling. The appropriate action will present itself.

The point here is to get all of these concerns out of your head… and onto paper. Making an action plan will reduce your anxiety before your next competition.

Even if you don't achieve your desired outcome, at least you took action. The more you do that, the more you change your relationship to anxiety. Instead of anxiety being something to avoid, it becomes an opportunity, a call to action.

Hitting Plateaus in Sports

The second most common mental barrier is plateaus. This is when you arrive at a level

in your sport where things are predictable and there are fewer challenges.

If you're competitive and thrive on challenges, staying on a plateau for too long will feel like stagnation. You'll stop growing, you'll get restless.

But jumping to the next level can be daunting, right? What will happen? Will you be successful?

You may be so daunted that you convince yourself that the next plateau is not for you, that it's only for super champions, genetic freaks, elitists. This could be negative self-talk trying to protect you from potential disappointment.

But what's the worst that could happen if you don't jump to the next level? Well, nothing really, except some disappointment.

Did you know that two great baseball legends, Babe Ruth and Alex Rodriguez, both got booted down to the minor leagues?

That's right, they pushed their way into the majors, only to be kicked out! Were they disappointed? Probably. Did they quit? Nope. They dove back in and got to their next plateau.

So, are you ready to dive in? Are you ready to get uncomfortable and strive for more in your sport?

If the answer is yes, then it's time to start putting yourself in situations that force you to level up.

If you play a team sport, ask your coach for more game time, do extra practice drills, go to bed earlier... st art behaving like you are already on a higher level.

If you do an individual sport like running or triathlons, enter the bigger races, train with people faster than you, or find a coach to push you.

There's a lot of things you can do to commit to getting to the next level. Be like Babe Ruth and swing for the fences!

Life Balance for Athletes

Life balance is the third major mental barrier. Life balance simply means that the domains of your life are in control. There's no drama, no crisis brewing.

If you’re an athlete, you are probably good at controlling the sport domain of your life. While this is good for your sport, it can lead to ignoring other important aspects of your life.

Then before you know it, a problem that was simmering on the back burner boils over into a crisis. You’re thrown off your game, and your sport performance suffers.

There are numerous examples of professional athletes who have ignored the domains of their life and not dealt with their problems. The result? Chaos. Mike Tyson, Darryl Strawberry, and figure skater Tonya Harding come to mind.

It seems obvious that discord in one part of your life will negatively impact your sport. Yet too many athletes play the denial game. They grow distant from their spouse, or they ignore their finances. Then one day, boom! Divorce, bankruptcy, or worse. Think that might impact your sport? You bet it will.

To keep your life in balance, here's another exercise that can help: Write down all the domains of your life. This can be your sport, your job, your marriage, your family, friends, a hobby, your finances, etc.

Essentially, break down your life into its most important parts. Next, rate the health of each domain on a scale of 0-10 with 10 being best.

Typically, there's going to be a couple of domains that score on the low end, and some that score on the high end.

For the domains you're scoring low on, that means you want to take some action and make those healthier.

Need to have a hard conversation with your significant other? Do it. Need to make a budget or invest your money? Take one small action today. Nip those problems in the bud.

Go back and do this "life domains assessment" on a regular basis to keep chaos at bay. Your sport will thank you.

Conclusion

Well, there you have it. The three most common mental barriers to sport performance. Anxiety, plateaus, and life balance.

My hope is that this blog post gives you a few simple tools to help you in your sport, and in your life.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the importance of not taking your sport too seriously.

This doesn't mean you don't go for it 100%. It means you don't beat yourself up if you're not progressing the way you had hoped. It's okay to adjust your goals.

Also, don't fall into the all-too-common comparison trap. What works for one athlete, may not work for you, and vice-versa. For more on this, check out my Instagram post.

If you have questions about sport performance or are considering counseling, feel free to reach out and schedule your free phone consultation or learn more on my services page counseling for athletes

“Not only in running, but in much of life, is a sense of balance and proportion necessary.”

-Clarence DeMar, winner of seven Boston Marathons.

New Year's Resolutions? Get Accountable, Get S.M.A.R.T.

Sun, 02 Jan 2022 22:14:03 GMT

The winning formula: S.M.A.R.T. goals + accountability [bonus video!]

Reluctant to set New Year's resolutions? You should be! According to research from U.S. News & World Reports, 80% of New Year's resolutions fail.

Not very encouraging, is it? Don't despair. There is hope. It's all about the winning formula: S.M.A.R.T. goals + accountability.

Watch the Video

Step 1. Get S.M.A.R.T. with Your Goals

The first step is to formulate your resolution with a common-sense strategy like S.M.A.R.T. goals. This will hone your wish into an actionable plan. Here it is:

S pecific: Instead of "get in shape," say, "go to the gym three times a week."
M easurable: Track your progress. Is it blocked out on your calendar?
A chievable: Is it a fantasy, or can you actually achieve it?
R elevant: If it's not urgent or important, it won't drive you.
T imely: When will you start, and when will it be done? Set deadlines.

Great, now you've clarified your resolution. Most people don't do this. Your chances of success just increased.

But even with a clear plan, most New Year's resolutions still fizzle out by mid February. To ensure your resolution becomes reality, you need accountability.

Step 2. Social Accountability

Leverage your innate human tendency for social approval . Use this social hard-wiring to your advantage. How? Create a social accountability network. You're much more likely to stick to your resolution if others are counting on you.

Want to join a gym? Rope in a few friends to join up with you. Double down on your resolution by enlisting a personal trainer. Balking at the price? Think about how good you'll feel as you get in shape.

Want to learn a new language? Sign up for a class, get a tutor, and book a flight to Mexico. Tell all your friends about your plan.

Getting the picture? The more accountability linked to your resolution, the better. Social approval is the carrot, letting people down is the stick.

Step 3. Fail Until You Succeed

Daunted by all the pressure? Afraid of letting people down? Good! You'll be less likely to quit and more likely to succeed.

A caveat: You will get off track. That's normal and okay. The key is getting back on track after you "fail." Pick yourself up and recommit to your goal.

Skipped a day at the gym? Broke your diet? Don't give up. Tell your social accountability network. Let them encourage you. And if they get off track on their goal, you can encourage them. Be a shining example of progress, not perfection.

By the way, make sure to frequently look at the "R" (Relevant) in your in your S.M.A.R.T. plan. Remind yourself of WHY you made your resolution, and HOW GOOD it feels to continue to commit to your resolution.

Persistence Pays Off

Look, starting a new habit is hard. For everyone. Expect to disappoint yourself numerous times before your New Year's resolution actually sticks. A study by the European Journal of Social Psychology says after about two months it will get easier.

So, in summary, set S.M.A.R.T. goals, add as much social accountability as possible, and be persistent. This winning formula can help you turn your New Year's resolutions into reality. You can do it!

Need to talk to someone about your holiday stress? Check out my anxiety therapy services .

Are You in Denial? Here's How to Stop

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Mon, 01 Nov 2021 03:06:21 GMT

4 Types of Denial and the 3-Step Method to Defeat Them

Do you engage in denial? If so, welcome to the club.

Everybody uses denial. A little bit of denial here and there is normal, but too much keeps you stuck in your problems.

In this blog post, we'll look at four common types of denial and how to defeat them.

Watch the Video: In Denial? Here's How to Stop

Denial is a Defense Mechanism

Denial is one of the most common defense mechanisms. Put simply, defense mechanisms are a way to avoid pain.

Denial ranges from the mundane, like a teenager “forgetting" to take out the trash, to more severe behaviors like ignoring a major health diagnosis.

In both of these examples, denial helps avoid pain, but only temporarily. Eventually, things must be dealt with, whether we like it or not. Pain now, or pain later.

But usually the pain, i.e. the problem we need to deal with, is not that painful once we start handling it. It's the anticipation of the pain that we fear, and denial is our go-to painkiller.

Denial in Action

Let's look at denial in action by inventing a character named Bill, a successful executive. Bill gets paid handsomely, but works long hours to meet the demands of his job.

Over the past year, more and more demands have been placed on Bill. He feels stressed out, resentful, and trapped. What's more, he and his wife are having problems in their marriage because of his work schedule.

Weekends provide a bit of relief for Bill. Between answering emails, he is able to squeeze in some exercise and catch up on his sleep. This brief recovery allows Bill to stay in denial and say to himself, “It’s not that bad." Then on Monday the cycle starts all over again.

Bill has been managing this vicious cycle for a while, but now he and his wife are starting to argue.

“The kids never see you. You're always working." Bill's wife exclaims. "You're so stressed out. Why don't you look for another job?"

"The pay is really good, plus I have stock options" Bill says. "And besides, I don't have time to look for another job."

Bill’s denial keeps him from dealing with the issue, but it’s stressing the relationship with his wife. Eventually he's going to have to face the music, or face some serious consequences.

If you were Bill's friend, you might want to shake him and say, "You're in denial! Listen to your wife!"

But denial is powerful. Bill might get defensive if you push too hard. Remember, denial serves a purpose. It's a way to avoid pain.

What if there was a way to help Bill face his denial? Some strategies perhaps?

Below are four types of denial that keep people stuck, followed by a simple three-step strategy to defeat them.

Four Types of Denial

Denial comes in many disguises. Aside from simple denial (total rejection of reality), here are four of the most common types.

1. Minimizing. On weekends, when our overworked executive Bill is more relaxed, he fools himself by minimizing how stressed out he is. "It's not that bad" he says.

2. Rationalization. Bill focuses on positive aspects of his job, and ignores the negatives. When talking with his wife, he brings up his salary and stock options as a way to obscure the fact that he’s stressed and growing distant from his family.

3. Excuses. Bill would start looking for another job, but says he doesn’t have the time. Certainly he’s busy, but if he really wanted to he could find the time. He's using denial to avoid the pain of looking for new job.

4. Procrastination. In an effort to reduce conflict with his wife, Bill could say, “I know I should look for another job. I’ll start tomorrow." Again, Bill avoids pain, but only temporarily.

Do you want to learn how to stop procrastinating? Check out my post Pre-crastination, the Antidote to Procrastination

How to Stop Denial – 3 Simple Steps

So, how to defeat denial? Here’s a simple three-step method. Let's see how our friend Bill could do it.

Step 1. Tell the Truth. Bill finally looks himself in the mirror and admits how much he dislikes his job. He weighs the pros and cons: the temporary relief of denial versus his ongoing stress and the strain on his family.

Step 2. Forgiveness. Bill realizes he’s human. It’s normal to use denial to avoid pain. He doesn't overly criticize himself for doing this. Instead, he looks at his situation as an opportunity for positive change and growth.

Step 3. One Small Action. Bill doesn't need to find a job right away. He decides to work on his resume for a few minutes every day. He takes little actions, baby steps. He gets the ball rolling. Soon he has an updated resume and he's one step closer to finding a new job. His stress level goes down, and he feels empowered.

Conclusion

So, is there something that you are in denial about?

My suggestion is to choose one small thing that you're in denial about, then use my three simple steps.

The key (and I can't stress this enough) is to forgive yourself for using denial in the first place. After all, you're human and you don't like pain. So please, don't blame yourself, just let it go and welcome the opportunity to face your fear and solve your problem.

If you take just a little bit of action, that's a victory. Keep going, stacking small victory after small victory, and soon your denial will be just a river in Egypt. ��

Want to have to have less denial and more momentum in your life? Check out my post 5 Ways to Play Offense in Life

Need inspiration? Check out my High Performance Podcast

5 Ways to Play More Offense in Life

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Sat, 02 Oct 2021 23:39:57 GMT

Here are 5 simple ways to lean into the challenges of life and create positive momentum.

The Best Defense is a Good Offense

This quote is often attributed to George Washington, although others suggest it comes from famous football coach Knute Rockne.

The premise here is that in sports, as in war, a strong offense will knock the enemy on its heels. For our discussion here, the "enemy" is anxiety and depression.

Now, because you are human, you will experience anxious and depressive moods. That's just normal.

So, acknowledge anxiety and depression, then shift to offense and take positive actions. Your “enemies” will be left confused with this new strategy, and you'll have more energy to solve your problems.

By the way, when I say anxiety and depression, I'm not using these terms in the clinical sense. I'm referring to the typical symptoms that pretty much everyone feels, as opposed to diagnoses.

Watch the Video: 5 Ways to Play More Offense in Life

Offense, Defense and the History of Anxiety and Depression

A long time ago, in hunter-gatherer societies, anxiety and depression were adaptive. Anxiety kept people vigilant, away from harm. And depression was a signal for social support. For example, a tribe might have consoled a depressed individual whose mate just got killed in a tiger attack.

Anxiety and depression were adaptive back then. They were survival responses in the context of living in a dangerous environment. Food was scarce, and you might get eaten by a predator.

Today, depression and anxiety need to be re-examined in the context of modern life. A contemporary "tiger" might be an email or news headline. Less dangerous, but still stressful.

It's important to say here that anxiety and depression are normal human reactions, nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, a little anxiety can help you focus and stay alert. A little depression can allow others to help you in a time of need.

But chronic anxiety and depression is maladaptive, it doesn't serve you. That's why you need to self-intervene and go on offense. You need to lean into the things that caused the anxiety and depression in the first place.

Learn more about my approach to addressing anxiety on my Anxiety Therapy page .

The Approach-Avoidance Conflict

In psychology there’s a concept called the Approach-Avoidance Conflict. This occurs when the positive and negative outcomes of a decision produce indecision.

Let's say you want to start your own business. On the one hand, you're excited about working for yourself. On the other hand, you're anxious that your business might fail. While you want to approach the issue, you also want to avoid it. There's a conflict. And if left unresolved, it produces anxiety and depression.

Maybe you're anxious about having a hard conversation with a family member. Avoiding the issue will likely cause even more anxiety. But finally having that conversation, in a positive and productive way, alleviates anxiety.

Maybe you're feeling depressed about your job. Avoiding your feelings may work in the short-term. You can always grab some beers on Friday night, right? But the solution that actually solves the problem is to approach it, to find the courage to face the reasons why you’re feeling depressed.

I'm not saying this is easy, believe me, I've been depressed before. But going on offense and taking positive action will kick negativity to the curb.

Okay, ready to play some offense? Let’s go!

5 Strategies to Create Momentum by Playing Offense

These five strategies can help you create positive momentum, and keep feelings of anxiety and depression at bay.

1. Eat the Frog First

Mark Twain once said, “Eat a live frog every morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.” Of course he didn't mean literally eating a frog. The proverbial frog here is doing the thing that you dread, that thing that will be painful now but pay off in the long run.

One way to do this is to make a "frog list" where the night before you write down one "frog" to "eat" the next morning. Some common frogs are exercising, paying a bill, starting your taxes, or initiating a difficult conversation.

Once you get used to tackling the hard thing first, you build your action-taking muscles and procrastination begins to atrophy. Of course one of the biggest things that perpetuates anxiety is procrastination.

Read more about ending procrastination on my blog, Pre-crastination, the Antidote to Procrastination.

2. Wake up Earlier

Nothing fuels anxiety like waking up late. You're instantly stressed, cortisol floods your body, and you start dwelling on your problems.

Why not give yourself a break and wake up earlier. Not only will you be less rushed, but you'll tell yourself on a subconscious level that you are in control, that you are getting a jump on the day.

Try getting up just 30 minutes earlier in the morning and watch your anxiety levels drop. One caveat here is that you will also need to go to bed 30 minutes earlier!

Learn more about morning routines by watching my video, Morning Routine for Success | Get Your Mind SET in 5 Minute s.

3. Power Postures

You may have heard about the research that's been done on the benefits of enacting a power posture.

Have you ever done something really difficult and felt great afterwards? How do you stand? That's right, you hold your head high. That's your body mirroring your mood.

The cool thing is that you can hack in the other way. You can make your mind follow your body.

Here's what you do: every night before you go to bed, and every morning when you wake up, strike a powerful pose.

Think of how Superman or Wonder Woman stands when they feel undaunted. Head high, chest out, hands on hips, a wide stance. Power and positivity; no room for negativity.

Keep doing this and you’ll short-circuit those default evening and morning grumpy moods.

4. One Small Action

Perhaps you've heard of analysis-paralysis?

It's when you need to make a decision but you get stuck in overthinking. The keyword here is "stuck." The more you think, the more indecisive and stuck you get.

The way out of this trap is to take action, however small, to get the ball rolling.

Let's say you need to send an important email but you don't know what to say. You've been putting it off and it's stressing you out.

Instead of tackling the whole thing at once, start an email draft. Then schedule two 15-minute time slots every day to work on it. Don't worry about punctuation and grammar. Little by little, you'll get it done.

Make it a regular habit to take micro-actions proactively on those daunting tasks you need to handle.

5. You Are a Gift

Think of yourself as a gift to the world. Your unique talents, your personality, your work ethic, your sense of humor… whatever it is, these things need to be shared with the world on a regular basis.

One of the quickest ways out of feeling anxious or depressed is to connect with others, to offer your help and encouragement.

Here's a couple of ways to keep yourself juiced with positive energy while also helping others:

Try sending an "appreciation text" to a friend. You could say something like, "Hey, just thinking of you, hope you're doing great!"

Give verbal compliments more often. Complement your coworkers, praise your kids, tell your neighbor their yard looks nice.

Do volunteer work. It doesn't have to be a big time commitment. It can be once a month. Volunteer at a soup kitchen, the public library, or an animal shelter.

In Conclusion

Hopefully you're feeling a sense of momentum just by reading this blog post.

You see, taking positive action, approaching rather than avoiding, getting a jump on the day, doing the hard thing first… all of these are what's called playing offense.

Playing offense means you are the creator of your life as opposed to the reactor. It's much more interesting and rewarding than playing defense. And it starts with you taking just a little bit of action.

Interested in learning how counseling can help you create momentum in your life? Learn more about my counseling services at CeelyCounseling.com

Reduce Anxiety with the Observer Mind

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Wed, 15 Sep 2021 22:58:24 GMT

Use this powerful technique to reduce stress and get perspective.

What is the observer mind? Is it some mystical state that only a buddhist monk can attain?

Absolutely not! The observer mind is a simple, yet powerful technique that's been used for centuries to reduce stress, cultivate focus, and increase overall happiness.

In this article, you'll learn about the observer mind and how cognitive behavioral therapy can help you take control of your thinking.

Watch the Video: The Observer Mind

Caught Up in Your Thoughts?

Ever get so caught up in your thoughts that you forgot why you walked into a room? If you're like most humans, the answer is yes.

Look, thoughts are a wonderful thing. We use them to understand complex situations, solve problems, and have intellectual conversations.

But thoughts can also make us miserable. If we let our thoughts take over, we might convince ourselves that the reason our friend hasn't texted us back is because they hate us.

In short, we can master our thoughts, or they can master us. Would you like to have more control over your thoughts? Read on...

Most Thoughts are Automatic

Most thoughts happen so quickly you don't even realize it. These are what are known as automatic thoughts.

Some automatic thoughts are helpful. If you’re driving, you don't analyze why you need stop at a red light. You don't have time. You just stop.

Other automatic thoughts are not so helpful. Let’s take the earlier example of your friend not texting you back, and let’s say it’s been a day and they still haven’t responded. One automatic thought might be that they're ignoring you.

While that's possible, maybe there's another explanation. Maybe your friend is busy, maybe they turned off the notifications on their phone - there's a bunch of other possibilities.

The Observer Mind, Easy as A-B-C

The first step in cultivating the observer mind is to understand that we all have automatic thoughts. The second step is to observe the actual thought process.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) explains the process like this: an activating event (A) happens, you have a belief (B) about the event, which causes a consequence (C). The consequence is an emotion, a thought, or an action.

The same activating event can have two completely different consequences, depending on the person. An unexpected thunder shower might cause a bicyclist to curse at the heavens, while a farmer might shed tears joy that his crops finally got some needed rain.

So it's not the event itself that's good or bad, it's your belief about the event that makes it seem good, bad, or somewhere in between.

By observing the A-B-C chain reaction that ultimately leads to a conclusive thought (e.g. rain is bad; rain is good), you can begin to “un-automate” your thinking.

Returning to the example of your friend not texting you back, let's look at the thinking process:

Activating event (A) = my friend hasn't texted me back yet.
Belief (B) = they're ignoring me.
Consequence (C) = I’m mad at them.

If you take the perspective of the observer, you can see how limiting this thought process is. Left unexamined, you might convince yourself that this is the truth.

The A-B-C model and cognitive behavioral therapy is especially effective in treating anxiety. Learn more about my services for anxiety issues here: anxiety therapy.

Give Yourself Some Grace

Automatic thou ghts are normal, and at times quite advantageou s. They're part of being human.

The purpose of developing your observer mind is to intervene on yourself when your thoughts are not advantageous.

How to intervene? Practice watching your thoughts. The more you do this, the more you can step in and nip those irrational thoughts in the bud.

Promote Yourself to a Higher Rank

Your heart beats without you thinking about it. Your brain works the same way. It generates thoughts automatically s o that you don't have to, so that you can get stuff done quickly.

When you drive your car, you do it almost automatically. You cruise down the road listening to music, thinking about something totally different than driving.

But when there's a lot of traffic, you pay closer attention, grip the steering wheel tighter, and engage your conscious mind. You are no longer the "autopilot" of your car. You are the real pilot, conscious and aware.

You can do the same thing with your thinking. You can promote yourself to a higher rank. Instead of being on autopilot with your thoughts, you can be the captain, in control of your own " plane."

Of course the observer mind doesn't have to constantly be "on duty ." You can switch it on or off as needed.

When do you need it? Well, when the ride gets bumpy... when there are stressful activating events in your life.

Let's take a personal example...

The Stressed-Out Teacher

Mr. Ceely was once a stressed-out teacher. That's right, I used to be a high school Spanish teacher, and the first year was tough. I had five classes per day, with about 30 students in each class. After work, I took classes to finish my credential, then went home and did lesson pla ns and corrected homework.

Fortunately my classes were running pretty smoothly . All of them except for one. This class had a very smart, charismatic young man who frequently interrupted me. Let's call this student "Charisma." To say he stressed me out would be an understatement.

My daily thought process would go like this:

Activating event (A) = Charisma talks while I'm talking.
Belief (B) = Charisma doesn't respect me.
Consequence (C) = I get angry at Charisma and lose my patience.

It wasn't until I slowed down my thought process that I understood where Charisma was coming from.

Charisma wasn't disrespecting me, in fact, it wasn't about me at all. It was about him simply wanting to talk with his friend during class.

I had been caught up in my own ego, taking things personally. When I promoted myself to the observer, it was a huge relief. Instead of being angry at Charisma, I simply deducted participation points to dissuade him from talking.

Charisma sensed that I was calmer, and slowly our power struggle diffused itself.

Your Reactions as a Reminder

The observer mind was a game changer with Charisma, but it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows with him. I still lost my patience with him from time to time.

I learned to forgive myself for reacting. In fact, my very reaction would wake me up and snap me back into observer mode.

Here's how that process went:

Activating event (A) = Charisma interrupts me.
Consequence (C) = I get angry, lose my patience… then observe my reaction.
Belief (B) = I remind myself that it's not about me.
New consequence (C) = I calm down and handle the situation.

Notice how I initially went from the Activating event (A) directly to the Consequence (C), while skipping right past the Belief (B). But hey, no problem, I just used my reaction as a reminder to slow down, breathe, and handle things calmly.

How to Practice Your New Observer Role

You can practice being the observer every day, in real life situations. Cut yourself some slack though, because you're working with a brain (your brain) that has been conditioned to automatically think certain thoughts.

To practice being the observer you can proactively choose situations ahead of time. For example, you might decide to observe your thinking process before you open an important email. Take out a sheet of paper and write down your A-B-C reaction when you read the email. Don't judge yourself. Just slow down, observe, and take notes.

Another way to practice the observer mind is through meditation. You can start with just five minutes a day. Set a timer, put it out of sight, then sit down and wait for your brain to generate thoughts. Then observe them and let them drift on by, knowing that if they're important, they'll come back to you later.

Consider the observer mind like a different level of consciousness, not higher or lower, just different. Like when you're playing a sport, you’re at a particular level of of consciousness - you're "in the zone" - and your brain doesn't have time to think, you're just doing.

When you're sitting alone, you're at another level. Your brain has plenty of time to think, so it generates automatic thoughts. But you can step into observer mode and watch the thoughts pop up and drift away.

Ultimately, you are not your thoughts. As the saying goes, don't believe everything you think!

Conclusion

Remember, the human brain is wired for survival. It serves us well when it serves us. But when it doesn't, that's when we intervene.

Just like the heart produces heartbeats, the brain produces automatic thoughts. Don't take them too personally. Notice them, observe them, and let go of any judgment.

The ultimate purpose of the observer mind is to prevent you from getting caught up in the drama of challenging events. The observer mind gives you perspective, and can save you from a lot of unnecessary stress.

Try practicing the A-B-C model on paper, and then in your daily life, picking and choosing situations you might want to observe. You can also try a little bit of meditation. Like any skill, the observer mind becomes stronger the more you exercise it.

If you want to learn more about the A-B-C model and cognitive behavioral therapy, you can check out my blog, The ABCs of CBT. In the meantime, happy observing!

If you have questions about cognitive behavioral therapy, or are considering counseling, feel free to reach out and schedule your free phone consultation today.

Stop Watching the News | One Day Challenge

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Wed, 01 Sep 2021 13:00:13 GMT

The news is designed to stress you out! Take a BREAK and take BACK your mental health. (plus bonus video!)

The News is Addictive

Addiction comes in many forms. From the obvious like alcohol, to the subtle, like people-pleasing , shopping sprees, and watching the news.

“Wait, watching the news… that's not an addiction?" you might protest, "I mean, I need to stay informed!"

By the strictest definition, addiction is anything you can't abstain from (aside from food, water and sleep).

So, what's the longest you've gone without watching the news? A week? A day?

For most people, watching (or reading) the news is a daily habit, just like eating. And just like food, news comes in different flavors, with different levels of nutritional value.

The old style of news, back in the Walter Cronkite days , was more or less objective.

Today, objectivity has been replaced by editorialized opinions spoon-fed to us by pundits vying for our attention.

And the best way to get your attention is to create urgency, outrage, and anxiety. Intense negative emotions can become addictive, and the news media companies know this.

The News is Bad for Your Health

There's no "good news channel." The news is almost always bad. And this causes stress.

Let's talk about two types of stress, good stress and bad stress.

Good stress, sometimes referred to as eustress , are things like public speaking or meeting a deadline at work. Essentially, anxiety-provoking activities that you have control over.

Bad stress refers to things that cause anxiety, but where you have much less control. Things like war, politics, and the economy..

All stress produces cortisol, a hormone produced by the adrenal glands to inspire you to take action. When you're stressed, you feel like there's something you need to do.

If it’s good stress, you can dissipate the cortisol by taking action. If it's bad stress, like watching the news, the cortisol stays in your body, because there's no immediate action you can take to solve the problem.

And if you watch the news day after day, cortisol and other stress hormones begin to back up in your body, causing chronic anxiety.

Learn more how therapy can help reduce anxiety. Check out my anxiety therapy page.

The News is Negative Energy

Think of the news as a stimulus, or a type of energy. Typically, the news is negative, because that's what gets people's attention.

Think of yourself as a receiver of energy. Generally speaking, the type of energy that is sent your way elicits in you a predictable response.

That's why very few people who watch the news feel happy afterwards.

You can try to be unaffected by the news, and this works to varying degrees.

Another way to feel less stress is to simply eliminate the anxiety-producing stimulus.

That's right, you have permission to not watch the news! Really, you do. If anything really serious happens in the world, you'll hear about it, don't worry.

Watch the Video: The No-News Challenge!

My Suffering and My Solution

The inspiration for this post comes from suffering. My suffering, to be specific. You see, recently, I got caught up watching the news and noticed some negative thought spirals. Learn more about thought spirals on my post Take Control of Negative Thinking

Luckily I was able to catch myself in this negativity, but I was surprised at how easily I got baited. This led me to realize how tempting and how powerful the news media is.

Even after realizing this, I still had a strong compulsion to watch the news. I was addicted and something had to be done.

So, I decided it was time for an intervention and I said to myself, "no more news; I'm going cold turkey." It was the only way for me to break free from the addictive grip of the news.

For three days I didn't watch the news. It was difficult, but I did it. This cleared my head and got rid of the stress hormones in my body, because I removed the source of anxiety.

What's more, I proved to myself that I could resist temptation. I skipped the news and I lived to tell about it.

Your Solution: The News Challenge

So, would you like to break your addiction to the news? The best way to do it is to prove to yourself that you can. If you can stop for a day, it means you're in control.

Here are seven strategies to set you up for success for your one-day news challenge:

1. Prepare the night before. Use the following strategies but get them all lined up the night before. That way you won't fall into your usual news watching routine.

2. Have a mantra. Say, "just for today." Repeat this throughout your one-day news challenge to keep you on track.

3. Create barriers. Unplug your TV. Put a sheet over it. Do something to make it more difficult to start watching the news.

4. Use a Post-it. That's right, put a Post-it on all of your TV screens that says "no news today!" With a bit of willpower, this can be enough to keep you from watching the news.

5. Hide your news apps on your phone. This is pretty easy to do and creates an "out of sight out of mind" situation.

6. Get the whole family involved. If you're married, or have kids, make the news challenge a family affair. Get everyone to hold each other accountable.

7. Use self-discipline. Even with all the strategies I've outlined, an enticing video or other click-bait might tempt you. Resist it.

After you complete your one-day challenge, make it a habit to reduce your news to maybe just a few times a week. Remember, if something important happens, you'll hear about it.

PS: If any of you still read newspapers, "not watching the news" means not reading the newspaper too!

The Right Not to Be Stressed

I know it might sound too good to be true, but you have the right not to be stressed out.

You don't have to keep up on the latest news. You don't have to harbor a sense of outrage. You don't have to be hypervigilant.

You can... focus on your own life, your own neighborhood, your own friends, your family, your fitness, your health, wealth, and well-being.

I invite you to try the one-day news challenge. Take a day off, then take another day off. It might just get to be a habit!

If you enjoyed this post, you might be interested in my post on reprogramming your mind for positivity. Read more here: Brainwash Yourself: The Conscious Choice to Reprogram Your Mind

Choose Purpose Over Pleasure for Better Mental Health

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Mon, 16 Aug 2021 15:45:02 GMT

Audit your habits and retrain your brain to seek out purpose-driven activities.

We've all been there: it's time for bed but we watch "just one more episode" on Netflix, or indulge in a late snack because we "deserve it."

Don't get me wrong, these types of activities are fine in moderation, but too many people spend way too much time thinking they "need" and "deserve" to indulge themselves when they could be doing something more interesting that benefits them long-term.

What if you trained yourself to get pleasure out of doing more productive, purpose-driven activities?

In this article, I'll show you how to move beyond your perceived need for indulgence and retrain your brain to seek purposeful activities that help you to grow as a person.

Watch the Video: Choose Purpose Over Pleasure

Don't Play the Short Game

Before cell phones and television, before all of our modern day temptations, people read books, wrote in their journals, and spent more time talking to each other.

People were only able to indulge in a short list of activities, most of which were growth-oriented. This was normal, and people accepted this because there were no other options.

Today, the average person watches 450 hours of commercials each year, which adds up to a whopping total of four years during an average lifetime. And that's just commercials. Total lifetime television watching is about nine years!

Now, what do all those commercials tell you? That's right, that you're not enough, that you need "relief," and that you should play the "short game" and seek instant gratification.

Choose the Long Game Instead

So you see, you've been programmed to play the short game, to believe that purposeful activities are burdensome and boring.

But what if you could reprogram yourself to enjoy purpose over pleasure? Imagine enjoying a deep sense of satisfaction from enriching yourself with purpose-driven activities.

Activities like going to the gym, reading books, writing a letter to a friend, meditating, learning a foreign language - things that give you satisfaction instead of fleeting pleasure.

Would you like more purpose-driven activities in your life? Or do you want to stick with the familiar short-term, pleasurable activities that are just an end unto themselves?

What if I told you that you could have it all? That's right, you could get the satisfaction of a purpose-driven life while also partaking (with moderation) in pleasurable indulgences.

Remember the 90-10 Rule

The solution is the 90-10 Rule: choose purpose-driven activities 90% of the time. The other 10% is for those guilty indulgences. This is a sustainable model.

You see, completely eliminating indulgences can backfire. Your old programming becomes resentful and says, "I'm tired of purpose-driven activities. Damnit, I'm gonna binge-watch Netflix. I deserve it!" Before you know it, you've reverted back to the old pleasure-seeking mode.

You don't have to track your 90-10 ratio on a spreadsheet, just approximate it. You can do this with simple clock time. There's about sixteen waking hours in a day, so an hour of Netflix is 1/16 of that or 6.25% of your day. The percentages add up quickly, right?

So now as a therapist, I might ask you, how does this make you feel? Cheated? Resentful? Those are normal reactions to not indulging in your usual pleasure-driven activities. It's kind of like when a kid gets told that they can't have any dessert. But you're an adult. Do you really "need" to watch yet another lame episode of some drama-filled TV series? Get a life. A purpose-driven life!

The Purpose-Driven Life: How to Stay on the Path

Besides the 90-10 Rule, here are five strategies that will keep you on the path toward a more purpose-driven lifestyle.

1. Put limits on your cell phone. That's right, your phone needs limits, so that you're not tempted to stare mindlessly at that little screen. Don't look at your phone for the first 30 minutes of the day and put it away in another room at least an hour before you go to bed. Never have it at your bedside.

2. Bring out your books. Create productive temptations. Plant books around your house so that you'll read them instead of turning on your TV.

3. Exercise every morning. Exercise produces a potent cocktail of feel-good chemicals that help you focus and avoid cravings to seek out pleasure.

4. Your role models are watching you. Think about your grandparents, or your favorite school teacher, or the Greek philosophers, or any sort of role model who would smile at your purpose-driven activities. Imagine them watching you.

5. Time is precious. Think of your life like sand drifting through an hourglass. We all have a limited time on this planet. Few people on their deathbed say, "I wish I would've watched a lot more TV."

Purpose Over Pleasure: The One-Day Challenge

If committing to a purpose-driven lifestyle seems daunting, then try a test run. For one day pretend that you have a pair of magic "purpose glasses." Pretend that the glasses automatically label activities as either "purpose" or "pleasure."

Spend one day viewing the world through the lenses of these glasses. Seek purpose over pleasure for a full day.

For example, you might feel the compulsion to watch TV, but instead you decide to read a chapter in a self-help book.

Make these kinds of choices and see how you feel after a day. You might feel a sense of accomplishment or pride.

You might even start to notice that your purposeful activities are actually pleasurable. Now wouldn't that be something?

So give it a try. Take the one-day challenge and choose purpose.

Want more challenges? Try my no-news challenge. Read more about it on my blog post Stop Watching the News - One Day Challenge .

Indulging in pleasurable activities can be a form of anxiety avoidance. If you're interested in finding better ways to manage anxiety, feel free to check out my anxiety therapy services .

On Simone Biles' Decision to Drop Out of the Olympics

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Thu, 29 Jul 2021 23:32:45 GMT

Athletes and Mental Health. What the media got wrong about Simone Biles' decision to drop out of the Olympics.

There has been a lot of press about Simone Biles, arguably the greatest gymnast ever, who just bowed out of the Olympics, citing mental health challenges.

Unfortunately, but predictably, the media has either celebrated or condemned her actions, while misinterpreting her statements and overlooking her reason for quitting.

Watch the Video: Athletes & Mental Health

Simone Biles: Celebrated and Condemned

On the one hand, the media is celebrating Simone for prioritizing her mental health, with some calling her decision to drop out "incredibly brave."

On the other hand, she is being condemned for being "selfish" and "a shame to the country."

Neither opinion is correct. Simone is not a shame to the country, nor is her decision to drop out incredibly brave. Simone simply had no choice but to quit. The stress had built up so much that she cracked, and this should be neither celebrated nor condemned.

Simone had a case of the twisties, a physical disorientation that gymnasts sometimes experience under extreme stress. So for her to continue would have been dangerous and could have led to a very serious injury. Dropping out was the right decision.

The Media Pounces on Simone Biles

It’s what Simone said at the press conference (after dropping out of the team event) that the media pounced on:

“I say put mental health first. Because if you don't, then you're not going to enjoy your sport and you're not going to succeed as much as you want to. So it's OK sometimes to even sit out the big competitions to focus on yourself, because it shows how strong of a competitor and person that you really are — rather than just battle through it.”

The media took her statement and ran with it, with both fawning praise, and ignorant condemnation.

On the praiseful side, The Washington Post put out an article titled, Rooting for Simone Biles means recognizing the greatness in her decision to step back.

The Post articles amplifies the wrong message. There certainly is no "greatness" in quitting. There can be prudence in quitting, but not greatness.

On the other end of the spectrum, talk show host Charlie Kirk condemns Simone's decision, going so far as to call her a "selfish sociopath.”

But the media's hyperbolic rhetoric misses the mark. The real reason why Simone quit was for her own safety. Having a case of the twisties could lead to a serious fall, and a serious injury. For her to continue would have been foolish. Period.

She wasn't being brave, and she wasn't being selfish.

Words, Intent, and Context

Another mistake the media made was to take out of context Simone's statement at the press conference where she says that it's okay to skip big c ompetitions.

Simone's words here need to be connected in context to the first part of her statement where she says: “I say put mental health first. Because if you don't... you're not going to succeed as much as you want to."

What Simone meant, I believe, is that if an athlete is already feeling burned out, already suffering from serious anxiety or depression, that it's "okay to sit out the big competitions" in order to, as she says, "succeed as much as you want to" in the long run.

But the media loves to take things out of context. Simone was not advocating quitting just because the going gets tough, rather, she was saying that mental health is a huge factor in the success of any athlete and it should be prioritized, so that athletes don't have to quit.

Watch what Simone says at the press conference here: Simone Biles speaks after withdrawing from gymnastics finals.

A Lesson for Athletes (and non-athletes)

Simone's decision to drop out of the Olympics brings up a question we should all be asking: how can athletes (and non-athletes) mentally prepare proactively, before big competitions (or other challenging events), so that they don't have to drop out?

It might be helpful to think of an athlete’s mental health like a thermometer. There is an optimum temperature in which the athlete performs at their best. The more external stressors that are added, the more the temperature rises, and sometimes things can boil over.

The key is to be mindful of all of your stressors, from your sport to your personal life to the world situation at large.

Stressors Stacking Up?

I believe that Simone had too many stressors that were stacking up.

One thing the media is not talking about enough is the mental stress of the Olympics' strict Covid protocols. Any athlete who tests positive for Covid is not allowed to compete and is placed into isolation.

Olympic alternate gymnast Kara Eaker tested positive during the team’s Tokyo training camp, which certainly added to Simone’s (and her team's) anxiety. Would they get sick? Would they get kicked out of the Olympics?

Another big stress factor was the postponing of the 2020 games. Hopes were dashed and uncertainty prevailed. Perhaps Simone was suffering lingering effects of the postponement.

Simone also said that leading up to the Olympic finals she was feeling “the weight of the world” on her shoulders.

There were other variables which may have contributed to Simone's stress. Another quote from her at the press conference:

“I think just as a whole, not having an audience, there are a lot of different variables going into it, it's been a long week, it's been a long Olympic process, it's been a long year."

In Conclusion

Aside from my usual frustration with the media, my main message here is that athletes are human, and as such, need to be mindful of the stressors that they take on. Prioritizing mental health, yes, but before things boil over.

Athletics is a beautiful art form and there's nothing wrong with competition. Athletes willingly partake in the challenge of sports and sometimes they surmount obstacles and sometimes they don't.

Quitting is also part of the game (and remember, it is just a game!). But quitting shouldn't be exalted and it shouldn't be admonished.

Let's neither celebrate nor condemn Simone's decision to drop out of the Olympics. She did the right thing to avoid injury. It's unfortunate, she's disappointed, and she's still a great champion.

Bonus: How to Prioritize Your Mental Health - 6 Ways

I would be remiss in my blog if I didn't offer some solutions following my (hopefully helpful) analysis.

So, what are some ways for athletes (and non-athletes!) to prioritize their mental health so that they don't have to quit? Here are some simple yet effective ways:

1. Keep a journal. Getting your thoughts onto paper is one of the best ways to assess your mental health. Things that you normally sweep under the rug will come up, and you can address them.

2. Don't isolate yourself. Under stress, a lot of people isolate themselves. They don't want to burden their friends with their problems, or they feel embarrassed that they are not "strong enough." Reach out to your friends and family.

3. Take a vacation. This might seem obvious, but even a small weekend getaway can freshen up your mindset and give you perspective.

4. Watch for symptoms. Depression and anxiety have physiological symptoms. Sleep disturbances, appetite changes and tense muscles are just a few things to watch for. Don't ignore symptoms.

5. Get it off your chest. If something's really bothering you, it's usually better to talk about it than keep it to yourself. Lean on a trusted friend, or talk to a counselor.

6. Schedule breaks. Just like muscles need rest after a hard workout, so too does the mind need a break. Don't just wait until you're not busy, actually schedule breaks during your day.

Hopefully this list helps you prioritize your mental health. If Olympic athletes can do it, so can you.

Are you an athlete interested in counseling? Check out my page counseling for athletes .

Okay, everyone be well! �� ❤️

Discipline or Regret? How to Have More Willpower

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Sun, 18 Jul 2021 01:35:36 GMT

Discipline weighs ounces, but regret weighs tons. Here are 3 tricks to delay gratification and make better choices.

Discipline weighs OUNCES, regret weighs TONS.

Think about that the next time you take the easy way out when you know you should be doing the right thing.

An example is hitting the snooze button in the morning. You opt for a few extra minutes of sleep, but then you’re running late and stressed out. You regret getting up late, but the next day you do it all over again.

Does this sound like you? If it does, don't feel bad, most people struggle with discipline.

In this post, I'm going show you how to STOP hitting the “snooze button” in all areas of your life and START using discipline to your advantage.

Watch the Video: Discipline or Regret

The Pleasure Principle

Giving in to pleasure is not your fault. You're human and you’re wired that way.

Seeking pleasure made sense on an evolutionary level, when our ancestors lived a more day-to-day existence. Back then, nobody felt guilty about eating between meals or sleeping in. You did what you could to get through the day.

But today we have to adapt and outsmart all the modern-day pleasure temptations, many of which are harmful to us.

Leveraging Pain and Pleasure

Generally speaking, humans respond more to avoiding pain than seeking pleasure. And you can use this to your advantage when deciding to delay gratification.

Let's use the snooze button example again. In that moment of temptation, remind yourself of the all the pain you'll get from sleeping in: feeling stressed out, skipping breakfast, etc.

Conversely, you can remind yourself of all the pleasure you will gain by getting up on time: a more relaxed morning, a greater sense of control, etc.

So, pain and pleasure can be leveraged to your benefit. The following are three techniques to use in those moments when you need to delay gratification and have more discipline.

1. Picture a Scale ⚖️ in Your Mind

The next time you want to procrastinate, skip exercise, or whatever, literally picture a scale in your mind.

On one side of the scale is short-term discipline. On the other side is regret. Which one weighs more? Pretty much 100% of the time it's regret, isn't it?

Regret lasts longer and weighs on you more. So, in your mind's eye, picture the scale tilting. Discipline weighs ounces. Regret weighs tons.

Here's something else to think about: discipline is temporary, and regret is forever. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that you unduly punish yourself with regret. What I'm saying is, remind yourself of the weight of your actions before you make a decision.

2. Use a Timer ⏰ to Defeat Procrastination

Another technique is to use a timer when you want to do something that's not pleasurable in the short-term but will indeed bring you a bigger reward later.

Personally for me, using a timer has been a game changer. I use it to defeat procrastination. I'll set my timer for 10 minutes and start a task I've been putting off.

The timer acts as a stand-in for my willpower. I roll up my sleeves, do the work, and before I know it, the timer beeps and I'm free to do something else.

Learn more about procrastination in my blog post, Pre-crastination, the Antidote to Procrastination.

3. Visualize Your Future Self Getting Results ��

The third technique is to visualize your future self benefiting from your decision to be disciplined.

Let's say that you have a fitness goal which includes going to the gym. One day you wake up and don't feel like going to the gym. You're tired, grumpy, and you rationalize not going.

In that moment, picture yourself in the gym getting strong and fit, getting better posture, and feeling proud of yourself. Focus on all of the pleasure you'll gain. Then, as quickly as you can, without debate, get to the gym. Use this visualization technique for other areas of your life as well.

The power of visualization is huge. Numerous studies point to its benefits.

In Summary

You can get more willpower. Instead of having pain and pleasure use you, you can use them ... to your benefit.

Leverage pain by reminding yourself that discipline weighs ounces and regret weighs tons.

Leverage pleasure by visualizing of all the joy you'll gain from your disciplined decisions.

Mastering one's primal pain-pleasure wiring is not an easy task. In fact, you'll never "master" it, rather, it's an ongoing process of slowly but surely sculpting your discipline �� for greater rewards.

Ten Ways to Get More Confidence

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Thu, 01 Jul 2021 12:30:02 GMT

Keep your self-esteem high with these practical strategies.

Anyone can appear confident on the outside, but it's what's inside that counts.

Don't mistake fake smiles and loud opinions for confidence. Confident people are comfortable in their own skin. They don't worry about impressing others, and are fine if people don't agree with them. Sounds good, right?

So, are you ready to feel more confident? I've assembled my personal top-10 list of ways to get more confidence and keep your self-esteem high. This list was compiled by listening to clients, family and friends, and through my own personal experience.

My hope is that by practicing these attitudes and actions, you too can boost your confidence, reduce stress, and be more comfortable being you.

Watch the Video: How to Get More Confidence

1. Know Your Principles

The first step to getting more confidence is writing down your core principals. List the characteristics that you value and endeavor to practice - things like honesty, being a loyal friend, etc.

Write them down and refer to them regularly. They will be your bedrock when tough situations arise in your career, relationships, and other areas of your life. You'll feel confident knowing that your principles are always there to guide you.

2. Tell the Truth

Tell the truth, especially to yourself. Denial is one of the most popular defense mechanisms people use to handle stress. But denial catches up to you and the truth always comes out.

When you lie to yourself, you lose credibility with yourself, and that erodes self confidence. Be bold enough to look at yourself in the mirror and admit the truth about what's going on in your life, good or bad.

The confident person knows that challenges are inevitable, but also surmountable. As author Marie Forleo says, everything is figureoutable.

3. Get Exercise

Nothing complex here. Exercise produces a host of natural chemicals that boost your confidence.

Morning exercise has been shown in clinical studies to reduce symptoms of depression. Why not start you day with a natural antidepressant?

Your workouts don't have to be long and arduous. Just 20-30 minutes is enough to improve your mood and confidence.

4. Fail Forward

"Fail forward" is one my favorite sayings of actor Will Smith.

The idea behind fail forward is that you never retreat after a defeat. If you fall down, you get up and keep moving forward. Just like a baby learning to walk.

The famous self-help guru Tony Robbins has a question he asks people who are afraid of failure: "how long would you give your average baby to walk before you told him to stop?" Of course the answer is, as many times as necessary! Not walking is not an option.

5. Turn Anxiety into Action

In the same vein as fail forward, confidence comes from taking action instead of worrying.

Sitting around feeling anxious trains you to normalize indecision and doubt. This is not an empowered state.

Taking even a small action toward a solution builds confidence. If you're okay with course correction, then take action. As the saying goes, "A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."

For more on taking action, check out my blog post Action Cures Anxiety.

6. Don't People-Please

Opinions can be unpopular. If you're afraid of other people disapproving of what you think or do, you're in trouble. Your confidence will suffer.

However, if you're truly okay with people not agreeing with you, then your confidence stays intact. You trust yourself to be yourself.

Learn more about people-pleasing on my blog How to Finally Stop Being a People-Pleaser.

7. Don't Always Be Right

As tempting as it is to defend your opinion (especially if you're passionate about it), be open to the other side of the argument.

If your ego is overly invested in winning every argument, you risk damaging your self-esteem when you lose. However, if you care less about being right and more about learning, your confidence remains unscathed.

If you look up the definition of the word argument, nowhere does it mention winning. Perhaps then, the purpose of an argument is not to be right, but to learn.

8. Inspiration, Not Comparison

Comparing yourself to others is dangerous. So much of our society, especially social media, shows the highlights of everyone's life (and not the lowlights).

Seek inspiration from others, but understand that they are imperfect and human just like you.

9. Always Be Learning

Cultivate a student mindset, not an expert mindset.

If your goal is to always be learning, your confidence won't diminish when you find out you're wrong about something. As they say, if you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

Confidence comes from knowing that it's okay not to know. Always be open to learning.

10. Use Empathy

Leveraging empathy can be one of the most powerful skills you learn. If you're having a difficult time dealing with someone, tap into your empathy.

Empathy is not about excusing other people's bad behavior, rather, it's a tool to depersonalize their behavior so you can keep your confidence intact.

Oftentimes, when someone is rude to you, they're acting out an earlier experience in their life. They're in pain and lashing out, and you just happen to be there. Use your empathy and preserve your confidence. Know that their pain has little or nothing to do with you.

Try It Out

If this list resonated with you, go out and try some experiments in the real world.

For example, you could go to your next meeting at work and observe people through an empathy lens. Or you might type up your core principles, buy a nice picture frame, and hang it on your wall.

Ultimately, confidence is not something that you "achieve." Confidence is like a muscle. You need to practice the attitudes and actions that strengthen it.

How to Finally Stop Being a People-Pleaser

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Mon, 14 Jun 2021 20:37:37 GMT

Are you addicted to other people's approval? Learn how set boundaries and be okay with saying no.

Are you tired of being a people-pleaser? Do you feel guilty saying no to people, but then resentful when you're treated like a doormat?

In this post I reveal the driving force behind most people-pleasing behaviors, and show you how to be okay with saying no.

Watch the Video: How to Stop People-Pleasing

The People-Pleasing Pushover

Paul is fed up. He swears this is the "last time" he lets anyone borrow his car.

Paul's neighbor Dave once again returned the car late, didn't call, and didn't even bother to refill the gas. Dave had a litany of excuses: traffic, no parking, he had to pick up his daughter… "Hey bro, I'm sorry, I owe you big time" Dave says with his trademark smile.

Paul tries to muster up the courage to express his true feelings, but instead says, "Well, um, don't worry about it, I mean, you did have to pick up your daughter."

Even as he's uttering his response, Paul knows he's people-pleasing. But he feels powerless. It's like some unseen force took him over and he had to be Mr. Nice Guy. Paul feels angry and confused. "Why do I keep doing this?!" Paul asks.

Can you relate to Paul's predicament? If so, you may be a people-pleaser. Read on...

The Root of People-Pleasing

There are plenty of strategies for reducing people-pleasing, but unless you address the root of the problem, it's very hard to stop.

We could talk about techniques like setting limits, postponing saying yes, and self-respect affirmations. These are all fine, but they don't get to the deeper issue, which is your addiction to other people's approval. This is the driving force behind most people-pleasing behaviors.

Your addiction is driven by the fear that if you say no to someone, they won't like you, or worse, that you're a bad person by saying no. You might even believe that the other person is helpless without your help.

You see, we all enjoy other people's approval. It feels good. But like anything that feels good, it can lead to an addiction.

Okay, enough analysis. Are you ready to stop pleasing-pleasing? Here's how...

The Gift of Personal Responsibility

The way to stop being a people pleaser is to admit that your behavior is selfish. That's right, you think you're being generous, but you're actually being selfish!

You get a rush of pleasure from "helping" other people because it makes you feel needed.

But understand this: your savior complex may be denying the other person the gift of personal responsibility. What's more, your "help" may actually be enabling the other person's needy behavior, preventing them from learning and growing.

So here's the deal: the next time you are tempted to people-please, tell yourself these three things:

I will not be selfish.
I will not enable.
I will not steal their opportunity for growth.

Got a family member who keeps asking for money? Say no. Give them the gift of personal responsibility. Bailing them out just perpetuates their dependent behavior.

Have a coworker who doesn't pull their weight? Stop covering for them. It will allow them to finally step up and take responsibility.

Think back to times in your life where you felt proud about taking responsibility. It felt good, didn't it? Don't deny that same feeling to others.

People-Pleasing is Enabling

The next time someone asks you for a favor, or you feel the itch to volunteer your help, take a breath. Stop. Then ask yourself what your real agenda is. Does the other person actually require help, and if so, why do you need to be the one who's doing the helping?

Will your actions truly help the person in the long run, or are you just enabling them and preventing them from getting their act together?

It's like the old saying goes: Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, and you feed him for life.

Except if you're a people-pleaser, you’ll want to go out and buy the man a fishing pole. And some worms! Don't do it. Just tell the man there's a sale on fishing poles at the local Wal-Mart.

Let It Sink In

This new attitude might seem harsh, simplistic, or maybe you don't buy it at all. But I encourage you to think about it. Let it sink in.

The way to finally stop people-pleasing is to realize you're doing it much more for yourself than for the person you're trying to please. So don't be selfish. Got it? Good!

It takes time to stop people-pleasing. Be patient. With practice you'll start noticing that not people-pleasing is okay. In fact, it's good for everybody. Including you. And you count too.

If you'd like another perspective on people-pleasing and setting boundaries, check out my blog on The Golden Rule, and how it works both ways.

Reduce Stress and Reclaim Your Time with a Digital Detox

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Sun, 16 May 2021 18:33:20 GMT

Addicted to your phone? Here's how to break your device dependency and reclaim your time.

The urgency of the "screen world" can be utterly mesmerizing, robbing you of your precious time.

If you're tired of getting your brain hijacked, this post can help.

I'll show you how to do a digital detox, then give you the strategies to break your device addictions for good.

Addicted? It's Not Your Fault

Overcoming an addiction is not just about willpower. Humans are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain. So if you find it hard to put down your phone and get to work, it's not (entirely) your fault.

The way addictions work is by strengthening the neural pathways in the brain that link pleasure to a particular object, person, or habit.

If you're feeling stressed, that shiny phone of yours is an escape from your pain. The distraction of a text, social media, or news headline provides instant relief.

But as addictions go, you feel guilty after indulging in them, which in turn causes you to indulge in them even more.

Want to break the cycle ? The first step is a digital detox.

What is a Digital Detox?

A digital detox refers to a brief vacation from all things that have a screen. That would be smartphones, computers, tablets, televisions and video games.

The idea here is that humans were not designed to be looking at screens all day. This behavior is toxic to your physical and mental health. Screens cause problems with attention, vision, sleep and cognition.

A detox allows your body to return to its natural baseline functioning. Not only is this good for your health, it provides perspective. You realize how much time you actually spend on your devices.

What's the right amount of time for a digital detox? According to mindfulness expert Nancy Colier , six hours is the minimum. It takes that long to fully relax and notice the absence of stress.

However long your detox is, you'll notice the benefits. Choose an amount of time that you know you can stick to.

Ready for a Digital Detox? Here's Some Strategies

So, are you ready to get on the path to reclaiming your health, your time, and your life? Here's some strategies for a successful detox.

Choose a realistic timeframe. If you like challenges, you might be tempted to do a long digital detox. I would suggest keeping it short. You'll be surprised how hard it is to abstain from your digital devices.

Set your parameters. Is your detox a full unplug or a modified one? Decide ahead of time exactly what you're allowed to do. Maybe you absolutely have to check your texts, for example. Or maybe you're going to tell everyone to call you instead of text you. Challenge yourself, but be realistic.

Cover your bases. If people rely on you, set up a contingency plan. For example, you could set a vacation response for your work email, telling people to call you on your phone.

Get accountable. Challenges are more fun when you do them with others. This creates accountability. You could even do a digital detox with your whole family. This can be a fun way to model good habits for your kids.

Don't be perfect. If it's your first time doing a digital detox, it won't be perfect. You might find yourself answering "just one text” or checking Facebook "just for a second." Resist temptation, but forgive yourself for being human.

Use a timer. Set an alarm to go off when your detox is over. That way, you know there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Create a reward. Schedule something fun after your detox. You might even write your reward on a Post-it and put it on all the screens around the house to remind you not to give in.

After a Digital Detox: Your New Relationship to Technology

Okay, you made it through your digital detox! Maybe it wasn't perfect, but you did it.

Now what? What's the point of a digital detox if you go right back to your old habits, right?

The point of the digital detox is to get perspective.

What was it like not being able to look at a screen? Did you feel like an addict, craving that hit of dopamine from your shiny screen? Did you notice the rationalizations going on in your mind to cheat on your detox?

If your detox was uncomfortable, it means that like most people, you are addicted to technology. Hopefully that scares you!

So, do you want more control over your digital devices? If the answer's yes, here's how to do it...

How to Reclaim Your Time For Good

These are seven habits that I personally use, and they have been a game changer. Stick with these and you'll reclaim your time for good.

1. Turn your notifications off. Unless you’re a doctor or someone who has to respond to actual emergencies, it's okay to turn off the notifications on your phone.

2. Put your phone away when you're having a conversation. Looking at your phone while someone is talking tells the other person that they are less important than your sacred device.

3. Don’t look at your phone when you're exercising. If you're distracted by your phone, you’ll take too many breaks and not get the full physical and psychological benefits of exercise.

4. Don't use your phone as an alarm clock. If you wake up to your phone's alarm clock, you're at the mercy of the digital world, and you start the day in reactive mode. Buy an alarm clock.

5. Don't check your phone for the first 30 minutes in the morning. Your willpower is weakest in the morning. Your phone can suck you in and before you know it, you've wasted half your morning on Instagram.

6. Have an “all screens off” time. In the evening, have a set time when all devices get turned off. This is your cue to wind down, and end your day. Your sleep will improve, and you'll wake up feeling refreshed.

7. Charge your phone in another room while you sleep. If your phone is accessible while you sleep, you're more likely to grab it if you wake up in the middle of the night.

Say No to Instant Gratification

Ultimately, the question is this: do you want to use your devices or have them use you?

Of course you probably use a computer at your job or business. I get it. But there's still a lot you can do to unplug — write shorter emails, take screen breaks — it all adds up.

It's easy to do what everyone else does and play the short game. The short game is compulsively checking your phone, binge-watching Netflix, and obsessing over your social media.

Play the long game instead. Say no to instant gratification. Take time to authentically connect with friends and family. Go camping, go for a bike ride, or take a walk with your significant other. These are lost habits in an increasingly onscreen world.

But first you have to break free from the grip of technology. It starts with a cold-turkey digital detox. You'll get perspective on how much time you waste on your devices. Then you can reclaim your time long-term by using the seven habits mentioned earlier.

Willpower is not enough to evade the temptation of today's technologies. You must master your environment and learn the science of self-intervention.

If you want some more strategies on managing your time, check out my post on procrastination.

If you have questions about how therapy works, feel free to reach out and schedule a phone consultation today.

How to Find Opportunity in Adversity

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Sun, 02 May 2021 00:36:52 GMT

Leverage Adversity with the Power of A.F.G.O. and increase your optimism.

“humor can short-circuit negative thinking and open your eyes to opportunities.”

In my previous post on eustress, I discussed the philosophy of looking for opportunity in adversity. I also shared a personal story about my introduction to a powerful acronym called AFGO.

The response to my last post was so positive that I decided to follow up and do a part two and talk more about AFGO. I also made an accompanying video.

Watch the Video

The Origin of A.F.G.O.

The year was 2007. I took an introductory psychology class at the College of Alameda taught by Professor Robert Brem.

Several months before that I had decided to pursue my master’s degree in Counseling at San Francisco State University and now I needed to complete the prerequisites to apply.

Sitting in class waiting for the professor to arrive, I was nervous. The stakes were high. I had quit my high paying tech job in San Francisco to go all in on a new career. Was it the right move? Would I get the ‘A’ that I needed in this class?

My worries are interrupted as Professor Brem enters the room. He walks in slowly, carrying a mountain of books, and without saying hello or looking at us, sets down his books and settles into his desk at the head of the class.

In monotone fashion, he slowly reads off the attendance list. As I look around the room, I notice many a furrowed brow. The students wondered what this guy was all about.

I didn't know it at the time, but Professor Brem’s feigned disinterest was actually a pedagogical ploy designed to pique our curiosity.

The Stealthy Psychology Professor

After taking attendance, Professor Brem began talking about positive psychology, one of the units in the syllabus. It was then that he uttered the famous acronym, AFGO. Without defining it, he asked, "Can you embrace even the bad events in life as AFGO?"

He prattled on about AFGO for a few minutes until finally a student raised his hand and asked, “Um, Dr. Brem, what’s AFGO?”

Peering over the top of his reading glasses, Professor Brem said matter-of-factly, "Another F**king Growth Opportunity."

I laughed out loud. Other students smiled, some looked confused, and still others were in shock. No matter the reaction, he had us hooked. He had our attention.

Seeing the proverbial green light, Professor Brem switched from feigned disinterest to passionate discourse and dove deep into AFGO and positive psychology, riveting us with his unconventional style.

To this day, when life throws me a curve ball, I feel distressed, sometimes even distraught, but after a while a little light goes off in the back of my mind and flashes the letters "AFGO."

Dave Loses His Job

Perhaps the best way to illustrate the power of AFGO is to apply it to a fictional scenario.

Let's say Dave, a 35-year-old computer programmer is laid off from his high-paying tech job in San Francisco. He had high hopes for this new startup company, and over the last year had consistently worked 10 hour days.

Dave felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. He was confused and angry. Sure, he had signed the “at-will” contract, but didn't think his employer would let him go without any warning.

Driving home from the office, Dave's mind was reeling: “should I tap into my savings, move into a cheap apartment, hire an employment lawyer – what’s my next move?”

Fortunately for Dave, when he got home he stumbled upon the very blog post that you’re reading right now. Dave laughed out loud when he found out what AFGO stands for. He smiled, then pondered, "what if losing my job is just another f**king growth opportunity?"

Dave then wondered if there were other jobs out there, maybe even better than the one that he had. Doing a quick job search, he identified two companies with better pay than his old job. He quickly polished up his resume and applied to the jobs.

Dave embraces AFGO and takes positive action.

Humor Me

You see, the power of AFGO lies in its humor. Losing a job might send anyone into a spiral of negativity. But humor can short-circuit the spiral of negative thinking and open your eyes to opportunities.

Humans think in chains of connected thoughts. That is, if you're thinking negatively, you tend to continue in that vein, obscuring positive possibilities. That's why it's good to self-intervene and do something completely different when you feel overwhelmed or stuck.

Humor is one of the best self-interventions. Not only does it break the momentum of negative thinking, it also releases feel-good hormones and neurotransmitters , rapidly changing your brain and body chemistry and improving your mood.

What Could Go Right?

Let's look again at our previous example of Dave. Without AFGO he might have spent days, even weeks feeling down. After a while, he could have even started showing symptoms of clinical depression.

When adversity strikes, our brains automatically generate worst-case scenarios. While it's helpful to know what might go wrong, we tend to believe that these scenarios will actually happen.

We can get so caught up in negativity that we don't even realize what's happening. We can create a reality where we only see what could go wrong, instead of what could go right.

Negative thinking produces chemicals in our brain that perpetuate even more negative thinking! That's our old limbic system working to protect us from harm. The system hasn’t been upgraded for modern times, so it's up to you to short-circuit it when needed.

Laughter, a brisk walk, drinking some sparkling water, doing some push-ups, calling a friend… anything can disrupt the negativity circuit. But it's up to you.

Self Intervention

Once you intervene on yourself, you literally change your brain chemistry, which allows you to see things differently. Give yourself the gift of positive self-intervention, however grumpy you might feel.

The next time life kicks your ass, it's okay to feel bad for a while, that's normal. But if you can, and if you dare, muster up some strength and try to find one small opportunity in your adversity.

Just roll your eyes and reluctantly grumble to yourself, "another f**king growth opportunity." Then take some positive action!

Be sure to check out part one of this post, Good Stress? Yes! It's Called Eustress.

Want to know more about taking action? Read my post Action Cures Anxiety.

Good Stress? Yes! It's Called Eustress

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Thu, 15 Apr 2021 20:43:35 GMT

Positive stressors, negative stressors, and how to respond to them in an empowering way.

Eustress, pronounced "you-stress" is stress that's good for you. More precisely, it's a stressor (outside stimulus) that's interpreted as beneficial by the experiencer.

In this post you'll learn about eustress, positive and negative stressors, and how to see opportunities in adversity. You'll also learn a fun acronym called AFGO.

Stress or Stressor?

The word "stress" is thrown around without being clearly defined. People say, "I'm so stressed out" or "work is so stressful."

But stress is a feeling, a subjective experience. One person might feel anxious about their job, while their coworker might feel excited and motivated. Same job, different feelings. So it's not that the job is stressful, it's how one interprets the stimuli received from the job.

"Stress" then, I propose, is a term of disempowerment. It assigns the blame (and the hence the power) to the outside event.

The word "stressor" is the better term. It's the outside stimulus. The word stressor separates the event from the experiencer. It empowers the experiencer with the choice of how to respond to the event.

Positive vs. Negative Stressors

Positive stressors are events that typically produce intense emotions and a positive benefit for the experiencer.

Things like weddings, graduations, and acceptance speeches are examples of positive stressors. They activate the same anxiety circuits as negative events, but with a bit of a twist. The experiencer knows there's a reward on the other side of the anxiety. He may feel giddy or have butterflies.

Negative stressors are what you might imagine: events like a death in the family, a divorce, a tax audit, or losing your job.

It's important to highlight that both negative and positive stressors are typical, meaning most people agree on what's positive and negative. However, some people might experience a negative stressor as positive.

In this short video Simon Sinek has a great story about how Olympic athletes interpret stressors versus how the journalists who interview them interpret stressors. This is where eustress comes in...

Eustress

Webster's defines eustress as, "a positive form of stress having a beneficial effect on health, motivation, performance, and emotional well-being."

While I'm not one to argue with Mirriam Webster, they got it slightly wrong. There is no "positive stress." Stress is an interpretation . Stressor is the more accurate term.

I get what Webster's is getting at, but here's my definition: eustress is a stressor that triggers anxiety-like emotions, but produces a net benefit for the experiencer.

The key here is the net benefit. And remember this is subjective. For example, eustress might include doing an IronMan Triathlon (2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride, 26.2 mile run). Most people have no desire to do an IronMan, but for those bold go-getters who do, there's a net benefit in terms of incredible fitness, pride and self-esteem.

Eustress events can be good for you, but it's important to understand that any stressor that produces anxiety-like feelings also produces cortisol, adrenaline and other hormones. That's why it's important to rest after these events, even the non-athletic ones.

Dr. Chloe Carmichael, a psychologist in Manhattan who works with high achievers, highlights the importance of recharging after the energy spike from eustress.

See Opportunity in Adversity

Let me propose something radical: what if you viewed all stressors as eustress? What if you decided that the stressor, good or bad, had an opportunity in it? What if you decided that Life happens for you, not to you.

Now wait, you might protest, what about cancer or a death in the family, are you telling me these are opportunities?! No, they are terrible events. But there may be a hidden opportunity in the event that can be used for good.

Don't get me wrong, the tragedies of life are meant to be mourned. Your feelings of sadness, anger... whatever you feel is real, and normal. What I'm saying is, yes, take time to mourn, but then shift back into living your life and try to look for the lessons or opportunities in the negative event.

One of the top regrets reported by people who lost a family member was not having spent enough time with them while they were alive. So the opportunity might be to notice how important it is to make time for friends and family. You could then decide to schedule that next family reunion or that vacation with your best friend.

Life lessons, silver linings, whatever you want to call them – they're not a betrayal of your feelings, nor is it disrespectful to see opportunities in negative events.

A.F.G.O.

If you are hesitant to see opportunity in negative events, then perhaps this humorous acronym might resonate. It's called AFGO, and the following is its origin story.

Many years ago, while getting my prerequisites to apply to a Master's program at San Francisco State University, I had the good fortune of taking a class at the College of Alameda . Professor Robert Brem introduced me to a concept he called AFGO, which stands for "Another F**king Growth Opportunity."

Professor Brem asked us, "Can you embrace even the bad events as AFGO?" The power of this acronym is that it acknowledges the resistance to optimism, and it adds a disarming dose of humor. AFGO prompts you to look for the growth opportunity, as painful as the situation may be.

A Challenge

By now maybe you're considering shifting your mindset toward looking for the positive in the negative. Maybe "Life happens for you" and AFGO inspire you to look at things in new way. Or maybe not, I don't know.

Sometimes doing is better than thinking, so I have a challenge for you. For today, just for today, look at things through the lens of opportunity. Find one beneficial thing in a negative event.

Maybe you're waiting in line in a grocery store and you decide to let someone with one item go in front of you. Maybe you're stuck in traffic and you relax and enjoy some music. Whatever it is, try to find one small benefit, one small opportunity in an ostensibly negative situation.

It's not about fooling yourself that everything's fine, it's about training yourself to be resourceful and make the best of it.

Instead of "you stress" what if everything was eustress? It depends on your perspective.

Be sure to read part two of this post here: How to Find Opportunity in Adversity.

For more perspective on seeing the positive in the negative, check out my post on the power of acceptance.

If you're looking for more tips, or have questions about how therapy works, feel free to reach out and schedule your free phone consultation today.

The Psychological Effects of the Covid Shutdown on Athletes

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Fri, 02 Apr 2021 19:03:34 GMT

Sport psychologist Dr. Andrew Jacobs interviews psychotherapist Michael Ceely.

During the Covid shutdown, athletes had a tough time. With their sports being cancelled, they suffered increased rates of anxiety and depression.

Sport psychologist Dr. Andrew Jacobs interviewed Michael Ceely about how athletes, coaches, and parents of athletes have coped, and continue to cope with the challenges of cancelled sports.

Note: this interview took place on February 21st, 2021.

Listen to the Interview

Themes Covered

1. Loss of Control

Athletes are used to having a high degree of control in their life and in their sport. The sports shutdown has put many athletes at a loss. They've had little to no control over when their sport starts up again. Instead, the powers that be, such as states and counties, have been holding the cards.

Loss of control leads to anger, anxiety, depression, or learned helplessness. For the first time in many athletes' careers, they have been sidelined through no fault of their own.

2. Self Blame

In spite of the shutdowns, many athletes are wondering why their motivation is low. Instead of acknowledging the impact of the shutdown, many athletes have instead blamed themselves for being off their game.

Athletes are notorious for being hard on themselves. During the shutdowns their inner critics have been louder than ever. A healthy measure of self criticism can serve athletes in normal times, but during a shutdown, it can be toxic.

3. Solutions, Internal and External

So how can athletes cope with their feelings, and what are some solutions?

Internally, athletes can gain some relief by simply normalizing their feelings. Of course it's okay to be angry, anxious, or depressed. That's normal for any human, and athletes are human too.

Externally, athletes can help themselves by channeling their feelings into creative and positive action. "Action cures anxiety" can be a helpful mantra.

Maybe that action is playing a different sport for a while, maybe it's working on career plans after a sports career, or maybe it's approaching the powers that be and demanding the return of the sport they love.

Whatever the action is, athletes, coaches, parents, and fans can all empathize with each other. We're all feeling the pain of our sports being taken away.

Excerpt from the Interview

Dr. Jacobs:

People are starting to get the opportunity to play (sports) in some situations. But I want to get your take on the whole situation. The clients you've seen, the people you've talked to, just how do you feel people are doing with everything right now?

Michael Ceely:

What I'm seeing really a lot, especially in athletes, is, you know, athletes are notoriously hard on themselves. They can be their own worst critic.

And what I've been seeing right now with this protracted shutdown of sporting events, especially in the schools and the high schools, is even some of the optimistic athletes who are pretty resilient are really struggling right now.

They have seen what I call the activation of their inner critic. We all have an inner critic and athletes are kind of searching, still searching, for some type of control.

And they're confused, they’re like, why am I not feeling optimistic right now? Why am I not on top of my game? I should be, you know, stronger than this pandemic. I should be able to handle all the canceled sporting events.

Dr. Jacobs:

Michael, let me ask this question. How have you helped out young people? Because we've all had to cope with losing play time, losing the season. They're not going to get that back, especially high school seniors or kids that are in their last year in a sport. What have you been telling them?

Michael Ceely:

What I've been telling them, first of all, is, normalizing their feelings. It's kind of a half internal, half external intervention.

So internally, I've been working on them with just normalizing the frustrations, not thinking that they have to have all the answers. That can provide some relief.

We're working on the internal criticisms they have for not feeling motivated for their sport, their performances being down... just really giving them some relief there.

Then, externally, getting really creative, thinking about how they can pivot and do a different sport for a while.

If they're a high school athlete in a high-contact sport, obviously school districts have canceled a lot of these types of sports. So being practical... can they pivot into a different sport for a while and kind of explore options, maybe work on their personal-best times, things like that.

Dr. Jacobs:

You said something there that clicked. One of the things I tell athletes is when you are in your sport, you need to be selfish. Not in the sense of being a selfish person, but being selfish in the sense of, when you're out there playing, to focus on your game plan, your goals, your objectives.

And this has been a time where I've been sharing with a lot of clients the same thing: What do you need to get out of this? How can you get something positive from this?

We all go through trials and tragedies in life that take us up and down. This past year has been a yo-yo like that. And for me, the biggest thing is, what are you learning about yourself?

You mentioned the word coping. So the anger that a lot of kids have had, what have you said to them, and to parents?

Michael Ceely:

Yeah, just normalizing the feelings. It's okay to be angry, it's human to be angry right now.

Now, of course, you want to be finding some solutions. So regarding the emotion of anger, depending on how you want to move forward, if there really is no practical way of playing your sport, channeling that anger into something constructive.

For example, in California, the governor just gave permission for a lot of sports to come back in the high schools. And that was partially due to parental pressure to the school districts. So that could be a way of making your voice heard.

---

Dr. Andrew Jacob's radio show, The Sport Psychology Hour , airs every Sunday

For more info on Michael's work with athletes, check out his service, Counseling for Athletes . Follow Michael on Instagram @michael_ceely

Demote Your Inner Critic: How to Become the CEO of Your Mind

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Sun, 07 Mar 2021 03:48:39 GMT

Feeling bullied by your inner critic? It’s time to take back control. [+ bonus video!]

You are good enough. Does that make you uncomfortable? A voice inside of you might protest and say, “I’m far from good enough.”

Hey, meet your inner critic! It’s like that tough-love parent, teacher or coach whose well-intentioned words actually demoralize more than motivate.

It’s time to take charge and demote your inner critic. But first let’s understand it, so we can use it to our advantage. Ready? Let’s go…

Watch the Video: Demote Your Inner Critic

The Inner Critic, Defined

You’ve probably heard the term inner critic in self-help literature. There are plenty of books on it, and it's the topic of podcasts. But what exactly is the inner critic? Is it some sort of alter ego inside of us? Certainly not.

The inner critic is a natural psychological mechanism that all humans have. Its purpose is to problem-solve by pointing out your (real or imagined) errors and flaws

Historically, its purpose was to protect you. Pointing out your errors back in the caveman days was advantageous. It might have said, "hey stupid, don't go down that path - that's where the tiger attacked you last time." The inner critic may not have been kind to your self-esteem, but it kept you alive!

Nowadays, you likely don't encounter fearsome predators, but your brain continues to search for those modern-day "tigers." While it's not life or death, saying the wrong thing in a meeting or misspelling someone's name in an important e-mail can incur the primal wrath of the inner critic.

The Inner Critic as a Mechanism

Because your brain uses language to represent ideas, it's easy to confuse the messages of the inner critic as your own. Instead, think of the inner critic as a linguistic personification of a primal survival mechanism. It's useful, but tends to overreact and be a bit hyperbolic.

Your job then, is to listen to the inner critic and understand its intent, which is to notice and amplify your errors. Instead of silencing the inner critic, listen. It often has a point.

Of course sometimes it's message is distorted or just plain wrong. For example, it might tell you that you're not smart enough or attractive enough to find a romantic partner. In that case, you can still listen to your inner critic, but just know that it's wrong.

The key is to know that your inner critic is just one of many voices, or internal mechanisms, that try to communicate information to you.

There are other voices too, like self-confidence, which can be distorted on the other extreme. For example, let's say you start lifting weights. After a few weeks, your confidence grows and you try to lift more than you should. The result? You throw your back out. Perhaps in this case you should have listened to your inner critic!

Become the Founder and CEO of You

Think of your inner critic and other the internal voices like members of a board of directors, where you are the Founder, CEO, and majority shareholder. You're in charge. Your job is to listen to the board members, take their words into consideration, then make executive decisions.

Inner Critic is just one member of the board. His job is to point out flaws. Every company needs one of these people. He see things that others don't, but his opinions need to be balanced by other members of the board.

Other members might include Self-Confidence, Empathy, and so on. They could be any one of your human facets.

Here's the cool thing: you don't have to believe everything “you” think. This means you can take the role of the higher self, the observer, the one who disidentifies from the automatic narrative playing in the background.

The inner critic's narrative typically starts playing after you make a mistake. While it's good to learn from your mistakes, the inner critic goes too far. Its message can be berating and harsh. It says what you would never say to your best friend.

With practice, you can disidentify from your inner critic, or any other inner voice. You can be like the CEO at the board meeting and say, "thank you for your opinion; let me think about that."

Away from a Deficit Model

The inner critic relies on a deficit model. Instead of coming from a paradigm of good-enough (i.e. being inherently worthy), the inner critic believes you're deficient, like at your core you are not good enough.

It's not the inner critic's fault it subscribes to the deficit model. Modern culture bombards us with messages that we are not enough. Not rich enough, not smart enough, not good looking enough, not spiritual enough… you get the idea. And anything repeated often enough becomes "the truth."

Toward a Growth Model

As the CEO of You, it's time to embrace a growth model. It's the opposite of the deficit model. You start from the point of good enough. Any mistakes you make are allowed to be constructively criticized, but only to the point that it helps you grow. Excessive blame or guilt serves no one, so you let that go.

The growth model is rooted in optimism, and says that humans are inherently good, and that they naturally aspire toward positive growth. Mistakes are inevitable, but they are not to be punished, rather they are to be learned from, even admitted to, so as to inspire others to grow.

A Word of Caution

When I first started distancing myself from my inner critic, I got nervous. I thought I would lose my motivation, my edge. After all, being hard on myself all these years got me to where I am today.

But the more I embraced the growth model and stopped beating myself up, the more I realized that I got to where I was today despite my inner critic, not because of it.

I discovered that forgiving myself for my flaws and mistakes actually motivated me to grow and improve more. You see, the inner critic and the deficit model encourage shame. And shame destroys self-esteem. By being kind to yourself, you boost your self-esteem, which inspires you to grow.

It's important not to silence or suppress your inner critic, or any of your internal voices. Don't be afraid of them. They’re trying to help, but they need guidance. They need you, the CEO, to calmly and rationally decide what's true and what isn't.

A Helpful Exercise

If you want to get better at being the CEO of You, it takes practice. Here's an exercise you can do. It can strengthen your resolve when your inner critic gets especially loud.

First, find a comfortable spot without distractions. Set a timer for 5-10 minutes. Close your eyes and picture yourself as a CEO sitting at the head of the table in a corporate boardroom. Seated around the table are the board members: Inner Critic, Self-Confidence, and other personifications of your various inner voices.

Let's create a scenario where Inner Critic wants to chime in. Let's say the “company” (i.e. you) spills a cup of coffee. It stains the carpet, and you hastily try to limit the damage.

Now, picture Inner Critic standing up at the boardroom table and exclaiming in a harsh tone, "you're so clumsy, you should have been more careful!"

Take a slow, deep breath. Have empathy for Inner Critic. Maybe he learned his harshness from an overly critical parent, or a teacher who berated him. He can't help it.

As the CEO, it's your job to listen to Inner Critic, but not necessarily to believe him. You can say to Inner Critic, "certainly the company could have been more careful, but it's not a clumsy company. In fact, most of the time we don't spill coffee. Spilling coffee occasionally is normal, maybe even inevitable."

With that said, picture Inner Critic reluctantly agreeing with you and sitting down. Feel proud to be a strong and compassionate CEO. You're in charge for a reason.

As the CEO, you also know that a growth model is the way to go. You learn from your inevitable mistakes, and are kind to yourself, just as you would be kind to your best friend.

Conclusion

It takes a while to separate yourself from your inner critic. Perhaps no one fully accomplishes this. Being human is, after all, pretty complex.

When I first began separating from my inner critic, it was exciting, but difficult. Change came slowly. I had bought into the authority of my inner critic for so long that it took a while to step into the role of CEO.

But one day I took my place at the head of the boardroom table and demoted my inner critic. He didn't take it well. He protested: "I've been in charge of this company for decades, I resent this demotion."

In my early days as CEO, I would cave to my inner critic's demands and let him sit at the head of the table. But as my CEO chops got better, I worked up the courage to permanently demote my inner critic.

Nowadays when I come to the board meeting I still occasionally find the inner critic sitting in my chair. But now all it takes is a stern glance and he returns to his own seat.

I hope this metaphor has served you well, and I wish you the best in your journey of positive growth and self-empowerment.

Your New Year's Pre-Resolution

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 01:24:49 GMT

Tired of New Year's resolutions? Try Pre-Resolutions Instead [+ bonus video!]

It's that time of year again… resolution time! Want to actually STICK TO your resolutions this year? Try this simple trick that primes you for success. I call it pre-resolution.

Pre-resolutions are essentially you testing out your resolution BEFORE you declare it. You actually DO IT before say you it, making it "easier done than said."

Before buying a car, you test drive it, right? Same with a resolution. Test it out first. If you hate it, what are the chances you'll do it? Pretty low!

Watch the Video [3:47]

Your Pre-Resolution SOLUTION

Why Normal Resolutions Fail

Did you know that less than 25% of people stay committed to their New Year's resolutions after 30 days? Why? There are two main reasons: pressure and belief.

Most people put way too much pressure on themselves when it comes to New Year's resolutions. They take their resolutions very, very seriously. And that's the problem. They psych themselves out before they even start. With pre-resolutions, it's just an experiment. No pressure, no commitment.

Ever ride a bicycle? Did you believe you could ride it before, or... after you rode it? Of course after. Your body is connected to your brain and until you actually do something, you don't truly believe it's possible. That's the beauty of pre-resolutions: you increase your belief.

Pre-Resolutions - 3 Steps

1. Choose Something that Excites You. You want as much intrinsic motivation as possible. On the days that you don't feel like doing your resolution, you'll still have some drive to do it anyway.

Play around with a few different resolutions, if you like. Remember, you're just experimenting. Have fun.

2. Dive In. Best way to get started is to get started. Remember this is just an experiment. Don't procrastinate by planning or overthinking. For example, let's say you want to start walking 30 minutes a day. Well, go outside RIGHT NOW and walk for 15 minutes.

Take all the pressure off of yourself and simply enjoy your "test walk." Think about how this new habit will improve your life next year. Envision yourself walking daily, feeling healthy all year long. Take it all in and enjoy it.

Now, if you absolutely hated your 15 minute walk, that's good information! You might want to choose a different resolution. But if you actually enjoyed it, you primed your brain for follow-through.

3. Write It Down. As soon as you finish testing out your pre-resolution (and you in fact enjoyed it), then write it down immediately. This is important , as y ou want to connect your positive emotions to the words you write. Your subconscious mind inscribes your current feelings to the words. Going forward, when you look at your resolution, your brain registers success.

Make sure to put your written resolution in a place where you'll see it frequently, perhaps on a Post-It on your computer screen.

That's it! You now have a greater chance of starting your new behavior. Need more motivation? Read how just 15 minutes of daily exercise can change your life.

Bonus Strategy

As an added bonus, you can enlist a friend. Have them test out their pre-resolutions too. Get some accountability.

For some high-level strategies on how to follow through on your resolutions, check out my blog S.M.A.R.T. + Accountable: The Winning Formula.

If pre-resolutions work for you, please share this post with a friend. Happy (pre) New Year!

Stop Procrastination. Tame the Tiger and Get Momentum

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Sat, 24 Oct 2020 23:10:52 GMT

How to STOP Procrastination. Try this simple, yet effective method.

Tired of struggling with procrastination? Putting stuff off is a normal, human thing. Don't blame yourself. Instead, DO SOMETHING about it!

This simple, yet effective three-step method will help you finally stop procrastination.

Watch the Video: Stop Procrastination

Stop Procrastination, Step 1. Write It Down

Is your to-do list just a sophisticated form procrastination? If you're like most people, the answer is yes.

Well, I'm here to tell you it doesn't have to be that way. Instead of merely writing down your tasks, the method I'm going to teach you will force you to actually take action.

Here's how it works:

Every morning, write down some tasks that you've been putting off.
Next, circle the most important ones, those that really need to get done.
Finally, pick the most dreaded task. The one that scares you the most. I call this the "top tiger."

Now, get ready to get in the cage and tame that tiger!

Stop Procrastination, Step 2. Set a Timer

Yes, you're going to start your day with your most dreaded task! Sound like fun? Of course not. That's why most people procrastinate. We hate doing painful things.

But don't worry, this method is not that painful. Set your timer for 5 minutes. That's it. Now dive in and start your task. Don't worry about getting it done, just work as hard as you can for 5 minutes. Let the timer do it's thing; you just get to work.

When the timer goes off, you stop. You move on completely from the task. This is going to feel awkward but that's okay.

What you are doing is hacking into your nervous system. You are short circuiting your usual procrastination dance. You know, the "start-stop-distraction-guilt" dance.

G o ahead and walk away from your task, even if it's not completed.

Stop Procrastination, Step 3. Increase the Timer

The next day, do the same thing. Write down your number one most urgent and most dreaded task. Then, increase your timer setting. Can you do 10 minutes? How about 15? Maybe a half hour?

Whatever you commit to, the rule is you cannot stop when you're "in the cage." You only get let out when the timer goes off. It's like a referee keeping track of things. Your job is to work. Your job is to wrestle the tiger, and win.

When the timer goes off, do the same thing as before: stop working. You may want to keep going, but resist. You want to create a hunger in you to complete the task.

Remember, you are rewiring your brain to have a new relationship with so-called painful tasks. If you slip back into your default mode of dabbling at your task, you will not master your time.

And timing is everything, as they say. That's why TED Talks are timed. It creates focus and efficiency.

You are the Creator, Not the Procrastinator

Keep using this technique for three days. Then reassess. Most likely you will notice that you made more progress with the timer than you would have normally.

If you like your results, keep using your timer. Need to clean the house? Set a timer. Need to go jogging? Set a timer. You will be amazed by how much stuff you start getting done. You will start to see that the pain of getting started is really just an illusion!

As the creator of your life, it's time to rewrite your previous programming. You know, the story you tell yourself that you "deserve" to look at social media, that you need "a break" while you're doing an important task.

Remember, you are IN FACT the creator of your own life, and it starts with you calling yourself out on your own B.S., and I don't mean bachelor of science!

Now, go set that timer and get after it!

Also, If this method works for you, please share this post on social media or send it to a friend who needs to read it!

Want more strategies to stop procrastination? Read more on my post Pre-crastination, the Antidote to Procrastination

If you have questions about how therapy works, feel free to reach out to me and schedule your free phone consultation today.

Two Strategies for Salvaging Your Summer

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Wed, 05 Aug 2020 21:07:45 GMT

Missing summer? There's still time to enjoy it. Here are two strategies.

If you're like most people right now, you miss vacations, weddings, concerts, sports, and all the other fun things that summer is supposed to be about.

It's easy to feel disappointed, or downright depressed. Many people are just accepting that this summer sucks.

But it doesn't have to be that way. Here are two strategies to help you enjoy what's left of your summer.

1. Get Perspective

The human brain is wired to seek out problems. On the one hand, that's a good thing. It helps you avoid danger. But if you don't regularly remind yourself of what’s going well, you lose perspective. You begin to believe that nothing good is happening in the world.

It's important to reflect on the good things in your life. One way to do this is to make a long list of all of your blessings and frequently look at it.

Can't think of anything? Then get super basic. Do you have friends, family, and a roof over your head? Write it down. Count your blessings. Literally. For some guidance on gratitude, check out my previous blog, Your New Morning Routine for Success.

Another way to get some quick perspective is to compare this year to some of the other challenges of history. Think back to tough times like World War II and the Great Depression. A lot of people persevered and got through it. So too will you this year.

2. Be Creative

Instead of focusing on what you can't do this summer, focus on what you can do.

For example, if you can't play your favorite team sport, try tennis. If you can't travel to your favorite summer destination, visit an unexplored local tourist attraction. You'd be surprised. There's lots of interesting places to see in your local area.

Recently, I started exploring parks around Berkeley, California, where I have lived for over 20 years. I was astounded. There were so many beautiful parks I had never seen. It was like I was on an exotic vacation in my own backyard.

Here are some more creative suggestions for you:

Hiking

Rediscover your primal roots. Humans evolved as hunter-gatherers. We are built for hiking and exploring. Hiking is great way to forget about the terrible and tumultuous events of this year is to get out and see some nature.

There are plenty of hiking trails out there, many with few or no people around. This link to 15 ultimate American hikes might inspire you.

Bicycling

There's fewer cars on the road right now, so why not get out and ride a bike? What other vehicle allows you to combine exercise with speed, plus the convenience to park anywhere?

Look into bike routes in your area, or try Google Map’s bicycle feature. Don’t have a bike? Go to your local bike shop and read this before you shop.

Urban Exploring

If you live in a city, why not explore new streets and neighborhoods? Before Covid, most urbanites had a set routine and a long commute. There was little time to venture out and see new places.

Now, depending on your situation, you might have more time. If you can, get out and explore the nooks and crannies of your zip code. Here's some more info on urban hiking.

Watch the Video [1:56]

Conclusion

Covid, social restrictions, and the tumultuous events of this summer are enough to demoralize anybody. But one thing we can control is our mindset.

From time immemorial there have been terrible things happening on this planet. There's always something negative to focus on. But there are plenty of great things happening too.

We can acknowledge our problems, yes. And at the same time we can focus on the blessings that surround us. It's time to get perspective, be creative, and take positive action.

Vulnerability: 3 Steps Men Can Take to Harness Its Power

mceely@gmail.com (Michael Ceely) — Fri, 10 Jul 2020 04:57:50 GMT

What vulnerability actually means, and how to tap into this powerful trait.

Vulnerability. It’s a trendy word. These days you hear all about how men should “be more vulnerable.” But what does that actually mean?

The dictionary definition of vulnerable means “being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed.” Hmm, doesn’t sound so good!

The Resistance to Vulnerability

I admit, for years I was turned off by this trendy pop psychology term. It seemed vapid, just another word to add to the politically correct lexicon. I rejected the word outright and refused to use it in a sentence.

Of course I knew what the word was trying to get at, especially for men. It was attempting to describe time-honored positive qualities like humility, openness, and being able to admit you’re wrong.

The Opportunity of Vulnerability

Recently, I was invited to speak on the You Can Exhale Now Podcast. The topic? Vulnerability! Okay, I thought, it’s time to finally define this word.

Where to begin? I listened to Brene Brown and her famous Ted Talk, the Power of Vulnerability. She spoke about how the shame of imperfection causes so much suffering.

Next, I remembered NBA star Kevin Love. His panic attack during a 2017 game inspired his decision to “go public” with his anxiety issues. Kevin said he felt a huge sense of relief. He no longer had to be perfect. That’s powerful.

Then I remembered Steve Young, former quarterback of the San Francisco 49ers, and how he opened up about his lifelong struggle with anxiety in his book QB: My Life Behind the Spiral . He found a therapist that helped him, and his story emboldened others to seek help for their own anxiety. That’s some power!

Vulnerability: The Realization

I started to get it. I looked at the dictionary definition again: vulnerability - “being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed.”

Aha! I got it. So the power of vulnerability lies in letting your guard down, that’s what it is. Because when your guard is always up, you don’t let anybody in, you don’t ask for help, and you don’t grow.

The power of vulnerability then, is our willingness to disclose that which we feel is "flawed" within ourselves. Revealing our flaws counterintuitively diminishes our shame about them.

Our flaws, brought to light, can be empowering. “How can I get help for my panic attacks?” is more powerful than “I need to keep my panic attacks a secret.”

So, are you ready to harness the power of vulnerability? The following are three steps.

Step #1 – Drop Perfection

Letting go of the need to be perfect is a powerful self intervention. It's hard though, because it feels like you're lowering your standards. But in fact, you're liberating yourself. The energy you once used to maintain your facade of perfection is now freed up for creativity and growth.

We are so brainwashed that we have to be perfect that we often hide our problems, even from ourselves. "Nobody’s perfect" is a cliché but it’s also very true.

So take the first step, look in the mirror and admit that it’s okay to have problems. Pretty much everyone who's ever lived has had plenty of problems. Here's something radical: what if instead of being ashamed of your problems, you saw them as opportunities for growth?

Learn more about perfectionism on my post Progress, Not Perfection

Step #2 – Ask for Help

Getting help is okay. If you have a broken arm, do you keep it a secret, or go to the doctor? Well hopefully, you get help! Same goes for the non-physical realm.

The decision to get help means you care about yourself. It also means you believe in teamwork. Think about it this way: if you’re in a basketball game and you don’t have a clear shot, do you hog the ball, or do you pass it to an open teammate?

Your “teammates” – your spouse, friends, coworkers – are there to help you, and you to help them. There's no shame in saying, “hey, I can’t do this alone.” And there's no shame in talking to a therapist either. Lots of people do it.

Step #3 – Be a Role Model

Kevin Love and Steve Young have become role models for making it okay to get help. Other athletes have stepped up too. Michael Phelps revealed his struggles with depression.

Outside of the sports world, actor Jon Hamm went to therapy and said, “It’s not a weak move to say I need help.”

Maybe it’s time for you to be a role model too. Set a precedent. Be vulnerable. Ask for help, reveal your flaws, embrace the opportunity for personal growth. Knowing that your example might inspire others is an added bonus.

Psychologists have a fancy word for inspiring others to be vulnerable, it’s called disclosure reciprocity. You don’t have to analyze or justify being vulnerable, just give it a try!

Vulnerability. As Easy as 1-2-3?

Now that we’ve defined what being vulnerable actually means, and now that we’ve revealed its power, is it as easy as the three steps I just gave you?

Of course not. As men, we pride ourselves on being strong. But many of us have been conditioned to limit our definition of strength to rugged individualism. We know in our mind that it’s better to lean on others, to rely on our team. But it’s hard to change ingrained behaviors.

Try this: the next time you want to ask someone for a favor, the next time you want to call someone just to talk, the next time you feel like saying, “I love you,” just go for it. Chances are the other person will appreciate it.

Taking Care of You: 3 Simple Self Care Tips

Mon, 01 Jun 2020 00:00:00 GMT

Combat stress and reduce hypervigilance with 3 self-care actions you can take today.

These days people are worried about so many things that relaxing or taking time for yourself seems foreign. We feel compelled to constantly monitor the news, pushing ourselves into a state of perpetual hypervigilance .

Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s time to take a break. It’s time to up your self-care game. That’s right, it’s time to take care of you.

Counteracting the Negativity

Subjecting yourself to a constant barrage of stressors is toxic, not just for you, but for your friends and loved ones.

If you’re giving off negative vibes, it affects your friends and family. They can pick up on your negativity and unconsciously take it on themselves. Not good for anyone.

But there's a remedy for all the negativity. No, it's not forced smiles or wishful positive thinking. It involves concrete actions and habits. Here are three ways to take charge and counteract the negativity...

1. Take a Break from the News

News can be addicting. In fact, it’s scripted to hook you in. It exudes negativity, so much so that you may start to believe there’s nothing good happening in the world.

You see, there’s a mechanism in the brain called the reticular activating system. Its job is to help you focus on what’s important, and filter out what’s not. For example, if you’re hungry and walking down the street, you’ll notice restaurants but won’t notice drycleaners.

Exposing yourself to a lot of bad news trains your brain to seek out negativity and ignore positivity. Remember, the reticular activating system gets programmed to focus on what it believes is important. If media says negativity is important, that's what you'll focus on.

My suggestion is to reduce your news to 10 minutes a day, or even take a day off. Get it in print format instead of video. Check it at the same time everyday, never first thing in the morning and never right before bed.

Self-discipline around news intake is essential for your mental health.

2. Get Outside and Exercise

Sunshine makes our bodies release endorphins , the “feel-good” hormones. Add a little bit of exercise and you release a potent cocktail of positive-vibe hormones and neurotransmitters like dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, to name just a few. These chemicals help regulate your mood and ward off stress.

Exercise also increases the production of brain derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) which can literally make you smarter. And who wouldn't like that?

3. Say No More Often

Does your neighbor talk your ear off? Did you just get invited to yet another Zoom meeting? You have a right to say no. Guard yourself from the “energy vampires” that pop up in your life.

And by the way, you don’t need to feel guilty about saying no. Chances are, the people you say no to will get over it, or they won’t care at all.

Want to read more about self care? Check out my 5 Self-CareTips for Super Busy Professionals.

Be Your Own Best Friend

Still reluctant about increasing your self care? Feeling guilty about wanting to feel good when world events are not so good?

Think of what your best friend would advise you to do. They would want you to take care of yourself (hopefully!) and not be stuck in negativity. Maybe it's time to be more of a best friend... to yourself!

Turn Your Worries into Actions

Thu, 30 Apr 2020 06:26:05 GMT

How to use the F.E.A.R. acronym to ease your anxiety and feel better.

The body's natural reaction to fear is fight, flight or freeze. Makes sense evolutionarily. But in the modern world, these primal defenses may not serve us.

It's time to redefine fear. In this post, I talk about how to turn your worries into actions using the acronym F.E.A.R. ( F ace E verything A nd R ise)

Full disclosure, I love inspirational quotes. So I have to confess, the F.E.A.R. acronym is from Zig Zigler, who has many inspirational quotes.

The original quote is, "FEAR has two meanings: Forget Everything And Run, or Face Everything And Rise. The choice is yours."

Watch the Video: Turn Your Worries into Actions

The 4 Life Domains People Worry About Most

I have identified four domains of life that I think most people worry about: health, money, relationships, and the future. In each of these areas, I’ll talk about how to stop worrying and take some action.

Let's start with health...

1. Health

Instead of worrying incessantly about your health, take charge, and take some action. Get healthier. Get enough sleep, get more exercise, take vitamins, and improve your diet.

If you're worried about a loved one's health, talk with them and help them take positive actions, however small.

2. Money

Instead of envisioning worst-case scenarios with your finances, take action. Lean into your fears. Start a budget. Call your broker. Sell something on eBay.

If you're unemployed, update your resume and apply to as many jobs as you can. Ask friends and former bosses if they have temporary jobs you can do.

If you're employed, get a second job for a while. Why not?

3. Relationships

Take the time to improve your relationships, in your business and personal life.

Arguing with your partner? See a therapist. Can’t afford it? Try Open Path Collective , a great resource if you’re on a budget.

Now is also the time to reach out to friends and family members. Tell them they can count on you. Start a communal fund, in case someone goes broke.

4. The Future

Worried about the long term? Be proactive and take action. Plan for the worst now, so you don't have to worry later.

Look into the possibility of selling your house or moving into a cheaper apartment. Plant a garden. Keep bees. Start a neighborhood committee.

Plan it out now instead of worrying about it. You'll feel better. Best case, you'll make new friends and learn new skills. Worse case, a few people will laugh at you.

A Refreshing Philosophy

I hope you find this post helpful. Face Everything and Rise is a refreshing philosophy that might change your perspective. Of course as a disclaimer, I'm not telling you what you should do. My point here is to take some sort of positive action to alleviate your anxiety.

Okay, wishing you the best in your endeavors, and take some action today!

Want to learn more about my approach to anxiety? Check out my Anxiety Therapy services .

Feeling overwhelmed? Check out my post 3 Ways to Stop Feeling Overwhelmed

6 Reasons Why People Quit Therapy Too Soon

Mon, 09 Mar 2020 07:39:01 GMT

Don't quit therapy. Give your therapist feedback instead, and don't be afraid to ask for what you want.

Too often, people are reluctant to give feedback to their psychotherapist. Instead, they stay silent and suffer through therapy sessions. Or worse, they drop out without ever speaking up.

If you’re in therapy, it’s important to provide feedback, and a good therapist will appreciate it. In fact, studies show that feedback improves the overall quality of therapy.

If you have ever dropped out of therapy, or feel liking quitting therapy now, you’re not alone. The following are six common reasons why people quit therapy too soon.

Reason #1. The Money

Therapy isn’t cheap, and talking about money is hard. A lot of clients don’t bring up this sensitive topic.

If you’re having trouble affording your therapist, bring it up. You’d be surprised, your therapist might reduce the fee.

Or you might spark a fruitful conversation about budgeting your money, or using your insurance to help pay for therapy.

Reason #2. Unclear Goals or No Goals

Depending on the therapist’s style, they may or may not establish or review your therapeutic goals.

However, if you want goals, you can ask for them! Without goals, it’s hard to know if you're making progress or when you’re finished with therapy.

Reason #3. The Therapist Just Goes Through the Motions

Therapists are people too, and can have off days.

But if your therapist is lacking presence, speak up. Say something straightforward like, “I feel like we’re not connecting.”

A good therapist will hear you loud and clear. If they get defensive or make up an excuse, that might be your cue to find another therapist.

Reason #4. The Therapist Gives Little or No Guidance

If you’re tired of hearing “how does that make you feel?” you might want to ask for some direction.

If the therapist is worth their salt, they’ll hear you. And, if they’re wise, they won’t directly give you advice. Instead, they’ll ask the right questions to guide you toward the appropriate solutions.

Reason #5. The Therapist is Too Directive

While guidance is good, too much can rob you of your self-determination, and create a dependent relationship.

If your therapist is doing too much problem solving for you, let them know. The value of “sitting” with your own discomfort can be a huge opportunity for insight and growth.

Reason #6. The Therapist Avoids Talk of Termination

Maybe you’ve been in therapy for a while and you’re feeling better. You’re wondering why your therapist hasn’t brought up ending treatment.

Surely they have a plan, right? Don’t assume so.

You can literally say, “I feel like I’m ready to end therapy.” A competent therapist won’t feel offended and will welcome discussing termination.

In Summary

Too many people drop out of therapy too soon. Even after investing their time and money. Why? Because it's hard to give feedback!

The fear of offending a therapist can stop even the most assertive client. But as a bad therapist once said, “Get over it!”

Seriously though, it’s okay to ask for what you want in therapy. Give your therapist feedback. You'll feel better. And that's the whole point of therapy, right?

If your therapist does not adjust to your feedback, that's probably a signal for you to find someone else. Speak up sooner rather than later to avoid wasting your time and money.

Learn more about setting yourself up for a successful counseling journey. Read my post, 5 Ways to Make the Most of Counseling.

Want to know some of the essential elements of therapy? Check out my post 6 Essential Elements of Effective Psychotherapy

3 Ways to Stop Feeling Overwhelmed

Tue, 18 Feb 2020 06:48:56 GMT

Feeling overwhelmed? These 3 strategies will get you focused and back on track.

Feeling overwhelmed is so stressful. It's like you have a mountain to climb, you can't see the summit, and you don't even know where the path is. It's a place that you want to get out of quickly!

In this post, I share three ways to stop overwhelm and get back on track.

Watch the Video: Overwhelmed - 3 Ways to Get Out

It's Easy to Get Overwhelmed

In today's society it's easy to get overwhelmed. The barrage of e-mails, texts, and other demands create a false sense that everything is urgent all at once.

When this happens, our brains get confused and have trouble deciding what to do next. So we get overwhelmed. We freeze up or freak out.

The solution? Reset, prioritize, and bite-sized. Read on...

1. Reset

Your first step, and number one strategy is to reset. When you’re overwhelmed, your brain’s “circuits” are overloaded, so you need to cool them down. You're not going to be efficient if you keep plugging away at your tasks.

So take a break. 5 to 15 minutes is all you need to reset. Take a walk, walk up and down some stairs, do something completely different, then come back to what you need to do.

2. Prioritize

Unfortunately, the myth of multitasking persists. Doing ten things at once is not efficient. In fact, it can lead to overwhelm.

So, your second strategy is to prioritize. Look at what you have to do, then circle your number one priority. Choose the thing that absolutely must get done.

Let all the other stuff drop away for the moment. Focusing on the most urgent task helps steer you out of the fog of overwhelm.

3. Bite-sized

The third thing you can do is what I call bite-sized. What Imean by this is taking little nibbles, bites, or small steps toward the thingthat you need to get done.

Don't think about the outcome. Think about the step that'sright in front of you and focus on that. Just like you don't eat an entiredinner in one mouthful, you need to think bite-sized.

Summary + Bonus

Our jobs, the media, and society at-large encourage taking on more than we should. But you're in control.

Use the strategies: reset, prioritize, bite-sized. Remember, they work best in that order. You can also try each strategy on its own. Whatever works for you!

I also have a bonus strategy. It’s called pre-crastination. It’s another way to get out of overwhelm, and get stuff done. Read all about it on my post Pre-crastination, the Antidote to Procrastination

Is Complaining an Addiction?

Tue, 28 Jan 2020 03:55:21 GMT

Find out! Take the one-day "abstain from complain" challenge.

The Lure of Complaining

There's so much to complain about: politics, your job, the weather, you name it.

Complaining feels good. It gives you a sense of relief. And when you complain with your friends or coworkers, everyone feels better. It becomes a “complain-a-thon” where everybody vents.

The problem with complaining though is that quite often nothing gets solved. You vent, feel better, but the problem is still there!

Watch the Video [4:32]

Complain Only to Clarify

A normal amount of complaining is okay because it articulates a problem, gets it out of your head, and clarifies things.

But too much complaining is an indulgence and an addiction.

It obscures solutions, creates negativity, and is a misuse of your energy. It becomes a vicious cycle: a problems arises, you complain, you feel better, the problem persists.

Abstain. Take the Challenge!

Why not generate energy in the right direction, toward solutions. Here's my challenge to you: take an entire day and not complain. Not once.

I call it abstain from complain. When you feel the temptation to complain, you just don't do it. Let me warn you though, it feels incredibly uncomfortable! But that's what happens when you're addicted to something. The withdrawal is painful.

As you stick to the challenge, notice how you feel when you’re around other people who complain. Watch the intensity, the negativity, the blaming. It’ll be so tempting to chime in. Don’t do it.

Beyond the Addiction of Complaining

After a day of not complaining, you may feel strange. That’s okay, it's called withdrawal.

Maybe you caved and indulged in some complaining. That’s okay. The point is to simply notice the phenomenon of complaining and how you relate to it.

Remember, a little bit of complaining is okay because it clarifies things.

But once you clarify, take some action towards solving the thing you’re complaining about. Train your brain to start focusing on solutions instead of getting caught up in the cycle of complaining.

Toward (Micro) Solutions

But what if you can’t see a solution to your complaints? That’s okay! Try micro solutions, the baby steps of problem-solving.

Frustrated with your job? Don't ruminate or complain. Do a micro solution instead. For example, you could write down one thing you want to change about your job, then email it to yourself. Let it sit, then look at it later. You'll get perspective on the problem and solutions may appear that you couldn't see before.

The point here is not to indulge in complaining but instead do something constructive, however small.

Involve Your Friends

Try the abstain-from-complain challenge with your friends. When you involve your peers, you add accountability.

You could even try the challenge at work. Enlist a trusted coworker and compare notes. Could be fun...

Remember, action generates solutions; complaining keeps you stuck. Good luck!

Want to learn how to take action instead of stressing out? Read my post Action Cures Anxiety

Interested in therapy? Learn more about my anxiety therapy services

Your New Morning Routine for Success

Sun, 12 Jan 2020 06:13:32 GMT

This simple 5-minute habit can help shift your mood and boost your confidence.

When you wake up the morning do you immediately start focusing on problems? Do you instinctively grab your phone and check your social media or read the news? If you're like most people, the answer is yes.

So many of us fall into this trap. We don't run our mornings, they run us. It's like we are on autopilot, simply reacting.

Try this simple routine to take control of your mornings, reduce stress, and set a positive mood for your day!

Watch the Video: Morning Routine for Success

Nip Your Brain in the Bud

Your brain's natural tendency is to focus on problems. But you can retrain it. The trick is to do it first thing in the morning.

Before your brain has the chance to focus on problems and negativity, write down three things that you're grateful for.

Oh no, you say. Not another gratitude exercise! Yep, gratitude, the potent antidote to pessimism and negativity.

You see, the problem with most gratitude exercises is that people try them for a few days, then give up. They don't understand the power of repetition.

If you commit to trying this exercise for two weeks, you'll start to see a positive shift in your morning mood.

Take Control with Gratitude

Write down 1-2-3 on the top half of a sheet of paper. Next, write down 1-2-3 on the bottom half. Do this the night before, and have it ready in the morning.

First thing the next morning, write down three things that you're grateful for. They don't have to be profound, just write down something. Then, spend a minute or two reflecting and appreciating them.

Next, write down three things that you want to accomplish for the day. Keep them simple, and totally doable. They could be task-oriented, such as doing something at work, or people-oriented, like calling a friend.

Before you go to bed at night, look at your gratitude list again, then check off the three tasks you accomplished. If you didn’t get them done, that's okay. Try again tomorrow.

Be the Programmer, Not the Program

This exercise primes your day for positivity and sets your intention on what you want to accomplish. You are actually programming your subconscious mind, telling it that you are in control of your day.

Do this routine for two weeks, and your mindset will start to shift toward the positive. You'll still get plenty done, perhaps even more, but your attitude will be less of "I have to" and more of "I get to."

Commit to Not Quit

As easy as this routine is, you will feel like quitting. That's because your brain likes old routines, and you gave it a new one.

But if you persevere, your new morning routine will become your new default. Two months is typically when a new routine becomes a habit. Push through. Even if you miss a day, get right back to it.

Personally, I've been doing this powerful morning “priming” for over a year now. I can attest to its power. Have I missed days? Sure. But I get right back to it. Five minutes is all it takes. Give it a try!

How to Take Control of Negative Thinking

Tue, 26 Nov 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Stop worst-case scenario thoughts with this simple exercise.

Thoughts can happen automatically, especially under stress. Get an upsetting phone call or email and wham! – negative thinking and worst-case scenarios flood your mind.

One thought leads to the next, causing you to feel upset, which in turn creates even more negative thoughts. It’s called the downward thought spiral, and it happens to everyone.

Negative Thinking is Normal

Thought spirals are NORMAL. There’s nothing wrong with you if you have them.

Worst-case scenario thinking is what kept humans alive as a species over the millennia. When our hunter-gatherer ancestors heard a rustle in the bushes, worst-case thinking (is that a tiger?!) inspired them to runaway.

Nowadays, the threat might come in the form of an email from your boss. Just seeing it may trigger an automatic thought: “I hope I’m not fired!” This overreaction comes from our past. Specifically, it comes from more primitive parts of our brain that alert us to any danger (real or perceived).

While eons ago this was an adaptive mechanism, today it may just stress us out, and can spiral our thoughts into negativity.

Be Smarter Than Your Brain

Left unchecked over time, our thought spirals can not only create unnecessary stress, they can lead to anxiety and depression.

That’s why it’s important to become aware of your thinking. As humans, we are blessed with a part of the brain called the neocortex, which helps us think rationally.

This “higher” part of your brain can be leveraged to stop downward thought spirals. The first step is to become the observer of your own thoughts. Getting some distance - creating a gap - in your automatic thinking helps you take control and stop the stress juggernaut.

Watch the Video: Take Control of Negative Thinking

The following is an exercise that can help you to analyze your automatic thoughts and replace them with thoughts more appropriate to reality. Watch the video [5:38] and learn more!

The Exercise

Watch the video, or simply follow these steps:

Pick a worry, something that stresses you out. Then take a piece of paper and draw a line, creating two columns.
On the left, write down your automatic thoughts about the thing you’re worried about. Go for it. Vent away. Then pause and observe them without judgment. The thoughts may be negative or exaggerated.
Next, in the right-hand column, jot down counterpoints to each automatic thought. This may seem awkward, but it’s important to do.
Calmly observe your thoughts. Don't judge them, just notice what was produced from your original worry.

The point is to train your mind to notice your automatic thoughts, and realize that they may not serve you. Do this regularly and you will develop the skill called, “don’t believe everything you think.”

Thought Spirals: The Worksheet

The more you interrupt your automatic thoughts, the quicker you'll be able to snap out of negative thought spirals. But this takes practice! That's why I'm giving you a copy of my Thought Spiral Worksheet.

Use it to retrain your mind. With a little practice, you'll learn to RESPOND rather than react to your thoughts. You're in control!

You can learn more about thought spirals and cognitive behavioral therapy on my post, The ABCs of CBT.

The Golden Rule in Reverse: How to Set Better Boundaries in Relationships

Fri, 01 Nov 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Setting boundaries can be easy and guilt-free once you apply this simple principle.

The Golden Rule. Treat others the way you want to be treated. It's one of those basic human philosophies.

You see it time and again in literature and in the world's major religions. Seems like a pretty good idea, right?

It's a Two-Way Street

Well, there's a small problem with the Golden Rule. It's not always applied both ways. What do I mean?

While we endeavor to treat others well, sometimes we don't demand the same standard of respect in return.

It's as if the Golden Rule applied only one way. But it's a two-way street. Healthy relationships require mutual respect.

Boundaries With Friends

Let's take an example. Bill and Jerry are friends. Bill wants to borrow Jerry's pickup truck and says he "really needs it" tomorrow.

This is the third time Bill has borrowed the truck, and he never offers anything in return. He doesn't even refill the gas.

Jerry believes in the Golden Rule, but finds it hard to apply it to someone else, especially to Bill, his friend.

He worries about hurting Bill's feelings by saying no. But Jerry is starting to feel resentful. What should he do?

Applying the Golden Rule

The great thing about the Golden Rule is that it's a rule! And if it's a good rule (which it is), then Jerry can use it to set boundaries with his friend Bill.

Setting a boundary is less stressful when there's a rule. Rules are less "personal." Jerry might say something like, "I know you need a vehicle tomorrow, Bill. But that's too short notice. Sorry, I can't help."

This sets a respectful and reasonable boundary. Jerry doesn't have to feel guilty or awkward about denying an unreasonable request.

You're Not Responsible for Other People's Behavior

Responsibility is defined as "being accountable for something within one's power, control, or management." If you have trouble saying no, remind yourself of this definition.

In our example, is it Jerry's responsibility to ensure his friend Bill has a pickup truck? Of course not. It's within Bill's own "power, control and management" to find a vehicle.

By giving the responsibility back to Bill, Jerry let's go of any guilt. Jerry is not responsible for his friend's lack of planning.

Setting Boundaries is Better for Everyone

Setting boundaries is like tough love. If you have a friend, family member, or coworker asking you for something unreasonable, give them the gift of tough love. Empower them with their own responsibility.

Remember, if you keep rescuing people, they'll never stand on their own two feet. You're actually denying them the opportunity to get their act together!

The worst thing you can do is cave to someone's demands. "Just this once," you might say. But that can leave you feeling resentful. And that's not good for anybody.

The next time someone tries to push your boundaries, ask yourself, "would I treat someone this way?" If the answer is no, then that's your answer. The Golden Rule applies both ways.

Watch the Video: Mutual Respect in Relationships | The Golden Rule in Reverse

If you liked this video, you can watch more on my YouTube Channel.

How Acceptance Reduces Anxiety and Gives You Better Choices (blog + video)

Mon, 14 Oct 2019 07:31:06 GMT

Acceptance is not resignation. It's a powerful tool you can use to manage anxiety and find peace of mind.

You hear the word acceptance a lot these days. It's often used when referring to mindfulness and meditation practices.

But what exactly is acceptance? Let's define it. First of all, let's define what it is NOT.

Acceptance, when used as tool of empowerment, is not complacency. It's not resignation, settling for less, giving up or giving in. Acceptance is ACKNOWLEDGMENT of the reality of the present moment. It's also the first step in taking positive action.

Resisting Reality

You see, when you resist reality through non-acceptance, you obscure helpful choices. You become trapped.

Forms of non-acceptance include denial, blaming, complaining, and resentment that things did not go the way they should have.

I'm not suggesting that you become an emotionless robot. It's normal to be disappointed, angry, sad, etc. The problem is when we stay stuck and continue to WISH things were different. This keeps us from taking helpful action toward a solution.

Let me give you a few examples where you can employ the power of acceptance in your everyday life.

Example #1: Stuck in Traffic

No one likes being stuck in traffic. It's a feeling of disappointment, of powerlessness. You're stuck. Literally!

How do most people react? They get angry, curse, feel tense and anxious. Why? Because they have not acknowledged reality. They’re not only stuck in traffic, they’re stuck in denial.

Here's three steps to move beyond denial and toward solutions that help you:

Step 1. ACKNOWLEDGE the present reality - "I'm stuck in traffic right now."

Step 2. NOTICE and normalize your emotions - "I'm angry, and that's normal."

Step 3. IDENTIFY your options and CHOOSE the best one - "my options right now are staying angry, or listening to music or a podcast."

Knowing that you have a CHOICE is empowering. It's up to you!

Example #2: The Tough Conversation

Acceptance can also be useful if you need to have a difficult conversation with a friend, family member, or coworker.

Maybe you're angry at them for not treating you the way you expected. Perhaps it was an argument, an e-mail, or a rude comment. You're ruminating, wishing things were different, dreading talking to the person.

Here's how to have that tough conversation:

Step 1. ACKNOWLEDGE reality. Somebody could have behaved better. Maybe it was you, maybe it was the other person.

Step 2. NOTICE and normalize your emotions. You might feel angry, hurt, or nervous to reach out to them. That's okay, they're likely feeling the same way.

Step 3. IDENTIFY your options and CHOOSE the best one - you could stay angry or hurt and let things fester. Or you might decide the relationship needs repairing and initiate a conversation.

Remember, there's no guaranteed outcome. But accepting and acknowledging reality empowers you with choice.

Truth Reveals Choice

You see, acceptance, in the empowering definition, is not a copout.It's not fluffy positive thinking. You're confronting the truth, feeling the rawemotions, and deciding on the best action.

For the sake of this article, I'm using examples of normaleveryday challenges. Dealing with major life challenges is not so simple. Thisis often best handled by reaching out to friends, family or a counselor.

I hope this article helps you notice the best choices available when those unexpected challenges inevitably show up.

Watch the Video: The Power of Acceptance

If you liked this video, you can watch more on my YouTube Channel.

Pre-crastination, the Antidote to Procrastination

Sat, 28 Sep 2019 04:04:01 GMT

This simple (and painless) trick beats procrastination and helps you get stuff done.

Does your to-do list become your "list of things to put off?" If you're like most people, you procrastinate. You rationalize it. You may even joke about it with your friends.

But that's the problem. Everybody does it, so you don't feel so bad about it. You tolerate it. You know it’s a problem but you don't do anything about it.

Well here's your chance to finally stop procrastinating. Are you ready?

Five Minutes to Beat Procrastination

Okay, here it is: right now, think of the biggest task that you've been putting off.

Now, grab a pen and paper and write this down: "I commit to spending 5 minutes on this task today."

Set the exact time in your calendar today when you will do it. Make it your number one priority of the day. Do it at the exact time planned. This is what I call pre-crastination. Instead of pro-crastinating, you commit to do the exact opposite!

Your 5 minutes can be as simple as doing an internet search, or writing an email draft. Need to do your taxes? Print out the tax form online and write your name on it.

Retrain Your Brain Away from Procrastination

Wait, just 5 minutes? That won't get the job done! Of course it won't. But what you are doing is something much more important. You are training your brain to understand that the task is not going to kill you.

You see, procrastination is caused by the belief that a task is more painful than it actually is. Your brain is wired to avoid pain. The more you put off a task, the more you make your brain believe that it’s going to be painful.

Eventually, you build up such a mythology of pain, that you never even start the task. You make, as the saying goes, “a mountain out of a molehill.

But when you do bite-sized 5 minutes blocks of the task, you start climbing the proverbial molehill. More importantly, your brain starts to see that the task is doable.

Your Commitment to Self-Discipline

Soon you will start to like the 5-minute chunks of work. Soon you will increase them to 10 minutes, then 15 minutes. But a warning here: don't go any longer than the time allotted, even if you want to!

Wait, that's crazy, why wouldn't I do more? Because you are developing self-discipline, a lost art. Your commitment is a deal with yourself to the time chunk. If you do more than you promised, you will subconsciously feel "overworked" and be tempted to procrastinate the next day.

By not working any longer than the time promised, you will be hungry for more the next day. That's the point. You want to crave the work. It's all part of the retraining process!

Resisting the Procrastinating Status Quo

Most people can do the prescribed mini-chunks of work and make some progress. For a while...

But then the status quo comes knocking on the door: "Hi, excuse me, this the status quo. We've noticed that none of your friends use this weird chunking technique. You should relax and be like everyone else. You should start procrastinating again."

Don't listen to the status quo! You deserve to feel good about developing self-discipline. You deserve to have that feeling of accomplishment and making progress.

Your New Daily Habit

Just like brushing your teeth, you should pre-crastinate daily. Get a jump on "productivity decay" with a 5, 10, or 15 minute task every day. Read a page of book, do sit-ups, or work on a budget. Set a timer. When it beeps, stop. Repeat the next day.

Anyone can commit to pre-crastination. It's easy. Now, get to work!

Want more tips on how to stop procrastinating? Read my post Stop Procrastination. Tame the Tiger and Get Momentum

Procrastination got you feeling anxious? Check out my anxiety therapy services .

The Cure for Perfectionism is Progress, Not Perfection

Sun, 01 Sep 2019 23:54:04 GMT

Stop perfectionism and focus on your commitment to growth instead.

Do you have trouble setting and reaching goals for yourself? If you're like most people, the answer is a frustrating "yes!"

Many of us tend to give up on our goals if we have a number of setbacks. If things don't go perfectly as planned, we buy into the lie that somehow were are not capable of our goal.

The classic example is the New Year's resolution failure . Go into your local gym the first few of weeks of the year and it's packed. Wait a month and there's a lot more room to work out!

You see, most people are conditioned to believe that setbacks equal failure. Not true! Setbacks are part of the growth process.

Think of Thomas Edison. He “failed” to make a working light bulb over 1000 times! But he never gave up. He was committed to the process.

Watch the Video: How to Stop Being a Perfectionist

Allowing Room for Imperfection

Let me ask you, have you ever done a less than perfect job at work or school and obsessed about your "errors" afterward?

Most people would say yes. But why? Chances are that most of your work was pretty good. Yet you focus on the small part that was not great.

This is not surprising given that our society is obsessed with perfection. Perfect grades, perfect bodies, perfect social media posts. No room for vulnerability or flaws.

In fact, perfectionism among young people is on the rise. A recent article by the American Psychological Association notes some troubling data on this trend.

A Paradigm Shift Away From Perfectionism

The problem with the perfectionism paradigm is that it drains our motivation . Why? Because when mistakes are unacceptable, we tend to shut down to protect ourselves.

There is a myth in our society that at some point we will "arrive" and be "successful." The truth is that nobody ever arrives. Edison invented the light bulb, but his work was not finished. He had to find investors, get patents, and do a lot more work!

So you see, it's not about perfection or arriving. It's about making progress, and being on a journey without any final destination. The real product, if you will, is the experience of growing.

Focus on Growth, Not Perfectionism

Here's an exercise to try. On a piece of paper write down a list of your accomplishments.

Get started by giving yourself credit for the small things. Did you do something nice for a friend or family member? Write it down. Did you help put food on the table for your family? Write it down.

If you allow yourself, you will come up with a decent list of accomplishments. Take a look at it. Let it soak in. Feel proud.

You've accomplished some good things. But have you "arrived?" Of course not. You need to keep going, keep growing.

Accomplishments are great and you should feel great about them. But also know that they are not the endpoint. The real focus is on enjoying your commitment to learning and growing.

Make The Commitment to Drop Perfectionism

Let's create an anchor. Commit right now to progress, and drop perfection.

The next time your day doesn't go as planned, or you don't complete your to-do list, use this phrase to anchor yourself: "I am committed to progress, not perfection."

A point of caution: it's easy to slip back into the hypnosis of perfection. It's all around us - in advertising, social media - everywhere.

Keep reminding yourself day in and day out of your commitment to your progress.

You will never arrive at some perfect destination. But in knowing this, you free your mind. You realize that you are right where you should be: committed to progress, your own unique path. Keep going!

If you're struggling with perfectionism, or have questions about how therapy works, feel free to reach out and schedule your free phone consultation today.

5 Self-Care Tips for Super Busy Professionals

Fri, 23 Aug 2019 02:20:36 GMT

Too busy for self-care? You can still squeeze it into your day! Here are 5 ways.

If you're a busy professional, chances are you've become good at cranking out a 10 hour day.

While that might be good for your career, too much work without a break can have serious consequences. Longer work hours can leave you drained, depressed, and downright exhausted.

That's why practicing self-care needs to become an integral part of your life. Self-care won't rob you of your time, on the contrary, it will increase your productivity, and help you avoid burnout.

Here are five self-care tips you can put into practice today.

1. There Will Never Be Enough Time in the Day

It can be tough to find enough time to practice self-care throughout the day. But think about ways in which you can squeeze a few minutes of self-care into your day here and there.

Go for a walk during your lunch break. Write a positive message on a post-it and stick on your computer screen. Take three deep nose-breaths every half hour. Need to talk out your problems? Save time by skipping the drive to your therapist's office and do some online therapy .

Self-care is something you have to make time for. While that may mean changing up your schedule, it's more than worth it. I mentioned in a previous post how finding just 15 minutes to exercise makes your day so much better.

2. Practice Good Sleep Hygiene

When we think of hygiene, we tend to think of things like showering or brushing our teeth. But sleep hygiene is every bit as important -- if not more.

Studies show that sleep and mood are inherently linked together. The less sleep you get, the worse you'll feel.

However, sleep hygiene isn't only about how much sleep you get. It's about quality, too.

Ditch the electronics one hour before bedtime and make sure you're sleeping in a quiet and dark room.

3. Self-Care is Physical as Well as Mental

Have you ever noticed how a trip to the gym or walk in the woods always makes you feel calmer?

Well, there's a reason for that. When we exercise, our brains release a chemical called dopamine which is responsible for the regulation of moods.

Exercise really can make you happier! 15 minutes in the gym, or a 5 minute jog around the block... any exercise is better than no exercise. Make the time.

4. It's Okay to Say No

As a professional, you may be driven to advance your career. You have vision and aspirations.

That's wonderful! But if you're not careful, that ambitious streak can lead to frustration, anxiety, and depression.

Be daring and tackle that big project. But never do so at the expense of your mental well-being.

You're better off saying no right now than stretching yourself thin. Guard your energy. It's finite and precious.

5. Everyone's Self-Care Looks Different

Your version of self-care might look entirely different from your best friend's.

And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. The gym, yoga, walking, reading a book, sipping tea, calling a friend... all forms of (healthy) self-care are good!

Enjoy your activity and don't feel guilty for taking time out of your day to enjoy it. You'll come away feeling refreshed, happier, and less anxious than before.

You're Worth It: Self-Care Tips for Busy Professionals

There you have it, a few easy ways to help you practice self-care, even when your day is full.

Establishing a new and healthier routine may take some time. But you'll see a night and day difference when you take time out to care for yourself, so vow to commit to self-care right now.

If you're looking for more tips, or have questions about how therapy works, feel free to reach out and schedule your free phone consultation today.

Learn more about career and work issues on my career counseling page .

Dude, Where's My Therapist?

Mon, 29 Jul 2019 06:50:19 GMT

How men can break the stigma of psychotherapy and get the help they need.

It's no secret that men are less likely to go to therapy than women. It's also no secret that this is mainly due to societal norms around men’s behavior.

Traditional male roles have emphasized self-reliance and emotional toughness. Expressing a need for help is considered a sign of weakness. Men are encouraged to "figure it out" themselves.

But men can benefit greatly from therapy. Anxiety, depression and other mental health challenges severely impact men. In fact, men die by suicide at three times the rate of women. A lot of men are not getting the help they need.

Therapy is a Strong Move for Men

Certainly men have outlets for stress, including going to the gym and having a beer with their buddies. Nothing wrong with that. What's wrong is when men need real professional help and they don’t get it. When they're clinically depressed or when they have chronic anxiety, a lot of men just tough it out.

To be fair, we've come a long way in terms of making it okay for men to go to therapy. But the statistics still show that men seek help at a much lower rate than women.

So how can we make it easier for men to get therapy? I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. Many of the men I see in my therapy practice are referred by their wives or girlfriends or partners. They wouldn’t have gone on their own.

Men's Mental Health - The Stigma

One way to reduce the stigma is through role models. Several high-profile athletes have opened up about their mental health struggles. NBA star Kevin Love suffered from panic attacks for years until he finally spoke up. Former NFL quarterback Steve Young wrote a book called Beyond the Spiral, recounting years of anxiety. You can listen to his powerful interview here.

Even tough-guy actor Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has come forward and talked about his dark times with depression. Patton Oswalt, Wayne Brady, Ryan Reynolds , and other famous men are starting to reduce the stigma of therapy by publicly revealing their own mental health challenges. Actor Jon Hamm put it best: "It’s not a weak move to say, I need help."

What Therapists Can Do to Help Men

Besides role models, therapists can actively broadcast that it’s okay for men to seek help. This can be done through blog posts like this one, or by therapists actively proselytizing the good word: men, it’s okay to get help! Shout it from the rooftops!

I encourage all therapists (especially men) to do something to reduce the stigma of men going to therapy. This can be done via men's group offerings, corporate workshops, or by simply self-disclosing to friends and family that "hey, I've benefited from therapy myself."

A Therapy Site Just for Men

As a therapist who works with male clients, I decided to take action to reduce stigma and lower the barrier to therapy. I started Men's Therapy Directory . It's a site for men looking for a male therapist. The response so far has been very positive.

If you're reading this and know a man who could benefit from therapy, speak up and let them know you care. Suggest therapy, and if you've experienced some anxiety or depression (hey, who hasn't?) share that too. We all need to normalize mental health as just human health.

My hope is that men will soon view therapy the same as having apersonal trainer at the gym. Instead of talking about how much they're bench pressing, I envision men bragging about their therapy breakthroughs: “Dude, I totally cried in session today, it was awesome!”

Learn more about therapy for men on my website.

You are a Piano: Understanding the Process of Personal Growth

Tue, 28 May 2019 01:28:38 GMT

How to tune your psychology for lasting results.

Like a piano, your psychology has been "tuned" throughout your life. Parents, teachers, peers, and society at-large were your tuners. Some were experts, some were not.

During a piano's first year of life, it needs to be tuned a lot. Its strings require frequent and careful conditioning. After that, the piano needs less attention, but still requires regular tuning.

What happens if you neglect your piano? What happens if you play it for years without tuning it?

You might get used to the off-key sound. You might even say to yourself. “It doesn't sound that bad." Until one day a friend hears you play and says, “Um, I know a good piano tuner.”

Change Takes Time

So you take your friend's advice. The piano tuner comes over and goes to work, carefully adjusting the strings. After several hours of arduous labor, he's finished.

Excited, you thank him, and can't wait to play your piano. But hold on. The tuner says he needs to come back again next week.

"Wait a minute," you exclaim, "I thought you just tuned it!"

The tuner explains that because the piano's strings have been sitting for so long, they're used to their old shape and will slip back. They'll need several more sessions to take to the new tuning.

This is where you have the epiphany: "So... if I want to change my self, it's going to take some work!"

So That's What it Takes!

One reason why people try to change but give up is because they don't understand the piano metaphor.

A habit is like an old piano string. It's been that way for so long that of course it will slip back.

But that's doesn't mean you can't change. Plenty of people do. They just understand the metaphor. When they slip back, they realize it's normal.

They know if they keep trying, day after day, that soon they will have new "tuning." A new default.

A 2009 study in the European Journal of Social Psychology showed that on average, it takes at least two months for a new habit to start to become automatic.

Not surprisingly, if you've practiced a habit for a long time, it might take even more than two months to establish a new default behavior.

What's really hopeful about the study is that the researchers noted that even when participants slipped (failed to perform the new habit) they were still eventually able to sustain the new desired behavior!

Relapse is Normal in the Personal Growth Process

To illustrate the re-tuning process, let's look at anxiety.

Maybe you know someone who worries all the time. They worry about the future, they worry about the past, always something to worry about. It's their default tuning.

Now let's say this person goes to a therapist, and starts to worry less. They notice how taking action and trusting their decisions reduces their anxiety.

But then something happens. A challenge at work, an argument with their spouse. Worry takes over. The person says, "see, I can't change, I'm just a worrier."

But they don't get the piano metaphor. They think that after years of worrying, somehow, magically, they'll just stop worrying. They don't get that relapse is part of the process of change.

Perseverance is the Key to Personal Growth

There's such a stigma in our society around being less than perfect. People don't openly talk about all the missteps they've had on their journey to positive change.

Anyone's who's ever achieved anything, be it reducing anxiety, tackling depression, or being a better spouse, has gone backwards, has "failed." They just didn't mention it.

But the truth is that failure is not falling down; failure is not getting back up again. As long as you keep heading in the right direction, you can't fail.

Your Checklist for Personal Growth Success

So, here's your checklist for success, for whatever change you're trying to make:

Know that you are "a piano." Change takes time. For anyone.
Know that slipping back to old habits is normal. Not slipping back is abnormal!
Know that staying "in tune" and sustaining your new habit requires perseverance. Never give up.

If you need a tuner, consider a therapist. Or be your own tuner. Read self-help books, or watch YouTube videos that keep you moving in the right direction. With work and patience, you too can be playing the notes you want, day after day!

Check out my YouTube Channel for some more videos on personal growth and positive change.

Online Therapy: Is It Right for You?

Wed, 01 May 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Online vs Traditional Therapy - What to Consider

Online Therapy, also commonly referred to as virtual therapy, video counseling, teletherapy, and other similar terms, has been increasing in popularity in recent years.

I recently decided to offer online therapy in my counseling practice. After looking at the pros and cons, it made sense to incorporate this option into my counseling services.

For a long time, I was in the camp that thought online therapy was simply not as effective as traditional psychotherapy. The personal touch was missing, I thought. So, I didn’t offer it.

But after doing some research and listening to a number of other therapists talk about its benefits, I gave it the green light.

Wondering if online therapy is right for you? Let’s look at some of the pros and cons of traditional in-person therapy versus online therapy…

Traditional Psychotherapy: The Pros

Your own space. Sitting down in a familiar, comfortable office with your therapist, away from any distractions, can provide a space for you to totally focus.

Subtleties. Your therapist can notice body language, like clenched hands, or nervous foot tapping, things that might clue them in to any incongruence between your words and your feelings.

Personal preference. Some people simply like the feeling of being in the same room with their therapist.

Traditional Psychotherapy: The Cons

Travel. Commuting to the therapist’s office. In a large metro area with traffic and parking, this takes time.

Anonymity. Although rare, you could bump into someone you know outside your therapist’s office, or even in the waiting room.

Okay, now for the pros and cons of therapy online…

Online Therapy: The Pros

Convenience. This is probably the number one draw of online therapy. Some people have such busy schedules that traveling to and from a therapist’s office is really difficult.

Access. If you live in a rural area with few choices of therapists, sometimes online is the logical choice.

Style. Some people may prefer a bit of "distance" between themselves and their therapist when talking about emotional issues.

Comfort. Some folks prefer the familiarity and comfort of their own home.

Online Therapy: The Cons

Body language. Depending on your therapist’s counseling style, they may miss some non-verbal information.

Privacy. The Internet cannot be guaranteed confidential. For example, a browser window left open after an online session could be seen by a family member.

Crisis issues. Clients who are grieving, feeling suicidal, or have recently experienced a major trauma, would likely need the proximity of their therapist, especially if any additional healthcare professionals are needed.

Modalities. Certain types of therapy simply don’t work as well online. Drama therapy or play therapy with kids, for example, works best with direct interaction between client and therapist.

The Decision: Traditional Therapy or Online Therapy

So... is online therapy right for you?

Is commuting a challenge for you? Do you need to be at home for childcare? Prefer in-person interaction? Take your time to consider all the factors.

Another thing to keep in mind is that some therapists offer a combination of both in-person and online sessions, to fit your schedule.

In summary, the best way to make a decision is to weigh the pros and cons, then have an honest conversation with your prospective therapist. If you both feel online therapy is a good fit, then you might give it try!

Boost Your Physical and Mental Health with Morning Exercise

Sun, 07 Apr 2019 23:15:04 GMT

A fifteen minute morning workout sets you up for a successful day.

The famous artist Andy Warhol once said that everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. He was right. All it takes is a little bit of morning exercise. You might call it performance art.

Physical Health & Mental Health Through Exercise

Lately I have been "prescribing" morning exercise for some clients in my psychotherapy practice. The benefits they see from just a little bit of exercise are impressive. They notice more motivation, more focus during the day, and better sleep at night.

The prescription begins at a low dosage, just 15 minutes of exercise in the morning. Anyone can find this much time in the morning. It's just 15 minutes. Call it your 15 minutes of fame.

Watch the Video: Exercise Boosts Your Mood

Why Your Brain Loves Morning Exercise

You can start your morning exercise routine by just walking around the block, then coming back inside to start your day. As simple as it seems, the benefits are huge.

Exercise reduces stress hormones like cortisol. Exercise also produces brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF), which enhances cognitive speed and reduces anxiety and depression symptoms. And don't forget about serotonin and dopamine, two feel-good neurotransmitters that provide a sense of calm.

Exercise does all that? So why doesn't everyone do it? Let's talk about the barriers...

The Barriers to Exercising

There are three common barriers to getting daily exercise.

1. The first is time. In our society time is viewed as a commodity. We're conditioned to say "I don't have time." Yet how many people easily watch an hour of Netflix after dinner? Anyone can find an extra 15 minutes. It's a question of priorities.

2. The second barrier is pain. We humans are wired to avoid pain. Any kind of pain.

So, you have to trick yourself. How? Just exercise anyway! Start moving before you have to time to whine.

Also, remember that your mood will change once you start exercising. You'll notice the crisp, clean morning air, birds chirping, your body moving... soon you'll be into it!

And pain can actually be a benefit. Wait, pain a benefit? That's right. Exercise increases your frustration tolerance. By getting used to the physical pain of exercise, you train yourself not to be as bothered by normal daily annoyances.

3. The third barrier is a bit deeper. It's your sense of identity. If you don't see yourself as "someone who exercises in the morning" then you're less likely to get out there.

And getting deeper still... if your friends, family and coworkers don't exercise, there's no accountability. You may even get subtle messages of disapproval if you do exercise. "Hey, relax, just sleep in," your friend might say, when they are just projecting their own insecurities on to you!

Deep, huh? Well, if you're aware of the barriers to creating an exercise routine, you'll be better prepared to overcome them.

Ready, Set, Exercise!

Okay, so let's say now you're ready to start your new morning exercise routine.

You know the three common barriers to exercise. You know how good exercise is for your brain and body. You know. But knowing is only half of it. You have to DO.

In order to do, let me give you three powerful techniques to get you out of bed and moving ahead.

Three Simple Steps to Increase Your Odds of Exercising

1. Number one , prep the night before. Put your shoes and clothes out so you see them when you wake up. Visualize how good it will feel to get up work out, and invest in yourself. Feel the pride the night before.

2. Number two , set two alarms. You will NOT feel like getting up. Honest. But tell yourself this: "My mood will change in 5 minutes." You will not feel tired and grumpy forever, so get over it and get after it!

3. Number three , as you're getting dressed in the morning, envision yourself as someone who GETS to exercise, as opposed to HAS to exercise. Remind yourself of ALL the benefits, for your mental and physical health. Create momentum as quickly as possible.

Commit to Your Success: A Three Day Challenge

The key is to exercise FIRST THING in the morning. Don't check your phone, don't get distracted. Get it done. For you.

Do this day after day, and exercising becomes a habit. You begin crave more. 15 minutes of fame turns into 30 minutes to thrive, then an hour of power, and so on.

So, my challenge to you is to commit to exercising at least 15 minutes every morning for three days in row. That's it. See how you feel. If you like it, try another chunk of three days. That's how you do it. Now get out there and be famous!

The usual disclaimer here: consult with your doctor before beginning any exercise routine.

For more on reducing your cell phone addiction, read my post Reduce Stress and Reclaim Your Time with a Digital Detox.

For more on exercise, athletics and therapy, check out my counseling for athletes page .

Worrying All the Time? Action Cures Anxiety

Mon, 24 Dec 2018 04:24:23 GMT

Taking just one small action will reduce your anxiety and diminish your feelings of overwhelm.

Anxiety is rooted in a feeling of lack of control. If something important to us is beyond our control, even just a little, it activates anxiety. And this is good.

Wait, what? Yes, you heard me right. Anxiety is good.

But anxiety is bad, you say. I should avoid it, burn incense, meditate, shoo away my worries. I don't want to feel bad.

Don't get me wrong, ongoing anxiety left unaddressed is very bad for you. I'm talking about when you first get those anxious feelings. Don't avoid them. Avoidance trains you to see anxiety as some horrible, unbearable thing that you can't handle.

You can handle it. Instead of avoiding the anxiety, lean in and ask, "what action can I take, however small, right now, to gain at least some control over the thing that is making me anxious."

Taking Control of Your Anxiety

Got a deadline at work? Need to have a difficult conversation with a friend? Whatever it is, I guarantee you there is one small step you can take to address it.

Take the example of having a difficult conversation. We've all been there. Maybe it's a coworker, a friend, a family member. The idea of reaching out to them sends a wave of anxiety through you. So instead of taking action, you do nothing. But the anxiety doesn't go away, it nags at you, it festers, becomes toxic.

You don't have to have that difficult conversation right now , but you can take a STEP in the right direction. You can send a "vent email" to yourself about how angry you are at the person you need to talk to. That's a step. Once you do that, you'll have put your thoughts into words and perhaps gotten some perspective.

Next step could be sending the person a text: "thinking about you. Would be good to talk soon." You might not a get a response. Doesn't matter. You are taking action.

Anxiety is Trapped Energy

So, Instead of dreading anxiety, think of it as your body's call to action, your "fight, flight, or freeze" mechanism. Anxiety is literally a primal call to action (yes, freezing is an action).

Anxiety is also a form of energy. If trapped in the body, it literally becomes toxic. You need to release this energy by immediately taking a positive action. Not sure what to do? Start by moving your body. Stand up. Change your posture.

Now think: what's one small action you can take that will address your worry? Identify the action, and do it. Doesn't matter how small, doesn't matter if you haven't solved the problem. Action releases the anxiety energy and you feel better.

But what about big problems? How do you not feel anxious about losing your job, getting divorced, or something heavy like that? Well, of course you'll feel anxious.

The question is, how do you interpret the anxiety? As a call to action, or a call to retreat. If you choose the latter, you'll see anxiety as your enemy. However the more you take some sort of action, the more you retrain your brain that anxiety is not so bad.

Want some strategies to take more action? Check out my post 5 Ways to Play Offense in Life .

A Different Relationship with Anxiety

When you decide to take positive action, you form a different relationship with anxiety. It's no longer your enemy. It becomes like a personal trainer who says, "c'mon, let's go!"

And why do we hire personal trainers? To push ourselves to do the painful stuff that we know is actually good for us.

What about anxiety disorders and panic attacks? You can't just tell people to "lean in" to a panic attack.

Look, I'm not saying don't seek help. Therapy and anxiety medications are also actions you can take. So do that if you need to. The minute you decide to get help, you have taken control.

Anxiety is a Call to Action

Clearly, some things are beyond your control, like the weather and mortality. Accepting that which you truly cannot change is important for your peace of mind. And yes, acceptance is an action.

But so many things are in your control! Health, finances, relationships... all these things you have control over. While there are no guarantees that your efforts will achieve results, you can indeed take action. And if anxiety pops up again, take more action.

Please remember this: anxiety is an action signal. You must take some sort of action. Of course sometimes you need to retreat, recharge, gather your energy. That's fine. Take care of yourself. But don't fall into the trap of escapism.

The key, the real key, is to redefine anxiety. All our lives we've been told it's bad. I'm telling you that you can make anxiety your friend. It's your personal trainer. Say, "thank you anxiety" and then take action.

Create Momentum Now

Like a muscle, the more you develop the ability to take action in response to anxiety, the stronger you become.

After reading this blog post, choose one "anxiety item" to take action on. Whatever it is... studying for an exam, looking at your finances, talking to someone... let the anxiety bubble up. Feel the energy behind it. It's your call to action.

Now... take a step, however small, it doesn't matter. Just start moving. You can do it!

Learn more about anxiety on my Anxiety Therapy page.

The ABCs of CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Tue, 06 Mar 2018 06:32:53 GMT

How cognitive-behavioral therapy changed a therapist's life (and how it can change yours too).

Cognitive behavioral therapy , a.k.a. CBT, is one of the more popular therapeutic approaches, and one that I, as a counselor, find very effective.

Developed by Albert Ellis and Aaron Beck , its tenets can be traced back to the Stoics of ancient Greece.

The goal of any style of therapy is to break a pattern - one that doesn't serve you - be it a pattern of thinking or a behavior. CBT uses the power of logic to challenge and disrupt these patterns, and create new, more positive ones.

Watch the Video: The ABCs of CBT

A Therapist's Journey to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

In my therapy practice I use CBT as my primary mode of engagement with my clients. I'm a fan of CBT because it helped me personally when I was struggling in my life.

In my mid-20s, I transitioned from my first career, bicycle racing, to full-time college student. As with any career change, it can be tough. For me, I had a fair amount of negative patterns that weren't really working for me.

For example, I often convinced myself that I would fail an exam.

This led to what I call "rabbit-hole thinking" where before the test, I would say something like this to myself: "If I fail this exam, then I'll fail the class, and then I'll drop out of college, never get a job, and end up homeless."

I would put so much pressure on myself that sometimes I did actually fail... thus confirming my fears!

Of course, this was irrational, but I got caught up in this kind of thinking, and it became a habit. I got really good at thinking negatively, so much so that I unconsciously created my own reality, and not a very positive one.

Fortunately, a friend had given me a book called Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. It had helped him, he said, and he encouraged me to read it.

The book is a self-help guide of how to use CBT on yourself. I highly recommend it, even if you are already feeling good!

When I began reading the book, I couldn't help but notice how simple and logical CBT was. It was as easy as ABC.

An Example of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy's ABC Model

Cognitive behavioral therapy uses something called the A-B-C model, where A is the activating event, B is the belief, or filter, and C is the consequence, such as an emotional reaction.

Using the prior example of an important exam, let's take two students of equal ability who have studied the exact same amount.

Student #1 hears the teachers say, "exam tomorrow" (A - activating event). The event passes through B, (the belief filter) which states, “failing an exam means I am a failure." Not surprisingly, the consequence (C) is tons of pressure, which in turn causes Student #1 to fail.

Student #2, on the other hand, has a different (B) filter. It states, "failure is temporary and an opportunity to learn. "The consequence (C) is less pressure, and allows for more ability to focus during the exam, which results in a good grade. Confidence grows, and an “upward spiral” of positive expectation results.

But before I read Feeling Good I was relatively unaware of my beliefs. I took my feelings at face value. When I read about the ABC model, my mind was blown. I thought, "Could it really be that simple?"

The answer was yes, and no. Yes, knowledge is power, but only if you use it. I had to train my mind to think rationally. And under stress, this is difficult! That's why I did the CBT exercises in Feeling Good when I was calm.

I would write down numerous A-B-C situations and counter them with logic. Soon, I had the skill to observe my own ABCs during an actual irrational process and stop the downward spiral in its tracks! It was like a veil had lifted.

Nipping Negativity in the Bud

It took work, but after a while I noticed a change. I was generally less worried and less reactive when an “activating event” popped up.

I still noticed myself slipping into negative thinking, but I could stop it before it spiraled. Even today, I still catch myself starting to spiral down, but I have practiced CBT long enough to nip negative thinking in the bud.

And that's the key. Noticing it and stopping it.

It's unrealistic to expect negative thinking to stop. Our brains were designed to help us survive, not necessarily to make us happy, and immediate emotional reactions are often automatic, to help us to evade danger.

But the logical part of our brain, the prefrontal cortex, can step in and question our knee-jerk emotional reactions.

Your Thoughts, Your Move

Just like in a chess game, emotions can defeat you. Have the fortitude to ask yourself, "Is there another move?"

Examine your belief filter. Change it if you need to.

I encourage you to learn more about CBT. Read a book about it, watch a video, or write down one of your own ABC scenarios and see if you can notice the irrational belief that generates the emotion.

Learn more about the ABC model in my post Reduce Anxiety with the Observer Mind

Learn more about how I use CBT on my cognitive behavioral therapy services page.

I'll leave you with some sage advice that I once saw on a bumper sticker: Don't believe everything you think!

Your New Year Starts With Celebrating Last Year's Wins

Mon, 01 Jan 2018 02:58:45 GMT

Get your mindset right when you set goals for the new year.

Happy New Year! Many of you are thinking about setting goals for the coming year. It's so easy to think about goals for the new year without first giving yourself credit for your achievements from the previous year.

Try this powerful exercise: write down every positive thing, every personal victory from the past year, no matter how small. Did you show up for work and earn money? As basic as that may sound, write it down. Did you help a friend when they needed you? Write it down.

As you begin to write your list, an interesting thing happens. You begin to notice that some of the normal, expected things you do are in fact impressive accomplishments.

To have a job, to help out your fellow human, to be a kind person... these may seem basic, but give yourself credit! It's easy to be self-critical and say, "next year I'm REALLY going to achieve something significant." You can fall into the trap of discounting all your accomplishments of the last year, and thus put undue pressure on yourself for the new year.

I'm not saying don't aspire to great things in the new year. I'm saying start from a place of gratitude when you set goals for the next year. Starting from a place of fear, regret, and criticism sends a subtle message to your subconscious mind that you are not good enough.

You ARE good enough. In fact, you're great. Acknowledge your victories, and psychologically you'll start the year with a feeling of inspiration.

Goal setting with a gratitude mindset inspires different goals. Saying "I'm great, and I want to be even greater!" is much more powerful than "I'm not good enough, and I should be better." The latter attitude makes your goals a job, a "should." How inspiring is that? Not very.

Shift your mindset by writing down as many accomplishments as you can think of from the previous year. Then write down a preliminary list of goals for the new year. Star the ones that inspire you, that make you feel good. Think of these as adding on to an already awesome you.

Picture yourself with these new goals already accomplished. Do they still feel good? If not, maybe they're not the goals you need. Find the goals that truly inspire you, and working toward them will feel less like work and more like adding to your awesomeness. Here's to an inspiring new year!

One Way to Reduce Fights with Your Spouse and Loved Ones

Sat, 11 Nov 2017 23:12:59 GMT

Guest Post by Jeremi McManus of SF Relationship Coaching & Psychotherapy

Allow me to introduce my friend and colleague Jeremi McManus, of SF Relationship Coaching & Psychotherapy in San Francisco. Jeremi is a relationship therapist, couples therapist, and Author who works with people who want more fulfilling and satisfying relationships.

In this guest blog post, Jeremi shares some solid techniques on how to reduce arguments and cultivate calmness in your relationships.

One Way to Reduce Fights with Your Spouse and Loved Ones

by Jeremi McManus

Sure, I’m a relationship and couples therapist, but I am certainly not immune to arguments and disagreements with people close to me. Wife, friends, family. You name it. In fact, having a fight, getting through it, then still being close after is a sign to me of a close relationship. And all relationships are going to have arguments at times. If you don’t think so, let me burst that bubble for you right.. now.

Before I share with you one of my favorite things to do when an argument does start, let’s talk a little about your nervous system. It’s governed by the part of the brain called the amygdala and is just chilling most of the time. But when we experience threat it takes over. It takes over by flooding the body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, and puts us either into fight or flight mode (occasionally into freeze).

Which is a great response… if we are facing a lion. Or if there is some other genuine threat in front of us that we need to physically fight against or run away from.

Problem is, since we don’t live in caves anymore, those types of threats are increasingly rare. But our brain’s evolution hasn’t quite caught up with this detail, and kicks into fight or flight mode quite often. It kicks into this mode for things like road traffic, running late for work, or a big meeting with the boss. It even happens when we are in a perfectly safe situation, but our brain senses threat because it starts thinking about something in the past or future that was/could be scary.

So as you’ve probably guessed by now, our amygdala also takes over when a disagreement starts (Lion, EEK!) with the person we are talking to. Unless you are a Zen Master perhaps. But for us normal, non-Zen Master folks, that fight or flight mode in turn takes us out of the parts of the brain that govern rational thought. Then we start saying and doing things that are coming from the amygdala thus a fight or flight place.

(Porcelain Metamorphosis by Martin Klimas)

Initially, indications that we are getting into this mode are more subtle. Tone is a little sharp. Voice is elevated. Language is slightly aggressive.

But then the other person’s amygdala takes over and they get into fight or flight mode too. Here’s where things really start to go south. Not south like a trip to the Bahamas.

(Baa Atoll, Maldives by lennble)

South like bad. Heart rate is up, blood is rushing, face may be flush, body temperature elevates. And since we are both in fight or flight mode, we start talking faster, louder, more angry, more aggressive with our words.

Pretty soon, one or both of us says something really ugly and someone heads for the door or slams the phone down.

Okay, getting back to the title of this article. The way to reduce fights with our spouse or loved ones happens first by getting our amygdala back into chill mode, so that our rational brain can take over again. Continuing to argue with the person in front of us is not going to help us get there. In fact, just being around that person might make it difficult to get back into a relaxed, less activated state.

So, we need to take a few minutes or a few hours to allow that to happen. It can be nice for the other person, particularly if they are your significant other, to know that you are taking those few minutes. (That way they don’t just think you are abandoning them or the whole situation. This way they know instead that you are taking care of your nervous system, which in turns takes care of your relationship.)

Something I coach my couples to say here is “Let’s take a break from this conversation,” or “I think I need a timeout.” What’s key here, is you don’t want to mistakenly tell them you are leaving the relationship. You are just taking a little bit of time to let your amygdala get back to normal. And if you have the presence of mind, give them a time estimate. “I’m going to take 20 minutes to calm down.” If that amount of time goes by and you are still pretty agitated, you’re always allowed to come back and let them know you need more time.

(Highliners taking a timeout in Monte Piana by Balazs Mohai)

During this time that you’ve now set aside, do something that is calming to you. Contrary to what we were told many years ago, punching a pillow is typically not a very calming activity. But there are a slew of alternatives including: take a walk, meditate, do a few stretches, draw a bath, go to a workout class, play a sport, watch your breath, read, take a nap, or really anything that helps your amygdala and autonomic nervous system to get out of fight or flight mode. Side note, if you are leaving to do one of these activities, tell your loved one that is what you are doing. “I’m going to take a drive to relax, and will be back in an hour or so.” That way they aren’t getting more upset while you are gone.

That’s it. It absolutely takes practice and hard work. Just like any worthwhile relationship, or really anything worthwhile for that matter. But it works. And pays back in dividends. Let me know how it goes.

To read more posts from Jeremi’s blog, click here.

Brainwash Yourself: The Conscious Choice to Reprogram Your Mind

Sun, 29 Oct 2017 08:14:01 GMT

What you feed your brain matters. Here are six tips to take control of your thoughts and create a more positive outlook.

When we hear the word brainwashing, we usually imagine something negative that some evil hypnotist does to us. Well, I'm here to tell you that you can brainwash YOURSELF in a positive way.

The Inspiration for the Antidote to Negativity

Back in January 2017, after the Trump presidential inauguration, my friends on social media unleashed a barrage of negativity and hopelessness. Some people offered insightful observations, but most just complained.

I also noticed that the news was mirroring my social media feed: negativity, division, despair. My days became filled with stress as I was subjected to disturbing images and provocative stories.

So I decided to take a bold step. I stopped watching the news. That's right, no more Crisis News Network (CNN), no more opinionated diatribes from the “experts” on Fox News and MSNBC.

Self Interventions for a Positive Mindset

Another step I took was to unfollow a number of friends who posted political stuff. I felt a little guilty at first, but the lack of negative news was refreshing.

At this time, I also began to populate my social media feeds with positive quotes, nature photography, and videos from people like Tony Robbins and Eckhart Tolle . I felt a bit like a positive-thinking lemming, and I felt guilty for ignoring the world and all its problems.

But I wanted to keep the experiment going. I had made a conscious choice to brainwash myself with positivity. I was curious to see what would happen if I kept going.

Positive Psychology Refined

I began to refine my brainwashing. I put positive messages on post-its, and stuck them on my computer screen at work. I stopped following fraudulent positive-thinking hucksters, and tuned in to the ones who resonated with me.

Soon, I began to notice I had almost nothing negative to focus on. What a concept! I slept better at night, had more energy, and started smiling at strangers on public transit. What's more, I felt energized to tackle my own immediate worries. I was no longer overwhelmed with the entirety of the world's problems.

So flash forward, after 9 months of positive brainwashing, I'm happy to report that my overall stress level is way lower, I have more energy, and I still smile at people on public transit.

What happened to me? I made a conscious CHOICE to focus on the positive. The initial choice has now become HABIT.

6 Tips for a Positive Mindset

So, are you ready to begin your positive brainwashing campaign? Here’s your checklist:

1. Stop watching the news. It’s scripted to get you addicted to drama and negativity. Really. If you must get your news fix, pick one day of the week to catch up, and get it in written form, not video.

2. Unfollow negative social media feeds. All of them. Even your friends’ feeds if necessary (don’t worry, they’ll be okay).

3. Try positive follows. Start following some positive daily quotes on Facebook, Instagram, or other social media apps.

4. Use the power of comedy. Watch one funny YouTube video or standup comedy clip per day.

5. Buy some post-its. Write down a positive quote that resonates with you and put it where you can see it.

6. Make a “post-it booby trap.” Write down a cool quote or message and stick the post-it in your freezer, or inside a jacket pocket. You’ll find it later and be (hopefully) pleasantly surprised.

Try some of these tactics for a week. See what happens. At first you may notice a craving to watch the news. That’s what happens when you quit an addiction. ��

But hang in there, stick with your positivity campaign, and you will see a shift in your daily mood. Happy brainwashing! ��

PS: After writing this post, I thought I would clarify that positive brainwashing does not mean being apathetic or engaging in denialism. I am simply encouraging you to take control of what you let into your mind.

So STAY STRONG everyone! You are in control of your mind, and what you feed it.

If you want to feed your mind less garbage, check out my article Stop Watching the News - One Day Challenge .

Looking to reduce stress and strengthen your positive mindset? Learn more about my Anxiety Therapy services or reach out and schedule your free phone consultation today.

What's Behind the Apps - The Psychology of Social Media

Tue, 09 May 2017 07:18:55 GMT

The Science Behind Social Media Addiction

In my previous blog post, Teenager or Screenager? Sensible Smart Phone Use for Adolescents I talked about the incredible amount of time adolescents spend on electronic devices each day.

After reading the post, a friend of mine told me about a recent 60 Minutes special entitled Brain Hacking. That's right, engineers are programming our phone apps based on the brain’s natural tendency to seek pleasure.

Social Media Addiction, A Sobering Report

This is a powerful and sobering report that I think everyone should see. The folks that build some of these apps may not have your best interests in mind. Check out the 60 Minutes Report here.

In the report, Tristan Harris, a former Google product manager, explains how Snapchat's features are designed to be addictive. A feature called "Streaks" shows the number of days in a row kids send messages to each other. Kids get stressed about losing their Streak or competing with their peers over who has the highest number of days.

Harris reminds the viewer that the primary goal of companies like Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, etc. is to get you to use their product as much as possible. There is a battle for our attention going on.

The Battle for Your Attention

In this battle, I'm hoping that parents and teachers decide to get involved. For example, teachers can bring in guest speakers (preferably teens) to talk about healthy social media use. Parents can set family policies around the use of social media apps.

Together, we can outsmart the Silicon Valley engineers. If you are a parent of a teenager, and you already monitor and limit social media use, good for you. If you need to get more involved, now is the time.

Teenager or Screenager? Sensible Smart Phone Use for Adolescents

Mon, 10 Apr 2017 00:30:48 GMT

How parents can set an example of moderation and healthy boundaries for electronic device use.

Teen Screen Time and Brain Development

Parents, how much screen time do most adolescents have each day? Are you ready for this? According to a study by Common Sense Media , The average is 6 to 9 hours a day interacting with a screen. That’s a TV screen, cell phone, computer, tablet, etc. Does that amount of time alarm you? It should.

Sherry Turkle, a psychologist at MIT, who studies the effects of social media and electronic communication, points out that excessive screen time can have negative effects on attention span and social development. She has a great TED Talk about this called Connected, but Alone.

Because the teenage years are a crucial formative time, brain development is highly influenced by the environment. Habits become ingrained. Checking phones and multitasking can get "hardwired" into the adolescent brain. Staying present and only focusing on one thing becomes boring and uncomfortable.

How Parents Can Talk to Teens About Screen Use

Parents often tell me they are frustrated by their teenager’s texting or gaming habits. Their kids are sleep deprived, and their grades are dropping. But when parents try to limit screen time, they tell me their kids angrily protest. They feel like a bad parent.

The biggest mistake parents make when limiting screen time is not explaining the rationale. By snatching away a phone or video game without a reason, the teen views the punishment as a power struggle with out any deeper meaning.

By sitting down and having a conversation and saying "I'm concerned about your screen time" the teen feels respected. Their opinion counts. They may protest when you propose limiting screen time, but that's okay. Be firm and insist. Some negotiation is okay. Remember, the goal is to reduce screen time to a sensible amount.

Setting Sensible Limits on Screen Time

What’s a sensible amount? That's up to you as a parent to decide. Generally speaking, screen time should not interfere with eating, sleeping, homework, household chores, and family interactions.

Make a household rule that no devices are allowed during family meals. Other strategies include putting all devices away for the night in a common household cabinet. Restricting your teenager's screen time may actually help you reduce your own electronic device usage.

Teens, if you’re reading this, I’m on your side, really! I have talked to many teenagers who at first hate reducing screen time. They feel left out of their friends’ texts and social media posts. But after a while, they notice they have more time to do their homework, and overall they feel less stressed.

In Conclusion

So the key is moderation. Sensible screen time, not addiction. Use the device, don’t let it use you.

Parents, you must set the example. Teens, trust that your parents care about you. For both of you: continue to have conversations. Listen to each other’s point of view. You might just see eye to eye.

For more on teenagers and screen time, check out the movie that inspired this blog post, Screenagers.

For more tips on reducing screen time, read my post Reduce Stress and Reclaim Your Time with a Digital Detox.

Parents: Do You Know Your Teenager’s Friends?

Tue, 07 Mar 2017 23:15:07 GMT

Making the effort to know their friends helps in more ways than you might think.

Cindy, age 15, says to her mom, "I'm going over to Lisa's house after school, okay?

Cindy's mom then asks, "Um... wait a second, who is Lisa?”
"She's in my algebra class." replies Cindy. "Lisa’s cool, don't worry so much, mom."

If you are a parent, what would you say next? Who is this friend Lisa? What you say next depends on a number of things of course, including how trustworthy Cindy is, what time she'll be home, etc.

But a more important question arises: how well do you know your teenager's friends?

You may feel reluctant to find out more about your kid’s friends. You don't want to be one of those hovering, "helicopter parents" who never trusts your kid. At the same time, you want to know if your child's peers are a good influence.

Just because your son or daughter gets good grades and is responsible, doesn't mean they can't be swayed by peer pressure to skip class or do drugs. During the adolescent years, social acceptance plays a major role in teens’ decision making.

So why not get to know your kid’s friends? The worst that could happen might be some eye rolling or awkwardness.

I'm not suggesting you assume control of your son or daughter's social life. I mean get to know their friends’ basic habits, first and last names, and who their parents are. That means actually meeting your child’s friends, or at the very least, introducing yourself to their friends’ parents via phone.

Your teenager may protest, and even accuse you of not trusting them. Stand firm. Your request is not unreasonable. Your kid may be mad at you, but deep down they'll respect you. A teenager needs certainty, and knowing that their parent has their back puts them at ease.

Of course, you can involve yourself even further by meeting other parents in person, attending a parent teacher association meeting, or hosting a sleepover.

Remember, the idea is not to pry into all the details of your teen’s social life. The idea is to assert your role as parent and know who your son or daughter is spending time with.

Knowing your kid’s friends helps everybody. It helps you, because you'll know if a peer is a good or bad influence. It helps other parents by creating a responsive network. And most of all, it sends a message to your son or daughter that you care.

Take Control of Your Mind and Take a Break from the News

Sun, 22 Jan 2017 22:54:32 GMT

Stop consuming mental junk food and reduce your stress with "news fasting."

Back in old days, people watched the six o' clock news or the ten o' clock news. Nowadays, we are bombarded with news twenty-four-seven.

Recently I found myself stressed out, caught up in the drama of the news. I remembered some advice I had heard a few years back from Dr. Andrew Weil . He said, "just stop watching the news."

Wait, what? We have to watch the news - to stay informed - right? No. You have the right NOT to subject yourself to the news. The media rarely reports all the good things happening in world. They like to dish out the bad news, and we become addicted, compelled to watch.

Dr. Weil says: "A number of studies have shown that images and reports of violence, death and disaster can promote undesirable changes in mood and aggravate anxiety, sadness and depression."

His advice? Take a news fast. That's right. Detox your mind by cutting out the "mental junk food." Try it for a few days and observe your mood, and notice how you interact with others. You'll likely feel better, mentally and physically.

So turn off that TV, hide your news app on your phone, and don't click on that Facebook news story. Don't worry, if anything important happens, you'll hear about it.

Now, I'm not saying bury your head in the sand and become apathetic. Just try the news fast and see how you feel. Maybe notice the compulsion to check the news. Do you really need to check? The idea here is to notice that you don't always need to "be informed."

Maybe you can you incorporate periodic news fasts into your life. Why not try it? Remember, what you feed your body and your mind affects you. Give yourself a break. Try a news fast today!

Learn more about news fasting and take my no news challenge. Read my post Stop Watching the News, One Day Challenge .

Blog for Michael Ceely, LMFT

Leadership Styles Mirror Parenting Styles: How to Spot the Authoritarian

The parenting we received early in life shows up in how we manage people.

Watch the Video: The Authoritarian Leader

Why Parenting Styles Are a Useful Lens for Leaders

The Four Parenting Styles: A Quick Overview

What Defines the Authoritarian Leader

The Continuum: Functional vs. Dysfunctional Authoritarianism

Spotting the Authoritarian Leader: A Checklist

Practical Steps for Leaders Who Recognize Themselves Here

If You Work for an Authoritarian Leader

The Way Forward

Final Thoughts and a Dose of Empathy

Frequently Asked Questions on Authoritarian Leadership

Three Ways to Set Better Boundaries at Work (Without the Guilt)

Once you understand workplace dynamics, you can start to set boundaries in a fair and reasonable way that helps everyone.

Watch the Video: How to Set Better Boundaries at Work

The Hidden Cost of Poor Boundaries

Understanding Your Workplace as a Dynamic System

Three Ways to Transform Your Work Boundaries

Boundary Strategy #1: Master the Art of Delegation

Boundary Strategy #2: Saying No Without the Drama

Boundary Strategy #3: Asking for Help Instead of Doing It All Alone

For Leaders: You Set the Tone

Your Boundary Action Plan

The Bottom Line on Boundaries

Finding Your Own Version of Work-Life Balance: 5 Strategies That Actually Work

Busting myths about work-life balance, so you can dial-in your life on your own terms.

Watch the Video: Busting the Myth of Work-Life Balance

The Myths That Keep You Stuck

Getting Real About How Much You Can Actually Do

Understanding Life Domains

Understanding the Human Factor

“I’ve learned that you can’t have everything and do everything at the same time” – Oprah Winfrey

Five Strategies for Building Your Version of Balance

1. Accept Your Limitations

2. Make Clear Agreements

3. Live by Your Calendar

“The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.” – Stephen Covey

4. Maintain Firm Boundaries

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

﻿ – Prentis Hemphill

5. Prioritize Self-Care Every Day

Your Life, Your Rules

Perfectionism in High Achievers: Pitfalls and Solutions

5 Perfectionist Traps and 3 Ways to Overcome Them

Key Takeaways

5 Common Perfectionism Traps:

3 Ways to Reduce Perfectionism:

Understanding the Belief in Perfectionism

Five Common Perfectionism Traps

Behavioral Experiments Are the Solution

Why This Approach Works

Final Thoughts

Mastering Ambition: A Therapist's Guide for High-Achieving Men

Ambition drives achievement, but too much ambition causes unnecessary stress and can lead to burnout.

Key Takeaways - Common Ambition Traps for High-Achieving Men

Watch the Video: How High-Achieving Men Can Reduce Stress

The Three Core Traits of High-Achieving Men

1. Harnessing the Power of Competition

2. When Excellence Becomes Over-Optimization

3. Rethinking High Standards as Targets, Not Ultimatums

Putting It All Together: Mastering Ambition Without Burning Out

FAQ: Mastering Ambition for High-Achieving Men

Q: How can I stay competitive without feeling resentful or burnt out?

Q: When should I stop optimizing and accept that something is “good enough”?

Q: How do I deal with falling short of my high standards?

Q: Can therapy help with managing high-achieving traits?

Q: Is it possible to be successful and still enjoy a balanced life?

Transforming Men's Mental Health: The Power of Slowing Down

Just like a sports team takes a timeout, men also need to mentally regroup to function at their best.

Key Takeaways - How Slowing Down Can Improve Men's Mental Health

Watch the Video: Transforming Men's Mental Health

Why Slowing Down Is Essential for Sustainable Success

Strategy 1: Plan Your Day the Night Before

Strategy 2: Establish a Morning Routine

Strategy 3: Learn to Say No

Putting It Together: The Sustainable Model for Men’s Mental Health

Frequently Asked Questions: How Slowing Down Improves Your Mental Health

Final Thoughts

– Prentis Hemphill