Are You in Denial? Here's How to Stop

4 Types of Denial and the 3-Step Method to Defeat Them

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Denial is a Defense Mechanism

Denial is one of the most common defense mechanisms. Put simply, defense mechanisms are a way to avoid pain.

Denial ranges from the mundane, like a teenager “forgetting" to take out the trash, to more severe behaviors like ignoring a major health diagnosis.

In both of these examples, denial helps avoid pain, but only temporarily. Eventually, things must be dealt with, whether we like it or not. Pain now, or pain later.

But usually the pain, i.e. the problem we need to deal with, is not that painful once we start handling it. It's the anticipation of the pain that we fear, and denial is our go-to painkiller.

Denial in Action

Let's look at denial in action by inventing a character named Bill, a successful executive. Bill gets paid handsomely, but works long hours to meet the demands of his job.

Over the past year, more and more demands have been placed on Bill. He feels stressed out, resentful, and trapped. What's more, he and his wife are having problems in their marriage because of his work schedule.

Weekends provide a bit of relief for Bill. Between answering emails, he is able to squeeze in some exercise and catch up on his sleep. This brief recovery allows Bill to stay in denial and say to himself, “It’s not that bad." Then on Monday the cycle starts all over again.

Bill has been managing this vicious cycle for a while, but now he and his wife are starting to argue.

“The kids never see you. You're always working." Bill's wife exclaims. "You're so stressed out. Why don't you look for another job?"

"The pay is really good, plus I have stock options" Bill says. "And besides, I don't have time to look for another job."

Bill’s denial keeps him from dealing with the issue, but it’s stressing the relationship with his wife. Eventually he's going to have to face the music, or face some serious consequences.

If you were Bill's friend, you might want to shake him and say, "You're in denial! Listen to your wife!"

But denial is powerful. Bill might get defensive if you push too hard. Remember, denial serves a purpose. It's a way to avoid pain.

What if there was a way to help Bill face his denial? Some strategies perhaps?

Below are four types of denial that keep people stuck, followed by a simple three-step strategy to defeat them.

4 Types of Denial

Denial comes in many disguises. Aside from simple denial (total rejection of reality), here are four of the most common types.

1. Minimizing. On weekends, when our overworked executive Bill is more relaxed, he fools himself by minimizing how stressed out he is. "It's not that bad" he says.

2. Rationalization. Bill focuses on positive aspects of his job, and ignores the negatives. When talking with his wife, he brings up his salary and stock options as a way to obscure the fact that he’s stressed and growing distant from his family.

3. Excuses. Bill would start looking for another job, but says he doesn’t have the time. Certainly he’s busy, but if he really wanted to he could find the time. He's using denial to avoid the pain of looking for new job.

4. Procrastination. In an effort to reduce conflict with his wife, Bill could say, “I know I should look for another job. I’ll start tomorrow." Again, Bill avoids pain, but only temporarily.

How to Stop Denial – 3 Simple Steps

So, how to defeat denial? Here’s a simple three-step method. Let's see how our friend Bill could do it.

Step 1. Tell the Truth. Bill finally looks himself in the mirror and admits how much he dislikes his job. He weighs the pros and cons: the temporary relief of denial versus his ongoing stress and the strain on his family.

Step 2. Forgiveness. Bill realizes he’s human. It’s normal to use denial to avoid pain. He doesn't overly criticize himself for doing this. Instead, he looks at his situation as an opportunity for positive change and growth.

Step 3. One Small Action. Bill doesn't need to find a job right away. He decides to work on his resume for a few minutes every day. He takes little actions, baby steps. He gets the ball rolling. Soon he has an updated resume and he's one step closer to finding a new job. His stress level goes down, and he feels empowered.

Conclusion

So, is there something that you are in denial about?

My suggestion is to choose one small thing that you're in denial about, then use my three simple steps.

The key (and I can't stress this enough) is to forgive yourself for using denial in the first place. After all, you're human and you don't like pain. So please, don't blame yourself, just let it go and welcome the opportunity to face your fear and solve your problem.

If you take just a little bit of action, that's a victory. Keep going, stacking small victory after small victory, and soon your denial will be just a river in Egypt. 🤔