When we think of gaslighting, we often imagine a man as the offender. But many men are also on the receiving end of the pernicious effects of gaslighting.
Gaslighting of men is a silent problem. Why? Because some men choose to endure the treatment in order to avoid conflict, either at work or in their personal relationships.
In this post, we'll look at gaslighting in a romantic relationship scenario, and in an employer-employee scenario. Then we’ll cover five strategies to men help thwart gaslighting behaviors and set better boundaries.
By the way, this post is not just for men. Gaslighting effects everybody, so these strategies can be applied in any kind of relationship.
The term gaslighting comes from a movie called Gaslight, a 1944 thriller about a man who emotionally manipulates his wife by changing the brightness of the gas-fueled lights in the house. When his wife notices, he tells her she must be imagining things.
Nowadays, gaslighting is used to describe similar manipulative behaviors where someone tries to convince you that you’re wrong, even though by all rational standards you know you’re right.
Gaslighting is a bully-victim dynamic, with the gaslighter being the bully. The victim may tolerate the bullying in an effort to keep the peace, because ending the relationship has high-stakes consequences. Unfortunately, tolerance just enables more gaslighting, or worse, the victim begins to question their own sense of reality.
This dynamic is based on the gaslighter’s insecurity and need to establish dominance. The victim, on the other hand, feels the need to people-please and not upset the gaslighter.
Yes, it takes two to tango. The gaslighter is unwilling to admit wrongdoing, so it's up the victim to stop this dysfunctional dance. I don't like the word victim so I am going to use the word "gaslightee" instead.
So how can the gaslightee stop the gaslighting? Before we get to the strategies, let's first look at the traits of the gaslighter and gaslightee.
Like most bullies, gaslighters are highly insecure. They may have a history of trauma, especially in childhood. Their parents or caregivers may have gaslighted them.
While we can have empathy for a gaslighter, it doesn’t mean we should tolerate their behavior. Tolerating gaslighting only perpetuates the problem.
Think of a gaslighter like an alcoholic. They are addicted to their behavior. Gaslighting is a way of coping with their deep-seated insecurity.
The first step in handling a gaslighter is to realize that it's not about you. It's about the gaslighter’s need to be right in order to protect their fragile ego.
Gaslightees often have a high degree of empathy. And as mentioned earlier, we don't usually think of men as victims of gaslighting. After all, women are the sensitive ones, and men are logical and less empathetic, right?
While it's generally true that women score higher on empathy traits, men can also have a high degree of empathy, sometimes more than their female romantic partners. Therefore it's easy for a man to convince himself that the woman must be right, especially if he himself is being accused of lacking empathy.
Gaslightees often have people pleasing tendencies in a lot of their relationships. While there are merits to being nice to people, this trait is problematic when dealing with a gaslighter.
Gretchen is the jealous type. Her husband Tom is a partner in a law firm and works with a paralegal named Ellen. Tom is a loving and faithful husband and has no interest in Ellen but he walks on eggshells and never mentions Ellen’s name at home, for fear of incurring Gretchen's jealous wrath.
One Friday, after finishing a long day at work, Tom pulls into the driveway of his house. He parks the car and sits there for a minute, paralyzed, wondering what kind of mood Gretchen will be in.
Tom runs through several scenarios in his head. He rehearses how he'll respond if Gretchen is in a bad mood. He remembers what happened last week when he was five minutes late for dinner...
"You were fooling around with Ellen, weren't you?" Gretchen demanded.
Using a calm and reassuring tone, Tom replied, "Honey, I'm not interested in Ellen. I'm late because I was working on the Wagner case."
"You’re supposed to text me if you're going to be late for dinner. You're so inconsiderate!" Gretchen shouted.
Puzzled, Tom replied, "But we agreed that I didn't have to text you anymore."
"What are you talking about? You're imagining things. You can't even keep your thoughts straight!” Gretchen retorted.
To avoid things spiraling into an argument, Tom decides to agree. "I'm sorry, I'll try to be more considerate," For a minute, Tom questions himself. Was Gretchen right? Maybe his memory was slipping.
Tom is the classic example of a loving but conflict-avoidant husband. He hates arguing and feels bad seeing his wife upset so he tolerates her gaslighting.
Men like Tom will either push back and start setting boundaries, or continue to "consent and resent" and watch their marriage slowly fade away. In Tom's case, he never mustered the courage to push back. Eventually Gretchen filed for divorce, calling Tom an "emotionally unavailable and selfish husband."
Jack is a lead software engineer at a large tech company. His boss, Edgar, is the cofounder. Edgar is charismatic and charming, but is known to have a temper.
During his first week on the job, Jack remembers Edgar publicly humiliating the company's highly competent CFO at an all-hands meeting. Edgar accused the CFO of being "spineless" and "a weak person." The next day the CFO sent out an email apologizing for his supposed character shortcomings.
Jack saw this incident as a red flag, but continued at the company because the pay was really good. Over the next few months, Jack got used to seeing Edgar’s temper tantrums directed at various employees.
Then it happened. Edgar berated Jack in front of his coworkers, accusing him of "poor engineering." Apparently, one of the company's clients had emailed Edgar with some suggestions for updating their software’s user interface.
Jack tried to explain to Edgar that the software was fine, that it was just a client offering feedback. This sent Edgar into a rage and he questioned Jack's credentials and demanded that Jack apologize to the client.
Instead of pushing back, Jack acquiesced and apologized to the client. As time went on, Jack began to doubt himself more and more. He took longer and longer to complete tasks, and frequently double checked and triple checked his work.
Jack's self doubt became a self-fulfilling prophecy, and eventually Edgar fired Jack for working too slow.
In both of our scenarios, first with Tom and then with Jack, we see the avoidance of conflict. Why? Both Tom and Jack fear loss. Tom fears not being in a relationship, and Jack fears losing his job. But ironically their conflict avoidance led to the very thing they feared most.
Both Tom and Jack need to set better boundaries and stick up for themselves. Their gaslighters may even divorce or fire them for this, but at least Tom and Jack can find healthier relationships and not repeat the same dynamics.
Here are five strategies that can help Tom and Jack (and maybe you!) stand up to gaslighting and set the tone for a healthy relationship.
Strategy #1: Acknowledge the gaslighter’s opinion. Do not agree or disagree with them, simply reflect back what you heard. For example, Tom might say to Gretchen, "So you're worried that I was cheating on you." This changes the typical dynamic by reflecting the gaslighting's words back at them.
Strategy #2: Flip the script. Ask yourself if you would treat someone the same way the gaslighter is treating you. The answer will most likely be no. This a good sanity check for yourself.
Strategy #3: Firmly state your opinion back to the gaslighter. Don’t over explain or justify your view, simply declare it. For example, Jack might say to his boss, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I disagree."
Strategy #4: Stop or delay the conversation. Offer to talk about it later. If you’re met with resistance, you can literally leave the situation. This may be harder to do with your boss, but even in the workplace you can postpone the conversation. Few things in life are so urgent that they need to be hashed out on the spot.
Strategy #5: Check in with your friends. Tell them about the gaslighting and they will likely shed some "truth light" on the situation and encourage you to stand up for yourself. Remember your friends’ words the next time your gaslighter is trying to push your buttons.
When using any of these strategies keep in mind that the gaslighter will get frustrated and try even harder to manipulate you. They will likely try to bait you by insulting you or saying something to draw you back into the argument. Be strong and remember the five strategies.
Note: If the gaslighter is known to be violent or to threaten self-harm to get their way, talk to a therapist or a domestic violence shelter and develop a safety plan before using the five strategies.
Ultimately, you have to be okay with the possibility of ending the relationship with the gaslighter. Losing your job or getting divorced is not the end of the world. Life is too short to be in an abusive relationship. There are plenty of jobs out there and plenty of potential romantic partners.
Know that the world is full of abundance and possibility. This mindset will help you be less reactive to gaslighting. Let the gaslighter or do their thing. Know that they are an adult, responsible for their own behavior. Your job is not to compensate for their insecurities.
In summary, it takes two to tango. Men, if you’re empathetic, it's an admirable trait. But remember, no one has to tolerate gaslighting. Try the five strategies, lean on your friends, and get professional help if you need it.
Note: apologies to anyone named Tom, Gretchen, Jack or Edgar! These are fictional characters in fictional scenarios.
Are you people pleaser? Check out my post, How to Finally Stop Being a People-Pleaser
1918 Bonita Ave
Berkeley, CA 94704
510-431-8090
info@ceelycounseling.com
