Demote Your Inner Critic: How to Become the CEO of Your Mind

Feeling bullied by your inner critic? It’s time to take back control. [+ bonus video!]

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The Inner Critic, Defined

You’ve probably heard the term inner critic in self-help literature. There are plenty of books on it, and it's the topic of podcasts. But what exactly is the inner critic? Is it some sort of alter ego inside of us? Certainly not.

The inner critic is a natural psychological mechanism that all humans have. Its purpose is to problem-solve by pointing out your (real or imagined) errors and flaws

Historically, its purpose was to protect you. Pointing out your errors back in the caveman days was advantageous. It might have said, "hey stupid, don't go down that path - that's where the tiger attacked you last time." The inner critic may not have been kind to your self-esteem, but it kept you alive!

Nowadays, you likely don't encounter fearsome predators, but your brain continues to search for those modern-day "tigers." While it's not life or death, saying the wrong thing in a meeting or misspelling someone's name in an important e-mail can incur the primal wrath of the inner critic.

The Inner Critic as a Mechanism

Because your brain uses language to represent ideas, it's easy to confuse the messages of the inner critic as your own. Instead, think of the inner critic as a linguistic personification of a primal survival mechanism. It's useful, but tends to overreact and be a bit hyperbolic.

Your job then, is to listen to the inner critic and understand its intent, which is to notice and amplify your errors. Instead of silencing the inner critic, listen. It often has a point.

Of course sometimes it's message is distorted or just plain wrong. For example, it might tell you that you're not smart enough or attractive enough to find a romantic partner. In that case, you can still listen to your inner critic, but just know that it's wrong.

The key is to know that your inner critic is just one of many voices, or internal mechanisms, that try to communicate information to you.

There are other voices too, like self-confidence, which can be distorted on the other extreme. For example, let's say you start lifting weights. After a few weeks, your confidence grows and you try to lift more than you should. The result? You throw your back out. Perhaps in this case you should have listened to your inner critic!

Become the Founder and CEO of You

Think of your inner critic and other the internal voices like members of a board of directors, where you are the Founder, CEO, and majority shareholder. You're in charge. Your job is to listen to the board members, take their words into consideration, then make executive decisions.

Inner Critic is just one member of the board. His job is to point out flaws. Every company needs one of these people. He see things that others don't, but his opinions need to be balanced by other members of the board.

Other members might include Self-Confidence, Empathy, and so on. They could be any one of your human facets.

Here's the cool thing: you don't have to believe everything “you” think. This means you can take the role of the higher self, the observer, the one who disidentifies from the automatic narrative playing in the background.

The inner critic's narrative typically starts playing after you make a mistake. While it's good to learn from your mistakes, the inner critic goes too far. Its message can be berating and harsh. It says what you would never say to your best friend.

With practice, you can disidentify from your inner critic, or any other inner voice. You can be like the CEO at the board meeting and say, "thank you for your opinion; let me think about that."

Away from a Deficit Model

The inner critic relies on a deficit model. Instead of coming from a paradigm of good-enough (i.e. being inherently worthy), the inner critic believes you're deficient, like at your core you are not good enough.

It's not the inner critic's fault it subscribes to the deficit model. Modern culture bombards us with messages that we are not enough. Not rich enough, not smart enough, not good looking enough, not spiritual enough… you get the idea. And anything repeated often enough becomes "the truth."

Toward a Growth Model

As the CEO of You, it's time to embrace a growth model. It's the opposite of the deficit model. You start from the point of good enough. Any mistakes you make are allowed to be constructively criticized, but only to the point that it helps you grow. Excessive blame or guilt serves no one, so you let that go.

The growth model is rooted in optimism, and says that humans are inherently good, and that they naturally aspire toward positive growth. Mistakes are inevitable, but they are not to be punished, rather they are to be learned from, even admitted to, so as to inspire others to grow.

A Word of Caution

When I first started distancing myself from my inner critic, I got nervous. I thought I would lose my motivation, my edge. After all, being hard on myself all these years got me to where I am today.

But the more I embraced the growth model and stopped beating myself up, the more I realized that I got to where I was today despite my inner critic, not because of it.

I discovered that forgiving myself for my flaws and mistakes actually motivated me to grow and improve more. You see, the inner critic and the deficit model encourage shame. And shame destroys self-esteem. By being kind to yourself, you boost your self-esteem, which inspires you to grow.

It's important not to silence or suppress your inner critic, or any of your internal voices. Don't be afraid of them. They’re trying to help, but they need guidance. They need you, the CEO, to calmly and rationally decide what's true and what isn't.

A Helpful Exercise

If you want to get better at being the CEO of You, it takes practice. Here's an exercise you can do. It can strengthen your resolve when your inner critic gets especially loud.

First, find a comfortable spot without distractions. Set a timer for 5-10 minutes. Close your eyes and picture yourself as a CEO sitting at the head of the table in a corporate boardroom. Seated around the table are the board members: Inner Critic, Self-Confidence, and other personifications of your various inner voices.

Let's create a scenario where Inner Critic wants to chime in. Let's say the “company” (i.e. you) spills a cup of coffee. It stains the carpet, and you hastily try to limit the damage.

Now, picture Inner Critic standing up at the boardroom table and exclaiming in a harsh tone, "you're so clumsy, you should have been more careful!"

Take a slow, deep breath. Have empathy for Inner Critic. Maybe he learned his harshness from an overly critical parent, or a teacher who berated him. He can't help it.

As the CEO, it's your job to listen to Inner Critic, but not necessarily to believe him. You can say to Inner Critic, "certainly the company could have been more careful, but it's not a clumsy company. In fact, most of the time we don't spill coffee. Spilling coffee occasionally is normal, maybe even inevitable."

With that said, picture Inner Critic reluctantly agreeing with you and sitting down. Feel proud to be a strong and compassionate CEO. You're in charge for a reason.

As the CEO, you also know that a growth model is the way to go. You learn from your inevitable mistakes, and are kind to yourself, just as you would be kind to your best friend.

Conclusion

It takes a while to separate yourself from your inner critic. Perhaps no one fully accomplishes this. Being human is, after all, pretty complex.

When I first began separating from my inner critic, it was exciting, but difficult. Change came slowly. I had bought into the authority of my inner critic for so long that it took a while to step into the role of CEO.

But one day I took my place at the head of the boardroom table and demoted my inner critic. He didn't take it well. He protested: "I've been in charge of this company for decades, I resent this demotion."

In my early days as CEO, I would cave to my inner critic's demands and let him sit at the head of the table. But as my CEO chops got better, I worked up the courage to permanently demote my inner critic.

Nowadays when I come to the board meeting I still occasionally find the inner critic sitting in my chair. But now all it takes is a stern glance and he returns to his own seat.

I hope this metaphor has served you well, and I wish you the best in your journey of positive growth and self-empowerment.