Reduce Anxiety with the Observer Mind

Use this powerful technique to reduce stress and get perspective.

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Caught Up in Your Thoughts?

Ever get so caught up in your thoughts that you forgot why you walked into a room?

If you're like most humans, the answer is yes.

Look, thoughts are a wonderful thing. We use them to understand complex situations, solve problems, and have intellectual conversations.

But thoughts can also make us miserable. If we let our thoughts take over, we might convince ourselves that the reason our friend hasn't texted us back is because they hate us.

In short, we can master our thoughts, or they can master us. Would you like to have more control over your thoughts? Read on...

Most Thoughts are Automatic

Most thoughts happen so quickly you don't even realize it. These are what are known as automatic thoughts.

Some automatic thoughts are helpful. If you’re driving, you don't analyze why you need stop at a red light. You don't have time. You just stop.

Other automatic thoughts are not so helpful. Let’s take the earlier example of your friend not texting you back, and let’s say it’s been a day and they still haven’t responded. One automatic thought might be that they're ignoring you.

While that's possible, maybe there's another explanation. Maybe your friend is busy, maybe they turned off the notifications on their phone - there's a bunch of other possibilities.

The Observer Mind, Easy as A-B-C

The first step in cultivating the observer mind is to understand that we all have automatic thoughts. The second step is to observe the actual thought process.

Cognitive behavioral therapy explains the process like this: an activating event (A) happens, you have a belief (B) about the event, which causes a consequence (C). The consequence is an emotion, a thought, or an action.

The same activating event can have two completely different consequences, depending on the person. An unexpected thunder shower might cause a bicyclist to curse at the heavens, while a farmer might shed tears joy that his crops finally got some needed rain.

So it's not the event itself that's good or bad, it's your belief about the event that makes it seem good, bad, or somewhere in between.

By observing the A-B-C chain reaction that ultimately leads to a conclusive thought (e.g. rain is bad; rain is good), you can begin to “un-automate” your thinking.

Returning to the example of your friend not texting you back, let's look at the thinking process:

1. Activating event (A) = my friend hasn't texted me back yet.
2. Belief (B) = they're ignoring me.
3. Consequence (C) = I’m mad at them.

If you take the perspective of the observer, you can see how limiting this thought process is. Left unexamined, you might convince yourself that this is the truth.

Give Yourself Some Grace

Automatic thoughts are normal, and at times quite advantageous. They're part of being human.

The purpose of developing your observer mind is to intervene on yourself when your thoughts are not advantageous.

How to intervene? Practice watching your thoughts. The more you do this, the more you can step in and nip those irrational thoughts in the bud.

Promote Yourself to a Higher Rank

Your heart beats without you thinking about it. Your brain works the same way. It generates thoughts automatically so that you don't have to, so that you can get stuff done quickly.

When you drive your car, you do it almost automatically. You cruise down the road listening to music, thinking about something totally different than driving.

But when there's a lot of traffic, you pay closer attention, grip the steering wheel tighter, and engage your conscious mind. You are no longer the "autopilot" of your car. You are the real pilot, conscious and aware.

You can do the same thing with your thinking. You can promote yourself to a higher rank. Instead of being on autopilot with your thoughts, you can be the captain, in control of your own "plane."

Of course the observer mind doesn't have to constantly be "on duty." You can switch it on or off as needed.

When do you need it? Well, when the ride gets bumpy... when there are stressful activating events in your life.

Let's take a personal example...

The Stressed-Out Teacher

Mr. Ceely was once a stressed-out teacher. That's right, I used to be a high school Spanish teacher, and the first year was tough. I had five classes per day, with about 30 students in each class. After work, I took classes to finish my credential, then went home and did lesson plans and corrected homework.

Fortunately my classes were running pretty smoothly. All of them except for one. This class had a very smart, charismatic young man who frequently interrupted me. Let's call this student "Charisma." To say he stressed me out would be an understatement.

My daily thought process would go like this:

1. Activating event (A) = Charisma talks while I'm talking.
2. Belief (B) = Charisma doesn't respect me.
3. Consequence (C) = I get angry at Charisma and lose my patience.

It wasn't until I slowed down my thought process that I understood where Charisma was coming from.

Charisma wasn't disrespecting me, in fact, it wasn't about me at all. It was about him simply wanting to talk with his friend during class.

I had been caught up in my own ego, taking things personally. When I promoted myself to the observer, it was a huge relief. Instead of being angry at Charisma, I simply deducted participation points to dissuade him from talking.



Charisma sensed that I was calmer, and slowly our power struggle diffused itself.

Your Reactions as a Reminder

The observer mind was a game changer with Charisma, but it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows with him. I still lost my patience with him from time to time.

I learned to forgive myself for reacting. In fact, my very reaction would wake me up and snap me back into observer mode.

Here's how that process went:

1. Activating event (A) = Charisma interrupts me.
2. Consequence (C) = I get angry, lose my patience… then observe my reaction.
3. Belief (B) = I remind myself that it's not about me.
4. New consequence (C) = I calm down and handle the situation.

Notice how I initially went from the Activating event (A) directly to the Consequence (C), while skipping right past the Belief (B). But hey, no problem, I just used my reaction as a reminder to slow down, breathe, and handle things calmly.

How to Practice Your New Role

You can practice being the observer every day, in real life situations. Cut yourself some slack though, because you're working with a brain (your brain) that has been conditioned to automatically think certain thoughts.

To practice being the observer you can proactively choose situations ahead of time. For example, you might decide to observe your thinking process before you open an important email. Take out a sheet of paper and write down your A-B-C reaction when you read the email. Don't judge yourself. Just slow down, observe, and take notes.

Another way to practice the observer mind is through meditation. You can start with just five minutes a day. Set a timer, put it out of sight, then sit down and wait for your brain to generate thoughts. Then observe them and let them drift on by, knowing that if they're important, they'll come back to you later.

Consider the observer mind like a different level of consciousness, not higher or lower, just different. Like when you're playing a sport, you’re at a particular level of of consciousness - you're "in the zone" - and your brain doesn't have time to think, you're just doing.

When you're sitting alone, you're at another level. Your brain has plenty of time to think, so it generates automatic thoughts. But you can step into observer mode and watch the thoughts pop up and drift away.

Ultimately, you are not your thoughts. As the saying goes, don't believe everything you think!

Conclusion

Remember, the human brain is wired for survival. It serves us well when it serves us. But when it doesn't, that's when we intervene.

Just like the heart produces heartbeats, the brain produces automatic thoughts. Don't take them too personally. Notice them, observe them, and let go of any judgment.

The ultimate purpose of the observer mind is to prevent you from getting caught up in the drama of challenging events. The observer mind gives you perspective, and can save you from a lot of unnecessary stress.

Try practicing the A-B-C model on paper, and then in your daily life, picking and choosing situations you might want to observe. You can also try a little bit of meditation. Like any skill, the observer mind becomes stronger the more you exercise it.

If you want to learn more about the A-B-C model and cognitive behavioral therapy, you can check out my blog, The ABCs of CBT.

In the meantime, happy observing!