How to Finally Stop Being a People-Pleaser

Are you addicted to other people's approval? Learn how to be okay with saying no.

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The People-Pleasing Pushover

Paul is fed up. He swears this is the "last time" he lets anyone borrow his car.

Paul's neighbor Dave once again returned the car late, didn't call, and didn't even bother to refill the gas. Dave had a litany of excuses: traffic, no parking, he had to pick up his daughter… "Hey bro, I'm sorry, I owe you big time" Dave says with his trademark smile.

Paul tries to muster up the courage to express his true feelings, but instead says, "Well, um, don't worry about it, I mean, you did have to pick up your daughter."

Even as he's uttering his response, Paul knows he's people-pleasing. But he feels powerless. It's like some unseen force took him over and he had to be Mr. Nice Guy. Paul feels angry and confused. "Why do I keep doing this?!" Paul asks.

Can you relate to Paul's predicament? If so, you may be a people-pleaser. Read on...

The Root of People Pleasing

There are plenty of strategies for reducing people-pleasing, but unless you address the root of the problem, it's very hard to stop.

We could talk about techniques like setting limits, postponing saying yes, and self-respect affirmations. These are all fine, but they don't get to the deeper issue, which is your addiction to other people's approval. This is the driving force behind most people-pleasing behaviors.

Your addiction is driven by the fear that if you say no to someone, they won't like you, or worse, that you're a bad person by saying no. You might even believe that the other person is helpless without your help.

You see, we all enjoy other people's approval. It feels good. But like anything that feels good, it can lead to an addiction.

Okay, enough analysis. Are you ready to stop pleasing-pleasing? Here's how...

The Gift of Personal Responsibility

The way to stop being a people pleaser is to admit that your behavior is selfish. That's right, you think you're being generous, but you're actually being selfish!

You get a rush of pleasure from "helping" other people because it makes you feel needed.

But understand this: your savior complex may be denying the other person the gift of personal responsibility. What's more, your "help" may actually be enabling the other person's needy behavior, preventing them from learning and growing.

So here's the deal: the next time you are tempted to people-please, tell yourself these three things:

1. I will not be selfish.
2. I will not enable.
3. I will not steal their opportunity for growth.

Got a family member who keeps asking for money? Say no. Give them the gift of personal responsibility. Bailing them out just perpetuates their dependent behavior.

Have a coworker who doesn't pull their weight? Stop covering for them. It will allow them to finally step up and take responsibility.

Think back to times in your life where you felt proud about taking responsibility. It felt good, didn't it? Don't deny that same feeling to others.

People Pleasing is Enabling

The next time someone asks you for a favor, or you feel the itch to volunteer your help, take a breath. Stop. Then ask yourself what your real agenda is. Does the other person actually require help, and if so, why do you need to be the one who's doing the helping?

Will your actions truly help the person in the long run, or are you just enabling them and preventing them from getting their act together?

It's like the old saying goes: Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, and you feed him for life.

Except if you're a people-pleaser, you’ll want to go out and buy the man a fishing pole. And some worms! Don't do it. Just tell the man there's a sale on fishing poles at the local Wal-Mart.

Let It Sink In

This new attitude might seem harsh, simplistic, or maybe you don't buy it at all. But I encourage you to think about it. Let it sink in.

The way to finally stop people-pleasing is to realize you're doing it much more for yourself than for the person you're trying to please. So don't be selfish. Got it? Good!

It takes time to stop people-pleasing. Be patient. With practice you'll start noticing that not people-pleasing is okay. In fact, it's good for everybody. Including you. And you count too.

If you'd like another perspective on people-pleasing and setting boundaries, check out my blog on The Golden Rule, and how it works both ways.