Vulnerability: 3 Steps Men Can Take to Harness Its Power

The Resistance to Vulnerability

I admit, for years I was turned off by this trendy pop psychology term. It seemed vapid, just another word to add to the politically correct lexicon. I rejected the word outright and refused to use it in a sentence. 

Of course I knew what the word was trying to get at, especially for men. It was attempting to describe time-honored positive qualities like humility, openness, and being able to admit you’re wrong.

The Opportunity of Vulnerability

Recently, I was invited to speak on the You Can Exhale Now Podcast. The topic? Vulnerability! Okay, I thought, it’s time to finally define this word. 

Where to begin? I listened to Brene Brown and her famous Ted Talk, the Power of Vulnerability. She spoke about how the shame of imperfection causes so much suffering. 

Next, I remembered NBA star Kevin Love. His panic attack during a 2017 game inspired his decision to “go public” with his anxiety issues. Kevin said he felt a huge sense of relief. He no longer had to be perfect. That’s powerful. 

Then I remembered Steve Young, former quarterback of the San Francisco 49ers, and how he opened up about his lifelong struggle with anxiety in his book QB: My Life Behind the Spiral . He found a therapist that helped him, and his story emboldened others to seek help for their own anxiety. That’s some power!

Vulnerability: The Realization

I started to get it. I looked at the dictionary definition again: vulnerability - “being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed.” 

Aha! I got it. So the power of vulnerability lies in letting your guard down, that’s what it is. Because when your guard is always up, you don’t let anybody in, you don’t ask for help, and you don’t grow.

The power of vulnerability then, is our willingness to disclose that which we feel is "flawed" within ourselves. Revealing our flaws counterintuitively diminishes our shame about them.

Our flaws, brought to light, can be empowering. “How can I get help for my panic attacks?” is more powerful than “I need to keep my panic attacks a secret.”

So, are you ready to harness the power of vulnerability? The following are three steps.

Letting go of the need to be perfect is a powerful self intervention. It's hard though, because it feels like you're lowering your standards. But in fact, you're liberating yourself. The energy you once used to maintain your facade of perfection is now freed up for creativity and growth.

We are so brainwashed that we have to be perfect that we often hide our problems, even from ourselves. "Nobody’s perfect" is a cliché but it’s also very true.

So take the first step, look in the mirror and admit that it’s okay to have problems. Pretty much everyone who's ever lived has had plenty of problems. Here's something radical: what if instead of being ashamed of your problems, you saw them as opportunities for growth?

Getting help is okay. If you have a broken arm, do you keep it a secret, or go to the doctor? Well hopefully, you get help! Same goes for the non-physical realm. 

The decision to get help means you care about yourself. It also means you believe in teamwork. Think about it this way: if you’re in a basketball game and you don’t have a clear shot, do you hog the ball, or do you pass it to an open teammate? 

Your “teammates” – your spouse, friends, coworkers – are there to help you, and you to help them. There's no shame in saying, “hey, I can’t do this alone.” And there's no shame in talking to a therapist either. Lots of people do it.

Kevin Love and Steve Young have become role models for making it okay to get help.  Other athletes have stepped up too. Michael Phelps revealed his struggles with depression. 

Outside of the sports world, actor Jon Hamm went to therapy and said, “It’s not a weak move to say I need help.” 



Maybe it’s time for you to be a role model too. Set a precedent. Be vulnerable. Ask for help, reveal your flaws, embrace the opportunity for personal growth. Knowing that your example might inspire others is an added bonus.

Psychologists have a fancy word for inspiring others to be vulnerable, it’s called disclosure reciprocity. You don’t have to analyze or justify being vulnerable, just give it a try!

Vulnerability. As Easy as 1-2-3?

Now that we’ve defined what being vulnerable actually means, and now that we’ve revealed its power, is it as easy as the three steps I just gave you? 

Of course not. As men, we pride ourselves on being strong. But many of us have been conditioned to limit our definition of strength to rugged individualism. We know in our mind that it’s better to lean on others, to rely on our team.  But it’s hard to change ingrained behaviors.

Try this: the next time you want to ask someone for a favor, the next time you want to call someone just to talk, the next time you feel like saying, “I love you,” just go for it. Chances are the other person will appreciate it.

Listen to the Podcast

Check out my interview on the You Can Exhale Now Podcast. I talk about men and therapy, and even confess my own vulnerability.